COVER
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
INTRODUCTION
1. Advanced Bedroom Skills for Great Sex
2. Sex and Passion
3. How to Drive a Woman Wild with Pleasure
4. Sexual Confidence
5. Women Are Like the Moon, Men Are Like the Sun
6. The Joy of Quickies
7. Why Couples Are Having Less Sex
8. How to Rekindle the Passion
9. Polarity Sex
10. Mechanical Sex Versus Spontaneous Sex
11. Passionate Monogamy
12. Sexual Anatomy and Oral Sex
13. Keeping the Magic of Romance Alive
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
COPYRIGHT
THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY WIFE, BONNIE,
whose openness, creativity, and love continue to inspire my writings and deepen my understanding of relationships.
He wants sex. She wants romance. Sometimes it seems as if our partners are from different planets, as if he’s from Mars and she’s from Venus. In the bedroom, it is obvious that men and women are different, but we may not realize just how different we are. It is only through understanding and accepting our obvious and less obvious differences that we can achieve true intimacy and great sex.
We’re all aware that sex tends to be more important to men while romance is more important to women, but we generally don’t understand why. Without a deeper understanding of this fundamental difference, women commonly underestimate the importance of sex for men and many times judge them as superficial for wanting only one thing.
A woman’s judgments begin to soften when she discovers the real reasons that some men seem to want only sex. With a deeper understanding of our sexual differences based on our historical development and social conditioning, she can begin to understand why, for many men, sexual arousal is the key for helping them connect with and realize their loving feelings.
For many men, sexual arousal is the key for helping them connect with and realize their loving feelings.
It is through sex that a man’s heart opens, allowing him to experience both his loving feelings and his hunger for love as well. Ironically, it is sex that allows a man to feel his needs for love, while it is receiving love that helps a woman to feel her hunger for sex.
Sex allows a man to feel his needs for love, while receiving love helps a woman to feel her hunger for sex.
A man often misunderstands a woman’s real need for romance and may feel instead that she is withholding sex. When he wants sex and she is not readily in the mood, he easily misunderstands and feels rejected. He does not instinctively realize that a woman generally needs to feel loved and romanced before she can feel her hunger for sex.
Just as a woman needs good communication with her partner to feel loved and loving, a man needs sex. Certainly, a man can feel loved in other ways, but the most powerful way a woman’s love can touch his soul and open his heart is through great sex.
Ideally, for sex to be great there must be loving and supportive communication in the relationship. This is the first step. When communication works, all the bedroom skills in this book can be most easily applied.
If communication in a relationship is OK, hearing and using the ideas in this book will dramatically increase the passion and quality of sex. When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship gets better. Through great sex, the man begins to feel more love, and, as a result, the woman starts getting the love she may have been missing. Automatically, communication and intimacy increase.
When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship automatically gets better.
When a couple is experiencing relationship problems, sometimes, instead of focusing on the problems, taking a shortcut and creating great sex immediately reduces the problems and makes them easier to solve. To most effectively solve relationship problems and ensure lasting intimacy and better communication, I recommend that you read my other books, What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You & Your Father Didn’t Know and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Sometimes, however, the most effective way to jumpstart a relationship is to first learn the bedroom skills for creating great sex.
Great sex is the most powerful way to open a man’s heart and help him to feel his love and express it to a woman. Great sex softens a woman’s heart and helps her to relax and receive her partner’s support in other areas of the relationship. This softening of her feelings dramatically improves her ability to communicate in a manner that her partner can hear without becoming defensive. This improved communication in turn provides a basis for sex to remain passionate.
Great sex is the most powerful way to open a man’s heart and help him to feel his love and express it to a woman.
While many useful books address the mechanics of sex, this book addresses the mechanics of making sure you have sex. Through new approaches for communicating, you will learn how to initiate sex in ways that assure that both your sexual needs and your partner’s are satisfied. In addition, we will explore the psychological differences between men and women in a way that will help you understand what works best for your partner.
Most books focus on what men and women physically need, but few address their unique psychological needs as well. This book leads men and women toward sexual fulfillment both physically and emotionally. Not only are men grateful when women learn this information, but women experience greater happiness in and out of the bedroom. I receive so many letters from couples after they take my seminars saying that they are now enjoying the best sex they ever had. Sometimes these couples have been married only a few years, but some of them have been married for more than thirty years.
Women today expect more from sex than ever before. It used to be that sex was primarily a way a woman fulfilled her husband. For many of our mothers, sex was something she did for him and not for herself. But now that birth control is more reliable and available and society is much more accepting of women’s sexual needs and desires, women have greater permission to explore and enjoy their sensual side. For many women, a growing interest in sex also reflects their need to find balance within themselves by reconnecting with their feminine side.
Having spent most of the day in a traditionally male job, she too wants a “wife” to greet her with love when she gets home. She too wants to enjoy the release that sex brings. Great sex fulfills her as much as it fulfills him. To cope with the stress of the modern workplace, not only does he need her support, but she needs his as well. Through learning new relationship skills, men and women can solve this problem together.
Advanced bedroom skills are required, however, if a man is to provide his partner with the sexual fulfillment that she now requires. The more traditional bedroom skills men and women have used for centuries are outdated. It is not enough for a man to have his way with a woman. She wants more. She wants her orgasm too. He must learn her way as well.
Just as women want more, men also want more. Men don’t want to give up passion in their relationships. More and more, both men and women would rather get a divorce than stay in a passionless marriage.
Neither sex is willing to put up with the old system of a man having discreet affairs to fulfill his sexual passion while a woman sacrifices her need for passion in favor of maintaining the family unit. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases make extramarital affairs far more dangerous than they were in the past. A modern man wants his partner to value sex in a way that allows him to stay passionately connected to her and their relationship. To achieve this end, advanced bedroom skills are required for both men and women.
In the first twelve chapters of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, we will explore how to create great sex in bed, and then, in chapter 13, we will explore the importance of romance outside the bedroom to keep the passion alive.
Quite commonly, after being married for several years, one of the partners stops wanting sex. Although the partner feels as if he or she has simply lost interest in sex, the disinterest is really caused because certain conditions for wanting sex are not being met. Throughout Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, we will explore these different needs in much detail. Many times men and women do not clearly know what their needs are or how to have them met. Rather than feel frustrated all the time, they just lose interest.
Surprisingly, at my seminars it is mostly the women who come up to me during the breaks and mention that their husbands just aren’t interested in sex anymore. Certainly, it is not unusual for men to want sex more than their partners do, but no matter which partner loses interest, passion can be rekindled with advanced bedroom skills.
This is a fun book and not too technical. I purposely made many of the chapters very short so that you can put the book down and enjoy practicing some of these new bedroom skills.
If a woman suggests to a man that he read this book, it is important that she not give him the message that he needs it or that she wants to improve their sex life. It may sound too serious to him and convey the message that he is not good enough or that he needs to be improved; he’ll easily feel insulted by this approach.
Instead, she should say, “Let’s read this book about sex. It is really fun,” or “This is really a sexy book. Let’s take turns reading it together.” He’ll respond much more positively if he sees that she wants to try something new along with him.
When a man approaches a woman to read this book, he should use the same approach but also be careful not to insist. If she resists, he can read it on his own and begin to use many of the techniques involved. As he succeeds in applying these techniques, she will be much more willing to read the book.
In each case, if your partner resists, gracefully say OK and read the book yourself. Eventually, the man will become interested in what the woman is reading if he sees that she is working on making sex great. Likewise, the woman will be more interested in sharing the book when the man begins applying new skills.
If your partner does not seem interested, just leave the book around the bedroom or put it in the bathroom, and curiosity will motivate him or her without you having to do anything more.
Reading this book out loud with your partner can assist you in expressing feelings about sex in an easy manner. By making a simple sound of enthusiasm or delight as a certain passage is read, you can give your partner a very important message. In a positive way, you can share ideas that you have avoided expressing for fear that they might sound critical or controlling. Seeing something in print makes it much easier to accept.
Another approach is for both partners to read the book alone and then start using it. Eventually, it is helpful to improve communication if they read it out loud together or at least read their favorite parts.
Many times a woman is hesitant to describe what she likes in sex because she doesn’t want her partner to follow her instructions mechanically. Reading about various skills in sex will certainly give both men and women plenty of new approaches to experiment with. This newness can assist couples in experiencing new passion. The purpose of this book is not just to educate, but also to inspire.
Men sometimes tell me that they already know what I am telling them about sex, but it is certainly great to be reminded in such a positive way. Just talking about sex or reading about it in a book can release new passion.
I recommend that, after trying out some of these approaches, a couple continue to talk occasionally about each of their unique preferences. Some of these skills or approaches may be desirable to you but not to your partner. In some cases, over time your partner may change and begin to like certain things and not like other things.
It is important that you do not demand something that makes your partner uncomfortable and do not do something to your partner that he or she doesn’t want. Sex is a precious gift that two people can give to each other when they love each other.
It is best to just take in this information and then use whatever you like, as if choosing from a buffet. What some people like, others don’t like. You would never want to convince your partner that she should like potatoes if she doesn’t, nor would you judge your partner if he likes potatoes and you don’t.
For sex and passion to grow over time, it is important that we not feel the possibility of being judged or criticized for our wishes and desires. We should always try to approach sex in a nonjudgmental manner.
I offer this book as a reminder of many of the things you probably already know intuitively. I personally have benefited tremendously from each of the ideas I present, as have thousands of people I’ve counseled or who have attended my seminars. I hope you enjoy this book and continue to enjoy its insights for the rest of your days and nights.
Great sex is God’s gift to those who are committed to creating loving and supportive relationships. Great sex is your reward, and you deserve it.
John Gray
April 29, 1994
This book is for couples who are in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you are not in a committed, monogamous relationship, or if you are not absolutely one-hundred-percent sure that your partner is HIV negative, for your own safety and self-respect, you must practice safe sex. Many books explain how to practice safe sex without sacrificing spontaneity and pleasure, and I urge you to learn how to protect yourself from the AIDS virus as well as other sexually transmitted diseases.
It is especially important for women to take precautions. In a heterosexual relationship, women are at a higher risk than men are to be exposed to the AIDS virus, because during intercourse the virus, if it is present in the man’s semen, can enter her bloodstream through tiny tears in her vagina, tears that commonly occur during intercourse. Some women find it very difficult to insist that a man use a condom every time they have sex to protect her. Women need to remember that their lives and their health are far too important to risk just because he doesn’t want to reduce his sensitivity by wearing a condom. Many brands of condoms and lubricants will limit the loss of sensitivity, and there are many enjoyable ways of incorporating condoms into sex. Also, when a man’s sensitivity is reduced by wearing a condom, he may have an easier time holding back from ejaculating too early before she is satisfied, and by holding back, as I explain in greater detail in chapter 9, his orgasm may be even stronger.
Men need to remember that it is extremely difficult for a woman to relax, trust her partner, and truly enjoy sex when she is worried about being infected by HIV or another sexually transmitted disease, or when she is worried about getting pregnant. In the heat of the moment, it is easy for a man to forget the consequences of unsafe sex, but if he takes responsibility for remembering to protect her every time, she will appreciate him greatly and be even more open and intimate during sex because she will feel safe.
If you are in a committed, monogamous partnership and have been for at least six months, you can be accurately tested for the HIV virus (it often does not show up in the blood until six months after exposure). Ask your doctor or a public health clinic to test you and your partner.
ONE OF THE special rewards for learning and applying advanced bedroom skills is that sex gets better and better. Like a fabulous vacation after working hard, or a sensual walk through the forest on a sunny spring day, or the exhilaration of climbing to the top of a mountain, great sex is not just a reward but something that can rejuvenate the body, mind, and soul. It brightens our days and strengthens our relationship in the most basic ways.
A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it. Great sex fills our hearts with love and can fulfill almost all our emotional needs. Loving sex, passionate sex, sensual sex, long sex, short sex, quickie sex, gourmet sex, playful sex, tender sex, rough sex, soft sex, hard sex, romantic sex, goal-oriented sex, erotic sex, simple sex, cool sex, and hot sex are all an important part of keeping the passion of love alive.
A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also major factor in creating it.
Great sex softens a woman and opens her to experience the love in her heart and to remember her partner’s love for her in a most definite way. Her partner’s skillful and knowing touch leaves no doubt in her mind that she is important to him. The hunger for love within her soul is fulfilled with her partner’s passionate and fully present attention. An ever-present tension is momentarily released as she surrenders once again to the deepest longings of her feminine being. Her passion to love and be loved can be fully felt and fulfilled.
Great sex releases a man from all his frustrations and allows him to rekindle his passion and commitment to the relationship. In a most immediate way, he experiences the results of his efforts. Her fulfillment is his ultimate quest and victory. Her warm and wet responsiveness excites, electrifies, and awakens the deepest fibers of his masculine being. Heaven’s gates are opened, and he has arrived! Through her fulfillment, he feels he has made his mark and his love is appreciated. His sometimes hidden but all-consuming and ever-present desire to love and be loved is both felt and satisfied as he returns to his world yet remains deep within her.
Great sex reminds both men and women of the tender and highest love that originally drew them together. The alchemy of great sex generates the chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health.1 It leaves us not only with the sparkle of youthful vitality, but with a heightened sense of beauty, wonder, and appreciation not only for each other, but for the world around us. Great sex is God’s special gift to those who work hard to make love a priority in their lives.
The one major characteristic that makes a marriage more than just a loving friendship is sex. Sex directly nurtures our male and female sides more than any other activity a couple can share. Great sex is soothing to a woman and helps keep her in touch with her feminine side, while it strengthens a man and keeps him in touch with his masculine side. Sex has a tremendous power to bring us closer or push us apart.
To create great sex, it is not enough for men or women to follow their ancient instincts. As times have changed, the quality of sex has become much more important. Our mothers couldn’t tell us and our fathers didn’t know the secrets of great sex. Just as the skills for relating and communicating have changed, so also have the skills for sex. To fulfill our partners in bed, new skills are required.
Without a clear understanding of our different requirements in sex, after a few years—sometimes only months—sex becomes routine and mechanical. By making a few but significant shifts, we can completely overcome this pattern.
Great sex requires a positive attitude about sex. For a man to continue feeling attracted to his partner, he needs to feel that she likes sex as much as he does. Quite often a man will feel defeated in sex because he mistakenly gets the message that his partner is not as interested in sex. Without a deeper understanding of how we are wired differently for sex, it is very easy to feel discouraged.
Women love great sex as much as men. The difference between a woman and a man is that she doesn’t feel her strong desire for sex unless her need for love is first satisfied. Most important, she first needs to feel loved and special to a man. When her heart is opened in this way, her sexual center begins to open, and she feels a longing equal to or greater than what any man feels. To her, love is much more important than sex, but as the need for love is fulfilled, the importance of sex dramatically increases.
Women love great sex as much as men, but to feel turned on, women have many more requirements.
Even if a woman doesn’t feel loved but feels the possibility of being loved, she can begin to feel her deep desires for sex. Generally speaking, however, a man needs only the opportunity and the place to become aroused. In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.
In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.
This difference is reflected physiologically. The hormones in a man’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm.
For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. Before longing for sexual stimulation, a woman first feels warm, sensual, and attractive. She feels drawn to a man and enjoys sharing time together. It could be days before she wants to have sex.
For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. It is hard for a man to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience.
When a man becomes aroused, it is immediately sexual. To wait days requires enormous restraint on his part. It is hard for him to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience.
When a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and talk. Without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used.
In the beginning of a relationship, a man is more understanding of a woman’s need to wait before she has sex. But once they are having sex, he doesn’t realize that she still requires emotional support first before she wants to have sex. In a very real sense, emotional support is the price of admission. He does not understand the importance of fulfilling her emotional needs first because his requirements are less.
Women commonly think men only want one thing: sex. The truth is, however, that men really want love. A man wants love just as much as a woman, but before he can open his heart and let in his partner’s love, sexual arousal is a prerequisite. Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love.
Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love.
As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfillment during sex.
Women do not understand this about men. The hidden reason a man is so much in a hurry to have sex is that through sex, a man is able to feel again. Throughout the day, a man becomes so focused on his work that he loses touch with his loving feelings. Sex helps him to feel again. Through sex, a man’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most.
When a woman begins to understand this difference, it changes her whole perspective on sex. Instead of a man’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love. A woman’s feelings about a man’s preoccupation with sex can dramatically shift when she understands why a man needs sex.
Men need sex to feel. For thousands of years, men adapted to their primary job as protector and provider by shutting down their sensitivities, emotions, and feelings. Getting the job done was more important than taking the time to explore feelings. More feeling or sensitivity would just hold them back or get in the way.
Men need sex to feel.
To go out into the wild or into battle, men needed to put their feelings aside. To provide for and protect their families, men were required to risk their lives while enduring the discomforts of scorching sun and freezing cold. Men gradually adapted to this requirement by becoming desensitized. In fact, this difference shows up dramatically in skin sensitivity. Women’s skin is ten times more sensitive than men’s skin.
To cope with pain, men learned to turn off their feelings. When they stopped feeling pain, however, they also lost their ability to feel pleasure and love. For many men, other than hitting their finger with a hammer or watching a football game, sex is one of the only ways they can feel! It is definitely the way they can feel most intensely. When a man is aroused, he rediscovers the love hidden in his heart. Through sex, a man can feel, and through feeling, he can come back to his soul again.
Women don’t understand this difference because they have different requirements to fully feel. A woman primarily needs the emotional security to talk about her feelings. When she feels supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more important.
It is confusing to her when he wants sex and they are not even talking or he has ignored her for days. To her, it seems as if he doesn’t care if they have much of a relationship. She has no idea that when he begins to hunger for sex it is because he wants to reconnect and share love. Just as communication is so important to women, sex is important to men.
A woman’s sexual responsiveness is the most powerful way he can hear that he is loved. Sex can be the most powerful means to rekindle a man’s feelings of love.
When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high. Sex is the direct line to a man’s heart.
When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high.
A man is empowered and nurtured most when he feels appreciated, accepted, and trusted. When a woman is aroused, she is actually giving a man megadoses of what he needs most.
When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defenses and not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being as well. By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated. In the most tangible and physical way possible, he feels and experiences that he is making a difference.
Even if he is stressed from the day, if his wife is feeling loved and supported and enjoys sex with him, he can be immediately rejuvenated. Although it seems as if sex makes him feel better, it is really that he is feeling again and able to let in her love. He is no longer cut off from his feeling self but can move into that deserted part of his being again. He can feel whole again. Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings.
Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, during sex he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings.
Through touching her softness and entering the warmth of her loving body, he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness and warmth. Through skillfully restraining his sexual passions, he is able to gradually open up not just to pleasurable sensations, but to the deeper joy of loving his partner and being loved in return.
It was about the fifth year of my marriage with Bonnie when I began to understand consciously what really makes sex great.
One time after having really great sex, I said, “Wow, that was great. I loved it. I loved every little moment. That was as good as it was in the beginning …”
I looked at Bonnie, expecting her to nod in agreement or say something like, “Yes, that was spectacular.” Instead, she looked a little puzzled.
I said, “Well, wasn’t it as good for you?”
She said matter-of-factly, “I thought it was much better.”
I suddenly had ambivalent feelings. I thought, “What do you mean, this was better? Were you just faking it in the beginning? How could you say this was better? Wasn’t it great then too?”