Cover

About the book

Nearly all human beings want a lasting, happy relationship, but in many cases it just doesn’t work out. Some people seem always to fall in love with the wrong kind of person. With others, the relationship breaks down just when it is becoming closer. And some live with a partner but still feel lonely and isolated. What is going wrong? ‚In the final analysis, fear of commitment is at the bottom of many relationship problems,‘ says the expert on fear of commitment Stefanie Stahl. In vivid case histories, the German psychotherapist shows the many ways in which fear of commitment manifests itself. She explains the typical behavior patterns of those who fear commitment, introducing the ‚hunters‘, ‚princesses‘ and ’stonewallers‘. The famous German psychologist illustrates why fear of commitment is genuine fear, explains possible causes and shows how to overcome it. Anyone who has read this book will know how to recognize people who fear commitment and how to deal with them. A helpful book for those affected and for their partners.

About the Author

Stefanie Stahl is a degreed psychologist with her own practice. She is one of Germany‘s best-known psychotherapists and holds seminars about fear of commitment, love and self-esteem on a regular basis. Her method for working with the inner child is a particularly imaginative and practical one, which has been resonating internationally as well. For years her bestselling books have been listed on the top ranks of the bestseller lists having sold more than one million copies. In 2019, her book The Child Within You Must Find a Home was for the third time in a row the bestseller of the year in Germany.

www.stefaniestahl.de

Stefanie Stahl

Yes, No,

Maybe

How to recognize and overcome fear of

commitment Help for those affected and

their partners

Translated by Mary Tyler and Paul Bewicke

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© 2020 Kailash Verlag, München

in der Verlagsgruppe Random House GmbH

Neumarkter Str. 28, 81673 München

The English edition was first published at

Ellert & Richter Verlag GmbH, Hamburg 2015

The German original edition was first published at

Ellert & Richter Verlag GmbH, Hamburg 2008

Editor: Carola Kleinschmidt, Hamburg

E-Book-Conversion: CPI books GmbH, Leck

Satz und E-Book Produktion: Satzwerk Huber, Germering

Cover design: Daniela Hofner, ki 36 Editorial Design, München

Cover photo: Andrew Howe/getty images

Author’s photograph: Roswitha Kaster

ISBN: 978-3-641-27021-6
V003

All rights reserved.

www.kailash-verlag.de

Contents

The many faces of commitment phobia

Why so many stories have an unhappy ending

I’m so much in love!

A plea for freedom of choice

Fear of commitment in various guises: the hunter, the princess, the stonewaller

Hunters, princesses and stonewallers – What those who fear commitment have in common

Help for sufferers – help for partners

Escape, attack, playing-dead reflex: the defence strategies

The three phases of a relationship with a person who fears commitment

Side effects of commitment phobia – Difficulties in everyday life

Causes of fear of commitment

The role of the mother

The role of the father

Secure or insecure – different styles of attachment

The secure attachment – “I’m OK, you’re OK”

The insecure attachment

The preoccupied attachment – “I’m not OK but you’re OK.”

The anxiously avoidant attachment – “I’m not OK and you’re not OK.”

EXCURSUS: An unfortunate combination: fear of commitment and narcissism

The dismissive-avoidant commitment – “I don’t care about me and I don’t care about you.”

A special case in dismissive avoiders: Quiet narcissists and lonesome cowboys

No attachment, no empathy

Does fear of commitment lead to a bad character?

The little difference: Fear of commitment in men and women

Fear of commitment and aggression: without attachment, people are unable to deal properly with aggression, anger and conflict

Upbringing, disappointment and society – Factors that encourage fear of relationships in later life

Does our society produce commitment phobes?

Ways out of commitment phobia for sufferers

Why it is worth taking this path

Eight steps out of fear of commitment – A guide to self-knowledge and change

EXCURSUS: Focusing – How to access your feelings

Linguistic tips for people who fear commitment

The partners of commitment phobes – Ways out of addiction

Powerless co-pilots – the partners of people who fear commitment

Emotional loss of control – When reason says “Finish it” but the heart says “Stay”

The madness can affect anyone

Emotional loss of control and its consequences for the partner

How to recognize emotional loss of control

Eight symptoms and action mechanisms of partners of people who fear commitment

Married to a commitment phobe – The resigned and the dreamers

Worn down by the relationship – The plunge into fear and depression

Negative reinforcement – When the relationship resembles an addiction

Ways out of loss of control – Finding your way back to yourself

Ways out of dependence: Nine aids to strengthening the adult in you

EXCURSUS: Why do I always end up with the wrong person? Desire for attachment and attachment compulsion

Farewell to my readers

A postscript for the psychotherapists among my readers

Acknowledgements

Annex

Before I fall in love

I’m preparing to leave her.

Robbie Williams