Kate Cassidy is about to celebrate twenty-five years of marriage to Paddy. But the secret she has kept all this time is about to be discovered.
Erin Harris has always known that she is different from the rest of her family. Over the years she has begun to put the pieces together and now she is determined to find out who she really is and where she comes from.
Nina Harris has always put her marriage and family before everything else. But now she must learn to accept her daughter’s decision to go and search for a woman she doesn’t know.
There is no escaping the past. As Kate, Erin and Nina face the truth about what happened so many years before, each is given a second chance for love and happiness.
Cover
About the Book
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
Chapter Twenty-six
Chapter Twenty-seven
Chapter Twenty-eight
Chapter Twenty-nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-one
Chapter Thirty-two
Chapter Thirty-three
Chapter Thirty-four
Chapter Thirty-five
Chapter Thirty-six
Chapter Thirty-seven
Chapter Thirty-eight
Chapter Thirty-nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-one
Chapter Forty-two
Chapter Forty-three
Chapter Forty-four
Chapter Forty-five
Chapter Forty-six
Chapter Forty-seven
Chapter Forty-eight
Chapter Forty-nine
Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty-one
Chapter Fifty-two
Chapter Fifty-three
Chapter Fifty-four
Chapter Fifty-five
Chapter Fifty-six
Chapter Fifty-seven
Chapter Fifty-eight
Chapter Fifty-nine
Chapter Sixty
Chapter Sixty-one
Chapter Sixty-two
Chapter Sixty-three
About the Author
Also by Marita Conlon-McKenna
Copyright
For my wonderful mother,
Mary
Thank you to my amazing family: my husband, James, and our children Mandy, Laura, Fiona and James and my son-in-law, Michael Hearty, and my two little sweethearts, Holly and Sam.
To my sister Gerardine. Thanks for being there – the two of us sharing so much.
And to Michael Fahy – almost part of the family.
To Anne Murphy for her understanding and for making me laugh so much in Canada.
To Fran Leach, for her constant encouragement, friendship and fun and all those sunny days in Baltimore.
To my friends Catherine Harvey, Anne O’Connell and Joyce Van Belle.
My special thanks to my wonderful editor, Linda Evans. Also thanks to Joanne Williamson, Vivien Garrett, Bella Whittington, Aislinn Casey, Kate Green and Sarah Whittaker, and to everyone at Transworld’s London office for their immense support, encouragement and work on this book. And to Eoin McHugh in Transworld Ireland’s Dublin office.
To my agent Caroline Sheldon, for her constant belief in my writing and the excitement that working together on every new book brings!
To Simon, Gill and Sophie Hess, Declan Heaney and Helen Gleed O’Connor and everyone at Gill Hess, Dublin, for making it all seem easy and for looking after me and my books so well!
To bookshops and booksellers everywhere – thank you for bringing my books and readers together.
To Sarah Webb, Martina Devlin and Larry O’Loughlin, and all my fellow writers – thanks for just being there!
To my readers – thank you for making me enjoy writing so much.
ERIN HARRIS STUDIED HERSELF in the mirror. Long light-brown hair with an undeniable tint of red and gold, pale skin, freckles, weird blue-green eyes that seemed to change colour with her mood, long limbs and an okay figure. At twenty-six years of age she guessed she was kind of attractive – not beautiful, not pretty, but definitely attractive for someone who had just completed the first quarter of her life.
Her mum and dad and brother Jack had already texted her their birthday good wishes, and later they would all get together for a family dinner at home. Today was going to be a good day. Even though it was only early March it was sunny and bright outside and, judging by the banging around in the kitchen, her two flatmates were busy making her a birthday breakfast before they all set off for work.
She dragged the hairbrush through her thick, wavy hair and, grabbing her dressing gown, joined Nikki and Claire in the kitchen.
‘Hey, we were going to bring a tray into the bedroom to you!’ laughed Nikki, giving her a hug.
‘The scrambled egg and salmon will be ready in a min,’ added Claire, ‘and I’ve made us all a pot of proper coffee.’
‘I prefer eating here,’ Erin assured them as she curled up on to the old leather armchair that had pride of position at their kitchen table.
‘I’ll get the pressies,’ said Nikki, as Claire poured Erin a big glass of orange juice.
‘You two are spoiling me,’ sighed Erin, glad that she was sharing her apartment with two of her best friends.
‘That’s what birthdays are for,’ replied Claire, giving her a hug. ‘When you’re a kid it’s all parties and presents and no homework, but us grown-up girlies still deserve a bit of pampering from our best friends on our birthdays.’
‘I can’t believe I’m twenty-six!’ Erin marvelled. It sounded so old. Yikes – thirty was only around the corner!
‘Sssh!’ hushed Nikki. ‘We won’t mention ages or years at this table. Agreed?’
‘Yes,’ nodded Claire and Erin, both aware of how obsessed Nikki was with age and beauty and looking good.
‘Here’s my pressie,’ said Nikki.
Erin opened the pink-and-white-wrapped package. It was a bottle of her favourite perfume and a voucher for a facial at L’Esprit, the expensive salon that Nikki always went to in nearby Ballsbridge.
‘Nikki – you spent far too much!’
‘I’m a good customer there, so they give me a bit of a discount for my friends,’ Nikki confessed.
Claire’s present was wrapped in zany Quentin Blake printed paper and contained a cute pair of pale-blue pyjamas decorated with little white rabbits.
‘Oh, I love them!’ said Erin.
‘Open the other present,’ urged Claire.
Erin laughed when she saw the latest Rachel Allen cookery book. ‘You two are just trying to get me to do some of the cooking round here.’
‘True, but there’s some really great recipes in it and they’re easy – even for someone like you or Nikki,’ replied Claire, a natural cook, as she served them creamy scrambled egg and salmon on toast along with their coffee.
The sun poured in through the window as they ate and, just as she was finishing, her phone went.
‘Hi Mum!’
Erin listened as her mum’s voice broke into the familiar refrain of ‘Happy Birthday to You’. Claire and Nikki both joined in the singing too.
‘Mum, thanks for phoning. Listen, I’ll see you and Dad tonight.’
Her mum was big into birthdays. Erin guessed that’s where she got it from too, wanting to celebrate and mark birthdays and special dates and traditions.
‘Hey, I’d better rush.’ Nikki jumped up from the table. ‘We’ve a client meeting first thing. You and Luke enjoy tonight!’
‘Thanks, Nikki.’
‘Nikki – you’ve hardly touched a thing!’ complained Claire.
‘You know I’m not a breakfast person!’ called Nikki as she disappeared.
‘Talk about understatement. She has literally just had black coffee and a finger of toast and hasn’t touched her egg.’
‘You know what she’s like,’ said Erin. ‘She just wants to be stick thin like a super-model.’
‘I’d better get going too.’ Claire drained the last of the coffee. ‘Old Mr Stevens and his bad knee are my first appointment today. Wednesday always seems to be my OAP day at the surgery – they all seem to need physio for something or other!’
Ten minutes later Erin was on the DART train heading into work. She smiled as she read Luke’s text. He was in London for the day at a meeting, but promised to be back in time for tonight’s dinner. Sometimes she could hardly believe that she was going out with someone as cool as Luke, who also happened to be as nice and kind as they come. Three years older than her, he worked on the finance team in Hibernian Stockbrokers, which impressed her parents and friends but also meant that they could still afford to eat out and go away for the odd weekend. So many of her friends had lost their jobs or were in pretty dire financial straits, but thank heaven Luke’s firm was okay. He might have to work crazy hours but at least he had a job, and a good job at that.
Erin’s own salary had been cut by more than twenty-five per cent in the past two years, and she knew that De Berg O’Leary Graphics were hanging on by a thread. This year no graduates had been taken on and a few of the staff were on a three-day week. Monika De Berg and her husband Declan O’Leary had built up a wonderful business over the past fifteen years in Ireland, and had worked on some amazing campaigns, but the firm now spent a lot of time pitching for smaller jobs and tendering for design contracts that might never happen.
Erin tried not to get disheartened. At least she had a job when so many graphic designers didn’t, and she was doing something she loved. She had to stay positive and believe that, career-wise, things would improve.
She walked briskly to the office, where Alice, their receptionist, let her in. Sliding into her desk on the second floor of the old Georgian building, she switched on her computer. Today was going to be a good day, she resolved … a really good day.
KATE CASSIDY STOOD IN the kitchen trying not to give into the overwhelming sadness she felt. Every year it was the same, the date imprinted on her mind for ever. No matter how much she tried to forget it, to put the past behind her, the date on the calendar always rekindled that sense of panic and pain that she still remembered so acutely.
She’d been only twenty years old when it happened, and so naïve and stupid it was beyond belief. One mistake that had cost her so much and changed everything. One mistake that she could never forget, or undo, no matter how hard she tried. She steadied herself and gazed out in the garden. It was covered in yellow daffodils. She’d planted the bulbs under the trees, in the flowerbeds and crowded them into pots. She loved their colour and sense of joy. They symbolized the arrival of spring … new beginnings.
The daffodils always evoked that period when her life had changed and she had given up her baby for adoption. At the time it had seemed a solution to her problem, but what kind of woman was she that would allow her own flesh and blood, her daughter, to be raised by strangers? Somewhere out there people she had never met had raised her child and made her their own.
Over the years she had somehow learned to accept it. Still, it didn’t stop her from thinking about her daughter and wondering what she might be like now.
Her phone went. It was her sister, Sally. She smiled – good old Sally was wonderful.
‘You okay, Kate?’ Sally asked, her voice full of concern.
‘Yes.’
Sally was the only one in the family who knew her secret, who had helped her at a time in her life when she was desperate and felt so alone. And, like herself, Sally never, ever forgot the date. Every year her sister would phone to talk to her and later they would meet up for a chat or a walk and lunch. It was almost a ritual by now. A ritual that Kate valued so much – the only acknowledgement there was of what had happened.
She looked around her kitchen, neat and clean with good, hand-painted cream units and a top-of-the-range Neff cooker. She had a lovely home, a good husband, three children – and yet she always felt that something was missing, something that she could never have, could never regain … ever …
NINA HARRIS WHISKED THE eggs together before folding in the rest of the ingredients to make the chocolate almond cake. She poured the mixture carefully into the cake tin and popped it into the hot oven. Now she could set about making the creamy chicken and mozzarella dish that was one of Erin’s favourites. She and Tom had offered to treat Erin to a birthday dinner down in the village tonight, but their daughter had said she’d far prefer dinner at home if that was okay.
Nina had phoned Erin at breakfast time to wish her happy birthday and, as she listened to her daughter’s excited voice on the phone, Nina still couldn’t credit that it was twenty-six years since Erin had been born. It seemed like only yesterday that she had held in her arms a beautiful, blue-eyed baby with a steady gaze and a fuzz of reddish-gold hair.
Every year as they celebrated Erin’s birthday Nina remembered the past, and the other woman who had given birth to their daughter on that date and then somehow made the difficult choice of giving her up for adoption.
When Erin was small Nina had been nervous that one day this woman would turn up and demand her child back – even try to steal her back. But as the years went by the fear had eased and she had been so busy, always organizing birthday parties with cakes and balloons and bouncy castles and face-painting and magic shows and trips to the puppet theatre, that gradually the worry of this other woman had passed.
Erin had been almost twelve weeks old when all the complex legalities and stringent interviewing processes and assessments were finally overcome and they received the good news from the social workers for the adoption agency that they could collect their baby from St Raphael’s Children’s Home. After so many years of trying to become parents they couldn’t believe it and were totally overwhelmed finally to be handed a baby girl to take home. They had been scared as anything coming home with Erin, worried they would somehow harm or hurt her, this precious baby they had been given, and neither of them had slept a wink that first night as they watched her sleep in the antique wooden crib they had bought for her.
It had taken them a while to learn to relax and enjoy being parents, but from the first minute when Erin Grace Harris had grasped her finger fiercely in her tiny hand, Nina knew that Erin was hers for ever. She was her mother and that’s what mattered …
Motherhood was such a complex issue, as Nina had discovered. One did not have to give birth physically to a child to love and bond with it and become a mother. Giving birth was the least of it! Every day you concentrated on doing your best to love your children, to help them to grow and become warm, rounded, good people capable of loving and being loved. From coping with sleepless nights and childhood temperatures and illnesses, and cooling down hot, teething gums, to teaching them how to talk and walk and cycle their bikes and learn to read and write and study and think and become decent human beings. As far as Nina was concerned, it had always been a case of nurture, not nature, with Erin and their son Jack. Tom and she had done their utmost to be good parents and make Erin and Jack feel totally loved and wanted. They’d encouraged each of them to learn, explore and enjoy the things that held their interests and gave them pleasure and joy.
On days like today she thought of the scared young woman who had given them such a gift when she had signed the agreement to let Erin be adopted. She hoped that, wherever that girl was now, she was happy and had a family of her own.
They were quite a crowd for dinner, as Nina’s sister Lizzie – who was also Erin’s godmother – and her husband Myles were coming and Tom’s brother Bill and his partner Charles. Her mum May would join them for dinner too; Myles and Lizzie would collect her en route. May Armstrong was eighty-six years old and had her good and bad days, though she had seemed chirpy enough when Nina spoke to her earlier. Between them, Lizzie and she kept a good eye on their mother, who unfortunately was beginning to suffer with failing physical health and worrisome early signs of dementia. Her geriatrician had advised two years ago that their mum should consider moving into a home, but May had refused point blank, saying she could manage and that she would far prefer, when the time came, to die in her own home than to be incarcerated in a nursing home surrounded by old people she didn’t know.
All they could do for the moment was try to be around as much as possible to help, and to keep things to a balanced routine that worked best. Her mum had a home help who came in three mornings a week and she went to the Silver Seniors Lunch Club every Thursday, which was held in Glenageary’s local parish hall and was something May really enjoyed. Weekends they took turns, and once a month their brother Mark came up from Kilkenny and stayed with his mum for two nights.
Nina set the table then hurried upstairs to change before everyone arrived.
‘Nina, what will you have?’ Tom asked when she came back down. Her mum was ensconced in the armchair near the fire, enjoying a sherry, while Lizzie and Bill and Charley were downing gin and tonics. Her brother-in-law Myles, a teetotaller, was on his usual Ballygowan with ice and lemon.
‘I’ll have one of those too, please.’
Jack and his girlfriend, Pixie, came into the sitting room with bottles of chilled Corona in their hands.
‘What are we eating?’ Jack asked.
‘Wait and see!’ teased Nina, who was used to her son constantly enquiring about what he was going to be fed. At six foot three he always seemed to be ravenous.
‘Any sign of Erin and that lovely boyfriend of hers yet?’ asked her mother.
‘No, Mum, they must have got delayed,’ she said, going to check on the meal.
Erin arrived in a flurry of long legs encased in fine black leggings and knee-high boots, wearing a grey-and-orange striped top – or dress or whatever they called it – that picked up the colour of her long, glossy hair.
‘Mum, sorry I’m a bit late, but I was hoping that Luke could make it too.’
‘Where is he?’ Tom asked.
‘Stuck in London; he couldn’t get back as all this evening’s flights were grounded because of fog at Heathrow. I’m sorry.’
‘All the more food for us!’ crowed Jack.
‘I’d prefer he was here,’ Erin said, taking a swipe at her younger brother.
They all sat around the huge oak table in the kitchen as Nina and Tom served the meal. May insisted on sitting beside her granddaughter.
‘I want to find out when she and this Luke fellow are getting engaged and married,’ she said loudly. Ever since she had gone slightly deaf, May spoke that bit louder, unaware that everyone could overhear her conversations now.
‘Granny, we are just going out – he’s just my boyfriend,’ Erin protested, embarrassed and saying a silent prayer of thanks that Luke was not sitting beside her.
‘Have you seen a ring yet?’
Nina and Lizzie couldn’t help themselves and were in stitches laughing as poor Erin tried to handle her grandmother.
‘Your grandfather took me to Weir’s. He spent about four months of his salary on buying me this.’ She showed the gold ring with its two diamonds and central sapphire to Erin. ‘But it was worth every penny because I still wear it … never take it off me, and I might have forgotten some things but I will never forget Harry and this ring.’
‘It’s a lovely engagement ring, Granny, but Luke and I are not at that stage yet,’ Erin stumbled on.
Uncle Bill and Charley regaled them with details of a trip they had just taken to Hong Kong, Singapore and Australia.
‘We wanted to mark Charley’s sixtieth birthday,’ said Bill, ‘and it was a trip we both wanted to do. We have friends in Hong Kong and Sydney, so it was great. Exhausting going long-haul, but we both loved it!’
‘Pixie and I are hoping to go to Oz when I finish my exams in the summer,’ announced Jack.
Nina caught Tom’s eye. This was the first time they had heard any mention of this from their son.
‘Are you going on holiday?’ asked Myles as he passed around the asparagus dish.
‘No, we hope to go for a year and do that whole down-under thing!’ laughed blonde-haired Pixie, squeezing Jack’s hand. ‘We’ve both got lots of friends out there, so it should be good fun!’
‘Half the country is out there,’ laughed Charley, ‘judging by the number of young Irish people we met on our travels. They were everywhere … and they all seemed to be getting plenty of work and enjoying it.’
Nina got Jack to help her clear away the plates. He seemed besotted with this pretty Pixie of a girl, with her short, white-blonde hair and pretty face, and was obviously planning to spend the next year of his life on the other side of the world with her.
The butter icing was perfect, thought Nina, as she put ten candles on the top of the birthday cake. Lighting them, she signalled to Tom to dim the lights on their side of the room as she carried the cake over to where Erin was sitting and everyone sang
‘Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Erin …’
Their daughter’s face was so happy as she blew out the candles and thanked everyone for coming. She is such a beautiful girl, thought Nina – beautiful not only on the outside, but also on the inside where it matters most.
They finished up about midnight. Jack and Pixie had already gone and got the DART to town to Pixie’s place. Erin had decided to stay the night, while Myles offered to drive everyone else home.
‘Mum, it was such a lovely night,’ Erin said, hugging her. ‘Thank you.’
‘And thank you, Erin, for being such a good daughter,’ Nina said, kissing her goodnight.
Lying in bed beside Tom, Nina couldn’t sleep.
‘You did hear what Jack said about going to Australia with Pixie?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I did,’ said Tom patiently, ‘like everyone else at the table.’
‘Did you know anything about this? Had he said anything to you?’
‘Nina, nearly every young person in Ireland is talking about emigrating or going to Australia or America or Canada … That’s the way it is because there are no jobs here for them. You know that from all our friends. Why would you think it would be any different for Jack than all the other guys in his class?’
‘I don’t want him to go,’ she said defiantly.
‘Well we can’t stand in his way or stop him,’ Tom sighed, turning to face her. ‘Jack’ll go away, but he will come back, just wait and see …’
‘What if he doesn’t?’
‘He will.’
‘I couldn’t bear it.’ Nina was so upset. ‘I couldn’t bear to lose him.’
‘Nina, we don’t own them. Jack is twenty-three years old and Erin is twenty-six … They have to make lives of their own. Erin is very keen on this Luke fellow – who’s to say he won’t end up working in London and then so might she?’
‘Tom Harris, don’t you dare upset me any more!’ she pleaded as she slipped into the reassuring curve of her husband’s arms.
ERIN COULDN’T BELIEVE it – luke was taking her to the fanciest restaurant in Dublin. ‘I told you that I’d make it up to you for missing your birthday dinner with your folks the other night,’ he laughed, ‘and I’m the kind of guy who keeps his promises.’
It had been a nightmare getting ready to go out, as Nikki had hogged the bathroom for nearly half an hour and Erin and Claire had been forced to beg the guys next door if they could use their bathroom. Next time they rented somewhere they were getting at least two bathrooms! As the doormen let them inside Gilbert’s, the French restaurant, and she saw the style of the place, Erin thanked heaven she had decided to put on her new jade-coloured Karen Millen dress. Most of the fashionable couples were a good bit older than them and obviously wealthier too.
‘Are you sure you can afford this?’ she whispered to Luke. The Michelin-starred restaurant had a reputation for being super-expensive.
‘Don’t worry – I got a great bonus last week!’ he grinned. The waiter led them to a table near the window and was so attentive that Erin had to try to keep a serious face. The menu was incredible and it took ages for them both to decide exactly what they would like to eat, with the waiter taking great care to explain everything they wanted to know about the dishes that were on offer. Erin went for a mixture of seafood that included lobster, crab, Dublin Bay prawns and salmon, served with some kind of oyster foam; it was absolutely delicious. Luke ordered a really good wine and the waiter kept their glasses constantly topped up as they chatted away. One course followed after another: pork belly, seared tuna, champagne and elderflower mousse, and a berry tart. Neither of them could believe it as seamlessly they were presented with each gourmet dish.
‘This place is amazing,’ she said. ‘Thank you for bringing me here.’
‘Erin, I always want to do things to please you and make you happy,’ he said softly, taking her hand. ‘You know that.’
She nodded. Over the past few weeks their relationship had been getting more serious … they both knew it. Luke was becoming more and more a part of her life and she was structuring what she wanted to do around him, as his work schedule was kind of crazy. He was commuting back and forward to London a lot and it looked like this was going to become a regular feature.
‘I’m back there Wednesday,’ he said, sipping an Irish coffee.
‘But I got tickets for us to go and see the Frames in Vicar Street.’
‘I won’t be here – maybe you can bring one of the girls or sell them on the internet?’ he suggested.
‘I’ll bring Lilly from work. She’s a massive fan and was saying the other day that all the tickets were sold out and she couldn’t get one.’
‘There you go – no harm done!’
Erin tried to hide her disappointment. She had to accept that if she had a boyfriend with a high-flying career who could afford to take her to Gilbert’s for dinner, then she couldn’t expect him to be around all the time.
‘Hey, let’s get a last drink and then head to Club 55!’ he suggested. ‘I think Ronan and a few of the guys from the office are going there later.’
‘Why don’t we just head for your place or my place instead?’ she suggested.
‘I’ve had a hectic week, Erin – I just feel like blowing off a bit of steam. Besides, I want to show off my sexy girlfriend in her pretty dress on the dance floor.’
Erin laughed. He was such a bloody charmer …
The night club was packed and they had to push through the crowds. Erin would have been happy to stay at a romantic table at the rear of the club near the door, but Luke took her hand and guided her towards the area where his friends Ronan and Conall and Ritchie were sitting with their girlfriends. Michelle, Ronan’s girlfriend, was nice and immediately said hello to Erin, but Conall was going out with an absolute wagon who was some kind of celebrity model who was on the new Dunne’s Stores ad and thought she was Kate Moss!
They ordered some more wine and chatted for a while, then they danced, though there was barely room to stand and the floor was so sticky Erin’s shoes felt glued to it.
‘Let’s get out of here!’ Luke said eventually, so they hopped in a taxi to Grand Canal Square, where he shared an apartment with Dan, a guy he’d gone to college with. Tonight they had the place to themselves, and Erin was glad that they could finally be together without lots of people around. She loved his apartment, which was really streamlined and kind of masculine, with expensive designer couches and leather chairs and a massive glass dining table. Luke had the bigger bedroom and, as they stood looking out at the iconic Daniel Libeskind-designed theatre building with its giant red rods lighting up the night sky, Erin relaxed into his arms, feeling the broad width of his palm running down her back.
The next morning they had toasted bagels, fruit juice and coffee in bed as they read the Sunday papers.
‘My folks have asked me to Sunday lunch later. Do you want to come?’
Erin had met the Gallaghers twice. His parents were hard going, but she supposed she had better make some effort to get to know them better.
‘Sure – that will be nice. But I have to go home and change before we go there.’
ERIN WAS SO engrossed in the re-design of the front page of a brochure for a new hotel that was due to open in three weeks’ time that she hadn’t realized it was almost seven o’clock until she noticed Declan packing up his Apple Mac and grabbing his jacket to head home.
Work was scarce at the moment and she really appreciated Monika and Declan keeping her on and giving her projects like this to work on. The marketing budget for the Mount Clement’s launch was cut to the bone, but that didn’t mean the client didn’t deserve their best effort. They were doing decent-quality printing and Erin wanted a glossy brochure that would reflect the high-spec build. There were also menus, guest advice leaflets, maps, wedding package sets to be done. She had spent two days down around the hotel with her camera and had got some great ideas in terms of the important design elements which she would use to create an instantly recognizable logo for the Mount Clement, the gorgeous old summer house in Kerry which was now about to become a five-star destination. She and Luke had stayed there and both really enjoyed it, Luke disappearing off to play a bit of golf while she worked and had discussions with David Mountjoy, the owner, about the exact image he hoped to create. It was a magical place, and David and his wife Heather deserved to see their hotel do well.
She checked her phone. There was a message from her flatmate Nikki: ‘See you two Musketeers at home soon.’
Erin had been thinking about heading to Dundrum to do a bit of late-night shopping, but she’d give that a miss and head home to the apartment instead. Girlie nights with her two flatmates on a Wednesday, with pizza or pasta and a bottle of wine, were far more important. The rest of the week the three of them always seemed to be rushing around and often didn’t get to talk to each other for days on end. Her friends were important and she knew that, no matter how busy she was in work, she had to make time for them.
Funny – Nikki had been acting strangely for the past few weeks and both Erin and Claire were worried about her. She was barely eating and had got even thinner than usual. Claire said she could hear Nikki throwing up sometimes. Maybe she had anorexia? Whatever it was, it was definitely getting worse. Eating disorders were a nightmare to deal with, but if Nikki needed help, they would both do everything they could for her.
On her way home Erin grabbed a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, a big bag of tortilla chips and three fudge brownies for dessert. Nikki normally loved them – if she didn’t take the brownies, then there was definitely something seriously wrong with her.
Claire was in the kitchen already cooking when she got in.
‘Smells good,’ she said, grabbing a few slices of ham.
‘Hey – that’s for with our meal! I’m doing risotto with prosciutto and asparagus tips,’ Claire explained, moving the chopping board out of the way of temptation. As she dumped the wine in the fridge to chill, Erin thought just how lucky she was, sharing with someone who was almost a professional chef.
‘Where’s Nikki?’
‘She’s in the shower.’
‘Do you think we should say something to her tonight?’
‘Erin, it’s the perfect chance. We have to try to find out what the hell is going on with her.’
Erin sighed. She hated confrontation. She and Nikki and Claire had been friends for years, since they were all kids. She’d hung out with Claire since they were five years old. They’d started school together and grown up together and shared so many things. Nikki had become the third Musketeer when they had gone to St Louise’s Secondary School and ended up sitting in the row of desks beside each other at the back of the class. The lunatic Irish teacher would give them constant detentions and bad marks for always talking and messing.
‘You three!’ she would say angrily. ‘How can you still be talking?’
‘Cos we’re best friends,’ they’d retort.
Best friends always talked and messed and hung out together. They were now in their mid-twenties and still hung out together and shared the second-floor apartment on Sandymount Road. Best friends helped each other out and stood by each other and supported each other. Claire was right – they had to get this sorted.
Erin pulled on leggings and a grey knitted sweater and went into the living room. Nikki came in a few minutes later, her hair still damp.
‘I got us two DVDs on my way home.’ Erin glanced at Nikki, seeing just how washed-out and exhausted she looked as she curled up with a few cushions on the couch. Maybe Claire was right, there really was something up with her.
‘Food’s ready!’
Claire had excelled herself with the creamy risotto. ‘I’m entering you into Master Chef Ireland next year,’ said Erin, as she sprinkled some more parmesan on to her plate. ‘You are such a brilliant cook.’
‘Erin, it’s just a hobby,’ Claire smiled, ‘and that’s the way it is staying. I think it relaxes me after a hard day doing massages and exercises on my patients.’
Nikki was quiet and they were only halfway through the meal when she got up from the table and ran to the bathroom.
‘I told you,’ whispered Claire, concerned.
Nikki returned and sat down, but said nothing, pushing the remnants of her meal away. Erin cleared the plates and made coffee, bringing in the fudge brownies for them all. Nikki left hers untouched on her plate.
Erin couldn’t hide her worry. What the hell was going on with her? They had to say something.
‘Are you okay, Nikki?’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked defensively.
‘You’re not eating your brownie.’
‘It’s only a brownie. Anyway, I’m full.’
‘Is that really true?’ asked Claire. ‘I heard you this morning and last night.’
‘Are you spying on me, is that it?’ Nikki shouted angrily.
‘No, we’re not,’ replied Erin. ‘We’re both just worried about you.’
‘Nikki, what’s going on?’ demanded Claire.
They were waiting for a tirade of anger and abuse, but instead were greeted with utter abject misery as Nikki began to cry.
‘I’m pregnant …’
‘What?’
‘I’m fecking pregnant! I’m twelve weeks gone.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course I’m bloody sure! I did the stupid test thing three times to check. It’s positive!’
Erin didn’t know what to say.
‘You’re going to have a baby, Nikki! That’s great news,’ Claire said, trying to sound positive about it.
‘When is the baby due?’ Erin asked, attempting to hide her own shock.
‘September. I still can’t believe it! It’s so fecking unfair,’ gulped Nikki, her breath coming in shuddery, shaky gasps. ‘I think it’s going to be around mid-September.’
‘Haven’t you booked in with a doctor or hospital yet?’
‘No,’ she said firmly.
‘How does Conor feel about being a dad?’ probed Claire.
‘I haven’t told him yet,’ she said, burying her head in her hands. ‘To be honest, I don’t know how he’ll take it.’
Conor Lynch and Nikki had only been going out for about six months. They got on well together and Conor was a fun type of guy, loving nothing better than a few pints at the weekend before hitting a night club. However, Erin couldn’t imagine him being a dad. Well, not for a few years yet! He was repeating exams and always seemed skint, paying back some loan or other.
‘We’re so pleased for you, Nikki, honest we are,’ said Erin softly, giving her a big hug. ‘I can just imagine you with the most gorgeous little baby.’
‘I wonder will it be a boy or a girl?’ laughed Claire.
‘You’ll be a wonderful mum, wait till you see,’ Erin assured her, worried by Nikki’s expression.
‘I’m not ready to be a mum,’ she wailed hysterically. ‘Not yet.’
‘But you love babies and they love you,’ said Claire consolingly. ‘You’re great with kids.’
‘They are other people’s kids,’ Nikki protested. ‘It doesn’t mean I want one of my own, not right now.’
‘What do you mean, Nikki?’ Erin was confused. What was Nikki trying to tell them?
‘I mean that I might not have this baby,’ she said, tears welling in her eyes. ‘I really don’t know if I want to do this. Having a baby changes everything!’
‘Not have it?’ Erin couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
‘I need to think about it. Talk to Conor.’
‘What about your mum and dad?’
‘What about them? This is my decision, not theirs,’ she said angrily.
Erin was fond of Ruth and Malachy Byrne, Nikki’s parents, and suspected they would be wonderful grandparents.
‘Nikki, everyone cares about you. We’ll all help out, honest we will.’
‘You won’t be on your own,’ Claire added.
‘We’ll help you, Nikki,’ they promised together. ‘We’re your friends.’
‘I know,’ said Nikki. ‘I know that I have the best friends in the world. But I just don’t know what to do. I’m only hanging on to my job by a thread and if Fergus O’Neill hears I’m pregnant he’ll go mad.’
‘Your boss can’t fire you because you’re pregnant,’ Claire reminded her. ‘That’s discrimination.’
‘He could make things very awkward for me.’
Claire went and opened another bottle of wine. She stopped pouring when she came to Nikki’s glass.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking?’ She hesitated. Nikki had already downed about half of the first bottle.
‘Of all nights, I need a drink tonight, Claire. Don’t be such a goody-two-shoes,’ Nikki protested angrily. Claire refilled her glass.
‘How are you feeling?’ asked Erin.
‘Crap. Tired, exhausted. I can’t sleep. I can’t think properly, and to top it all I keep puking. Not just in the morning but all through the day and night. It’s a fecking nightmare.’
Erin reached automatically for her friend.
‘Why did this have to happen?’ bawled Nikki. ‘Why am I the one to get pregnant? It must have been when I got that food poisoning a few weeks back from that chicken sweet and sour we got from the takeaway.’
Erin remembered both Claire and Nikki had been violently sick for twenty-four hours afterwards. Thank heaven she’d ordered a prawn stir-fry.
‘It’s not fair,’ Nikki said.
‘I know,’ soothed Erin.
‘When my period was late I kept hoping that it was nothing – stress, anxiety, dates mixed up … But then I did a pregnancy test. I nearly died! I kept thinking that it must be some kind of mistake, or that I had done something stupid with the test. But the results were all the same – positive. I’m pregnant whether I like it or not.’
They sat up curled up on the couch and squashy armchair for hours, talking and going over Nikki’s various options. Claire was playing devil’s advocate as Nikki went from wanting to have the baby to wanting to not have it. Have the baby! Don’t have the baby!
‘You have a boyfriend. A good job. You’re healthy. You want to have kids.’
‘You have an on–off relationship that might not last.’
‘You are a workaholic and having a kid will make a massive dent in your career ambitions.’
‘You are always stressed and tired.’
‘You are definitely not ready to have kids yet.’
‘Nobody knows about this baby except for the two of you,’ Nikki said drunkenly, ‘so nobody will know if I go and have a termination. I’ll just say I’m going to London for the weekend and then – Abracadabra! Like magic, the baby is gone. Phewt – disappeared.’
Erin didn’t know what to say. Claire, half asleep, was actually agreeing to go to London if Nikki really wanted someone with her to go to a clinic.
They went through three bottles of wine, a half bottle of vodka and some duty-free peach schnapps that was in the back of their drinks cabinet before eventually collapsing into their beds.
Erin could hardly sleep a wink. She kept thinking about Nikki and the baby – if there ever was even going to be a baby. The way Nikki was talking, there was a good chance that she was heading to London in a few weeks’ time for a quick and easy termination, her problem solved. Who could blame her? But Erin felt especially uneasy about it. She was adopted, and being adopted changed everything …
Her own mother probably hadn’t wanted her either, but at least she’d had the guts to go through with the pregnancy. If her mother had taken the easy option, she wouldn’t be here – Erin Grace Harris wouldn’t even exist. At least her birth mother had given her the chance for life. Whoever she was, she’d chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy and then had made the decision to give Erin up to be adopted, agreeing for her to be handed into the care of another woman and her husband to raise. She was lucky! Her mum and dad had adopted her when she was only a few months old.
She couldn’t let Nikki go off to London and do something that she would regret for the rest of her life. Getting rid of a baby – how could anyone get over that? It could destroy Nikki.
Being a single mum wasn’t easy, but Nikki would have so much support and help from everyone, and besides, Conor might actually be okay about becoming a dad.
Erin tossed and turned most of the night. She found herself thinking about her own past – something she rarely did; thinking of some strange young woman who had faced a similar dilemma almost twenty-seven years ago and had made her decision.
Hearing Nikki getting sick at about six thirty, she made her a cup of tea and a slice of plain, buttered toast and brought it into the bedroom to her.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Crap.’ Nikki looked awful.
‘Did you sleep?’
Nikki shook her head.
‘I couldn’t sleep either,’ Erin admitted. ‘Don’t get rid of the baby, Nikki. This baby is part of you – a little you. I don’t want to miss seeing him or her crawling around or learning to walk or talk. Please have your baby! So what if it’s not the right time, or things with you and Conor don’t work out? You have us! And the rest of your friends, and your family. We’ll all help you, I promise.’
Nikki stretched out her skinny white arms and caught Erin in a big hug.
‘I’m scared,’ she admitted. ‘But you’re right, Erin, this is my baby and I just have to get used to it. I feel awful, but I’m not going to go anywhere. I couldn’t do it …’
‘You’ll book into a hospital?’ asked Erin.
‘Yes. And I’ll tell Conor tonight, and then go and tell Mum and Dad at the weekend.’
Erin was so relieved.
‘What are you two up to?’ interrupted Claire, hungover, in the doorway in her pyjamas, brown hair standing on end.
‘Nikki’s going to have the baby!’