About the book
Nearly all human beings want a lasting, happy relationship, but in many cases it just doesn’t work out. Some people seem always to fall in love with the wrong kind of person. With others, the relationship breaks down just when it is becoming closer. And some live with a partner but still feel lonely and isolated. What is going wrong? ‚In the final analysis, fear of commitment is at the bottom of many relationship problems,‘ says the expert on fear of commitment Stefanie Stahl. In vivid case histories, the German psychotherapist shows the many ways in which fear of commitment manifests itself. She explains the typical behavior patterns of those who fear commitment, introducing the ‚hunters‘, ‚princesses‘ and ’stonewallers‘. The famous German psychologist illustrates why fear of commitment is genuine fear, explains possible causes and shows how to overcome it. Anyone who has read this book will know how to recognize people who fear commitment and how to deal with them. A helpful book for those affected and for their partners.
About the Author
Stefanie Stahl is a degreed psychologist with her own practice. She is one of Germany‘s best-known psychotherapists and holds seminars about fear of commitment, love and self-esteem on a regular basis. Her method for working with the inner child is a particularly imaginative and practical one, which has been resonating internationally as well. For years her bestselling books have been listed on the top ranks of the bestseller lists having sold more than one million copies. In 2019, her book The Child Within You Must Find a Home was for the third time in a row the bestseller of the year in Germany.
www.stefaniestahl.de
Stefanie Stahl
Yes, No,
Maybe
How to recognize and overcome fear of
commitment Help for those affected and
their partners
Translated by Mary Tyler and Paul Bewicke
The links in this book have been compiled with meticulous care and to the best of our
knowledge. However, we cannot assume any liability for the up-to-dateness,
completeness or accuracy of any of the pages.
Sollte diese Publikation Links auf Webseiten Dritter enthalten, so übernehmen
wir für deren Inhalte keine Haftung, da wir uns diese nicht zu eigen machen, sondern
lediglich auf deren Stand zum Zeitpunkt der Erstveröffentlichung verweisen.
Der Inhalt dieses E-Books ist urheberrechtlich geschützt und enthält technische
Sicherungsmaßnahmen gegen unbefugte Nutzung. Die Entfernung dieser Sicherung sowie die Nutzung durch unbefugte Verarbeitung, Vervielfältigung, Verbreitung
oder öffentliche Zugänglichmachung, insbesondere in elektronischer Form, ist untersagt und kann straf- und zivilrechtliche Sanktionen nach sich ziehen.
© 2020 Kailash Verlag, München
in der Verlagsgruppe Random House GmbH
Neumarkter Str. 28, 81673 München
The English edition was first published at
Ellert & Richter Verlag GmbH, Hamburg 2015
The German original edition was first published at
Ellert & Richter Verlag GmbH, Hamburg 2008
Editor: Carola Kleinschmidt, Hamburg
E-Book-Conversion: CPI books GmbH, Leck
Satz und E-Book Produktion: Satzwerk Huber, Germering
Cover design: Daniela Hofner, ki 36 Editorial Design, München
Cover photo: Andrew Howe/getty images
Author’s photograph: Roswitha Kaster
ISBN: 978-3-641-27021-6
V003
All rights reserved.
www.kailash-verlag.de
Contents
The many faces of commitment phobia
Why so many stories have an unhappy ending
I’m so much in love!
A plea for freedom of choice
Fear of commitment in various guises: the hunter, the princess, the stonewaller
Hunters, princesses and stonewallers – What those who fear commitment have in common
Help for sufferers – help for partners
Escape, attack, playing-dead reflex: the defence strategies
The three phases of a relationship with a person who fears commitment
Side effects of commitment phobia – Difficulties in everyday life
Causes of fear of commitment
The role of the mother
The role of the father
Secure or insecure – different styles of attachment
The secure attachment – “I’m OK, you’re OK”
The insecure attachment
The preoccupied attachment – “I’m not OK but you’re OK.”
The anxiously avoidant attachment – “I’m not OK and you’re not OK.”
EXCURSUS: An unfortunate combination: fear of commitment and narcissism
The dismissive-avoidant commitment – “I don’t care about me and I don’t care about you.”
A special case in dismissive avoiders: Quiet narcissists and lonesome cowboys
No attachment, no empathy
Does fear of commitment lead to a bad character?
The little difference: Fear of commitment in men and women
Fear of commitment and aggression: without attachment, people are unable to deal properly with aggression, anger and conflict
Upbringing, disappointment and society – Factors that encourage fear of relationships in later life
Does our society produce commitment phobes?
Ways out of commitment phobia for sufferers
Why it is worth taking this path
Eight steps out of fear of commitment – A guide to self-knowledge and change
EXCURSUS: Focusing – How to access your feelings
Linguistic tips for people who fear commitment
The partners of commitment phobes – Ways out of addiction
Powerless co-pilots – the partners of people who fear commitment
Emotional loss of control – When reason says “Finish it” but the heart says “Stay”
The madness can affect anyone
Emotional loss of control and its consequences for the partner
How to recognize emotional loss of control
Eight symptoms and action mechanisms of partners of people who fear commitment
Married to a commitment phobe – The resigned and the dreamers
Worn down by the relationship – The plunge into fear and depression
Negative reinforcement – When the relationship resembles an addiction
Ways out of loss of control – Finding your way back to yourself
Ways out of dependence: Nine aids to strengthening the adult in you
EXCURSUS: Why do I always end up with the wrong person? Desire for attachment and attachment compulsion
Farewell to my readers
A postscript for the psychotherapists among my readers
Acknowledgements
Annex
Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her.
Robbie Williams