Contents
1 Her Fatal Attraction
2 Bird Brains
3 Mind Over Matter
4 Willing to Share
5 Irresistible Temptation
6 Eccentricity to a Tee
7 Red Alert
8 Unorthodox Methods
9 Conversation Stopper
10 Ultimate Relaxation
11 A Misfit
12 The Early Bird
13 The Doctor’s Nightmare
14 Taken for a Ride
15 Prejudice
16 Short Treatment
17 A Cold Spell
18 A Weighty Problem
19 All Blunders
20 East-West Trade
21 The Pep Talk
22 The Discarded Hearing-Aid
23 Do You Take Sugar?
24 The Undeniable Accent
25 Telling Vibrations?
26 The Odd Couple
27 Horse Sense
28 Champions
29 Sporting Rivals
30 The Ballerina
31 Old Habits Die Hard
32 Infantile Imagination
33 Chitchat
34 A Useful Tip
35 A Matter of Etiquette
36 A Bizarre Experience
37 Who was the Victim?
38 A Fairy Tale
39 A Shortage of Pintas
40 Language Lessons
41 The Better Deal
42 A Migraine Cure
43 Bad Form
44 A Slight Anticlimax
45 Lateral Thinking
46 A Great Response
47 Exceptional Credulity
48 Occupational Hazard?
49 Great Expectations
50 A Change of Heart
51 A Panacea
52 A Game of Doubles
53 Her Heart’s Desire
Useful Addresses
Books available from the same author
By Appointment Only series:
Arthritis, Rheumatism and Psoriasis (5th impression)
Asthma and Bronchitis
Cancer and Leukemia (2nd impression)
Heart and Blood Circulatory Problems
Life Without Arthritis – The Maori Way
Migraine and Epilepsy (3rd impression)
The Miracle of Life (2nd impression)
Multiple Sclerosis (4th impression)
Neck and Back Problems (4th impression)
Realistic Weight Control (2nd impression)
Skin Diseases
Stress and Nervous Disorders (3rd impression)
Traditional Home and Herbal Remedies (5th impression)
Viruses, Allergies and the Immune System (4th impression)
Nature’s Gift series:
Body Energy (2nd impression)
Water – Healer or Poison?
Food
Well Woman series:
Menstual and Pre-menstrual Tension
WHO’S NEXT?
Jan de Vries
The
Humorous
Reminiscences
of an Alternative
Medical Practitioner
Illustrations by PETER FOYLE
This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licenced or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Epub ISBN: 9781780570853
Version 1.0
www.mainstreampublishing.com
Copyright © Jan de Vries, 1989
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author has been asserted
First published in 1989 by
MAINSTREAM PUBLISHING CO. (EDINBURGH) LTD
7 Albany Street
Edinburgh EH1 3UG
ISBN 1 85158 516 8
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for insertion in a magazine, newspaper or broadcast.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
The names of characters in this book and certain events described therein have been altered to avoid any possible embarrassment to the individuals concerned.
Alternative Medicine Man
Gin ye should spiflicate yer spine
And yints are jerkit oot o’ line,
Frae pain, alas, there’s nae release,
Until ye gang tae Jan de Vries.
Ye suffer torture in yer kyte,
For weeks yer in an awfu plight;
And scunnert, noo, wi castor ile,
It’s time ye gaed tae Auchenkyle.
Yer girth is forty inches roon,
Yer wecht, ye canna get it doon;
And ten tae wan it will increase,
Unless ye gang tae Jan de Vries.
Ye hae arthritis in yer banes
And walkin racks ye, fu’ o’ pains;
But skeich ye’d be tae rin a mile,
Gin ye wad gang tae Auchenkyle.
Gin ye’re afflictit unco sair
And doakters dinna help nae mair,
Yer aches and pains will a’ decrease,
When in the hauns o’ Jan de Vries.
Ye’ve smokit fags for mony a year,
The consequences, noo, ye fear;
Ye needna swither for a while,
It’s time ye rung up Auchenkyle.
It’s faur ower late tae hope and pray;
Get on the phone withoot delay!
When contemplatin yer decease,
Yer only hope is Jan de Vries!
John Boyd (a patient)
1
Her Fatal Attraction
WEEK IN, WEEK out, she used to come into town on her old bike and at the end of her shopping trip she would call into the pharmacy. The two bags hanging on either side of the luggage carrier of her bike would be loaded to overflowing with provisions. She would always arrive at our pharmacy at lunch-time. Her name was Mrs Clean, although this in itself was a laugh, as she did not do her name justice. By anyone’s standards she was far from clean and, dare I say it, she was also far from attractive.
Every week she called into the pharmacy for the same errand and it was usually me who was sent down to serve her. Our pharmacy was in a very old building in a lovely old town in the Netherlands. The stock-room was on a different level to the shop itself. For obvious reasons, the dispensary bordered the stock-rooms. Let us not forget that in those days most prescriptions had to be individually prepared by the pharmacist; powders had to be mixed and pills were handmade. Few medicines were available ready-made on demand from the pharmaceutical manufacturers or wholesalers.
When there were no customers in the shop, the staff would usually be busy upstairs helping out. Whenever a customer opened the door to the shop, a bell would ring and someone would make their way down. We could see what was happening in the shop and who was entering through a plate-glass window . . . and as I remember it, it always seemed to be me who was sent down when Mrs Clean called in.
At that time I was not yet qualified. I could handle most counter sales as these rarely caused any problems, but I could always call in another member of the staff if I did encounter any difficulty. As Mrs Clean always made the same purchase, she was an easy customer.
On this occasion, however, after I had served her as usual, Mrs Clean took her time and looked around before starting to leave the premises. Then she came back to the counter. Self-consciously she approached me with the words: “Could I ask you for some personal advice?”
Although greatly taken aback, of course I assured her that I would try to be of help. Please remember that I was still very young and inexperienced. I was therefore flabbergasted when I heard her question. If only I had had the sense to call another member of staff at that point, but no such luck!
She proceeded to tell me that her husband was considerably older than herself and that they had several children. However, every day after supper her husband felt amorous and wanted to retire with her. She blushed while telling me that she had become less and less inclined to give in to his amorous demands and therefore it appeared that she was unable to perform to his expectations. I tried to cover up my embarrassment by appearing to think deeply on the matter but, as if this were a request for further information, she continued by supplying me with even more personal details.
By now shivers were running up and down my spine and I decided, there and then, that I never wanted to have anything whatsoever to do with sex. Suffice to say, that one is entitled to change one’s mind when growing up!
However, the big question remained: how on earth was I going to answer her? By that time I felt definitely too entangled to nip up the stairs and involve any of the other staff. I imagine that it would usually have been my aunt, who was the pharmacist, who would deal with any questions in this field, but things had gone too far for me to go and call her down. I would have had to give her an explanation and even the thought of doing so made me feel embarrassed. I then decided to take the bull by the horns and suggested that Mrs Clean purchase some tranquillisers for her husband.
When Mrs Clean informed me that he would never willingly agree to take a tranquillising tablet, I went further and suggested that she administer it surreptitiously. How about pulverising a tablet and adding it to his porridge?
She duly purchased a bottle of tranquillisers and left the premises. Whatever happened after that is anyone’s guess, but I never saw Mrs Clean again. My colleagues often wondered what might have happened to her, as she had been such a regular customer for so long — once a week at lunchtime. Believe me, I never let on about what I considered at one time to have been a most delicate situation!
2
Bird Brains
ONE DAY, two little boys came up to the counter in the pharmacy where I was doing my apprenticeship. I knew them as the two young sons of a well-to-do local gentleman farmer. Timidly, they asked me for something with which to wash the sparrows’ hair. I thought that I must have misunderstood what they meant and therefore asked them to repeat themselves. Still none the wiser, I explained to them that nature takes care of that and sparrows do not need to be washed as rainwater does this quite effectively. I also explained that sparrows have feathers, not hair.
“Our sparrows have hair,” insisted the older of the pair.
A grubby hand was placed on the counter to show me some money and they again told me that their mother had been insistent they come back with something with which to wash the sparrows’ hair. I could hear one or two of the other customers sniggering in the background, but the boys stood their ground and I was beginning to feel sorry for them. If it had been another time of the year, I would have thought that they had been sent out on a wild goose chase, because to me it sounded like an April Fool’s joke.
I decided to telephone their mother for clarification so that she could tell me herself what she wanted and save the lads a second journey. When I asked them for their name and telephone number, I immediately realised that a telephone call was superfluous. Their mother had indeed sent them for something for the sparrows’ hair. What they wanted was shampoo and their name was Sparrow!
3
Mind over Matter
AT THE PHARMACY where I worked during my years of study, I was consulted by an elderly gentleman. He told me that he had great difficulty walking and was lucky if he could manage a few hundred yards at a time. On the whole, considering his age, he was still quite fit and healthy and had plenty of energy. He explained that if it had not been for his legs, he would be able to get out and enjoy himself. He desperately wanted to be able to go and visit his friends, instead of having to sit at home and wait for them to call in on him.
Just about that time the newspapers were giving a great deal of publicity to the beneficial properties of garlic and this herb had recently become available on the market in tablet form. This very simple remedy — still greatly valued today by many regular users — had been the subject of numerous “miracle” stories in the press, with the most remarkable recoveries being accredited to the use of garlic tablets.
We discussed this trend and some of the claims that had been made and the elderly gentleman asked me if I knew personally of anyone who had used the remedy successfully. Unfortunately I did not, but nevertheless he decided to give it a try.
Three weeks later he reappeared in the shop to purchase a further supply of garlic tablets and I remarked upon the fact that he looked particularly lively. He proudly informed me that he had increased his intake to six garlic tablets per day. He had never felt better and his walking had improved beyond imagination. He added that, apart from losing most of his friends, he was now the happiest man in the world. Anyway, he was now able to call on his friends and they would soon get used to the particular aroma that enveloped him!
This experience proves, as I have witnessed so often over the years, how the power of fervent desire combined with the psychology of whole-hearted conviction can eventually bear fruit.
4
Willing to Share
AFTER I GRADUATED as a pharmacist, my life changed direction drastically. Shortly after I had finished my pharmaceutical studies, I decided to diversify into alternative medicine. Later, when I had qualified for my studies in homoeopathy, naturopathy and osteopathy, the well-known Swiss naturopath Dr Alfred Vogel invited me to open the first clinic for alternative therapies in the Netherlands.
My time at this well-organised clinic has left me with countless memories. Thinking back to those early days, disconcerting and humorous memories alike spring easily to mind. Obviously we had our share of seriously ill patients, but we also had our share of malingerers. This may sound unkind and is certainly not meant in an unpleasant manner, but we all know the type of person who is intent on sharing his or her discomfort with others and expects endless sympathy. It is equally true that there are many people who prefer to suffer in silence and from whom we will rarely hear a complaint.
I well remember one of our very first patients who fell into the category of those who insist on sharing their discomfort. He was an elderly gentleman with beautiful, distinguished-looking white hair, who needed treatment to improve his general health. However, he soon became somewhat of a nuisance to his fellow patients, as he insisted on telling everyone how ill he really was. He demanded everyone’s attention and sympathy. This was all the more ludicrous, as many of the patients he was surrounded by were much more seriously ill than he.
I spent a fair amount of time with this gentleman and tactfully tried to point out to him that people are rarely interested in someone else’s medical history and even if they do listen politely, it is quite enough to hear the story once. In any case, I told him, apart from kidney stones, there was basically very little wrong with him. This he had refused to accept and I already knew that he had previously gone from one source to another in his obsession to get “well” again.
At our clinic it was decided to use an old-fashioned remedy to encourage his body to pass the kidney stones, rather than have him finally having to resort to surgery.
It should be understood that alternative medicine does not have a radical stance against surgery. Under certain circumstances surgery seems to be the only answer, but so often surgical operations are performed where alternative medicine can be used successfully in its place. Much money can be saved by avoiding the expense of both the operation itself and the resulting need for a lengthy period of convalescence in hospital. Moreover, the traumatic shock to the patient’s system is considerably minimised by the gentler methods of alternative medicine.
This particular, very concerned patient had developed the habit of studiously examining the results of his bowel and bladder movements, and to facilitate this effort he had accustomed himself to using a chamberpot. One lunchtime he excused himself rather hurriedly from the dining room and returned shortly afterwards proudly carrying his chamberpot.
Greatly excited, he clearly intended to show the contents of this receptacle to his fellow patients, so that they could all share in his delight at seeing there the gritty residue of his kidney stones. Needless to say, one of the medical attendants immediately stepped in to distract our elderly patient, duly fawned over the contents of the chamberpot, and led him sharply out of the dining room before he could upset any of his fellow patients and make a complete fool of himself!
5
Irresistible Temptation
ANOTHER PATIENT in the same residential clinic in the Netherlands comes to mind, whose elephantine size was certainly very apt, as her name, loosely translated, was Mrs Oliphant. She had come to our clinic to lose weight. As the wife of a high-ranking army officer, she had become accustomed to the best of food and drink, as she regularly had to accompany her husband to official functions.
We therefore had a great struggle to keep her on a strict dietary regime and she needed constant supervision. She was very keen to lose weight and tried to co-operate, but only up to a point! We did not attempt to imprison our patients, and in the evening she would sometimes be unable to resist temptation and would occasionally disappear and go on a binge. She would return later, very contrite, and promise that it would never happen again.
During our talks she admitted to having a weakness for chocolate and so we kept a very close eye on her. After a fortnight at the clinic, she had lost an encouraging amount of weight and felt very cheerful about her achievements. Then one afternoon, when I enquired about her, the sister-in-charge informed me that she had gone out to see something of the countryside accompanied by one of the nurses. As the clinic was situated in a beautifully wooded area and it was a glorious autumn afternoon, it did not seem such a bad idea. A taxi had been ordered and the two ladies had set out in high spirits.