Etiquette For Dummies, 2nd Edition
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Copyright © 2007 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2007925992
ISBN: 978-0-470-10672-3
Manufactured in the United States of America
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Sue Fox has provided etiquette products, group training, and private consultations to business professionals, celebrities, corporations, and educational institutions since 1994 with her company, The Etiquette Survival Group. Prior to that, she was employed in the high-tech industry with ten years of experience in sales and marketing and event planning at Apple Inc.
Sue has traveled extensively, is well-acquainted with various international cultures, and has provided train-the-trainer programs in India, Singapore, Malaysia, Hong Kong, China, Central America, East Africa, and Europe. She has developed teaching curricula and set up many Etiquette Survival Consultants nationally and internationally.
She is a Member of the International Association of Protocol Consultants (IAPC) and has an additional background in image consulting and makeup artistry, with 20 years of fashion-modeling experience in television and print.
Sue is also the author of Business Etiquette For Dummies, published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. She is the Executive Producer of The Etiquette Survival Kit, a series of educational videos and DVDs featuring dining and social etiquette and proper table settings for adults and teens.
The Etiquette Survival Group and its affiliates, MCE International in Los Angeles, California and Global Adjustments in Chennai, India, have formed strategic alliances and are currently developing etiquette and diversity products and programs. They are working together to create a better understanding of people in diverse business and social environments by emphasizing the importance of respect, diplomacy, and civility in every aspect of life.
Sue and her businesses have been featured in many national and international publications, including Woman’s Day, Vogue, Ladies’ Home Journal, Real Simple, American Baby, Newsweek, Fortune, New York Magazine, US Weekly, People, Los Angeles Times, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, New York Post, Chicago Tribune, Washington Times, San Francisco Examiner, Boston Globe, USA Today, Sunday London Times, Australian Financial News, Folha de S. Paulo, Brazilian Daily News, Nikkei Business Journal, Times of India, and The Hindu Businessline.
Media credits include radio interviews and feature stories on CNBC TV, KRON-TV San Francisco, Knowledge TV, San Francisco Mornings On 2, KOVR Sacramento, ABC World News, ABC News with Sam Donaldson, KQED San Francisco, CNET News.com, and KABC Los Angeles.
Etiquette Survival has offices in Northern and Southern California. Sue is the mother of two grown sons, Stephen and Nathan, and two grandsons, Joseph and Michael Fox.
In memory of my parents, Ray and Betty Swanson.
Etiquette For Dummies could not have come about without the contribution and participation of many talented and generous people.
First and foremost, I’d like to express my sincere appreciation to the wonderful team at John Wiley & Sons, Inc., especially to my Acquisitions Editor, Tracy Boggier; her guidance and expertise were essential in the preparation of this second revision. My deepest gratitude and thanks to my Project Editor, Georgette Beatty. Georgette’s amazing talent, creativity, advice, professionalism, and patience were truly invaluable.
My continued gratitude goes to my Copy Editor, Sarah Westfall, for her editing genius, and special thanks goes to the additional talent at John Wiley & Sons, Illustrator Liz Kurtzman and fabulous cartoonist Rich Tennant, who all helped shape this book. Thank you to my Technical Editor and colleague, Roxanne Steffens, for her expert knowledge and contribution. I would also like to acknowledge Holly McGuire, my first Acquisitions Editor; without you, Holly, I wouldn’t have had this opportunity. It has been a privilege to work with all of you.
To my always gracious friend and business partner, Linda Cain. My gratitude for your continued support, beautiful spirit, and faith in me is beyond words. And a special thank you for keeping the business afloat when I was unavailable!
My appreciation and gratitude to all my colleagues, clients, students, and The Etiquette Survival Group consultants who offer their encouragement and motivate me to continue on our quest to raise the awareness of treating ourselves and others respectfully.
I acknowledge gratefully the unfailing love and support of all my family and friends. To my sons, Stephen and Nathan; my sisters, Shirlee and Sandy; my brother Rick; my daughter-in-law Anne Fox; my niece Kelly Moynahan and her husband, Steve — your witty and clever input was much appreciated. And to my biggest fan, Robert Sibley, thank you for being a positive influence in my life and for always believing in me.
Finally, to my two adorable grandsons, Joseph and Michael, you’ll never know the joy you have given me.
May we all strive for a more peaceful and civil society.
We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.
Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media Development
Project Editor: Georgette Beatty
(Previous Edition: Pamela Mourouzis)
Acquisitions Editor: Tracy Boggier
Copy Editor: Sarah Westfall
(Previous Edition: Billie A. Williams)
Technical Editor: Roxanne Steffens
Editorial Manager: Michelle Hacker
Editorial Assistants: Erin Calligan Mooney, Joe Niesen, Leeann Harney
Cover Photo: © Legacy Photography
Cartoons: Rich Tennant (www.the5thwave.com)
Composition Services
Project Coordinator: Jennifer Theriot
Layout and Graphics: Joyce Haughey, Stephanie D. Jumper, Heather Ryan
Special Art: Elizabeth Kurtzman
Anniversary Logo Design: Richard Pacifico
Proofreaders: Aptara, Todd Lothery
Indexer: Aptara
Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies
Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies
Joyce Pepple, Acquisitions Director, Consumer Dummies
Kristin A. Cocks, Product Development Director, Consumer Dummies
Michael Spring, Vice President and Publisher, Travel
Kelly Regan, Editorial Director, Travel
Publishing for Technology Dummies
Andy Cummings, Vice President and Publisher, Dummies Technology/General User
Composition Services
Gerry Fahey, Vice President of Production Services
Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Service
Title
Introduction
About This Book
Conventions Used in This Book
What You’re Not to Read
Foolish Assumptions
How This Book Is Organized
Icons Used in This Book
Where to Go from Here
Part I : Starting Down the Road to Better Etiquette
Chapter 1: Examining Etiquette Basics
Taking Pride in Your Own Manners
Making Sure to Present Yourself Positively
Extending Courtesy to Everyone in Your Life
Saying the Right Thing
A Big Deal: Entertaining (and Being Entertained) with Style
Handling Special Situations
Chapter 2: Becoming a Model of Good Manners
Practicing and Benefiting from Thoughtful Behavior
Giving and Receiving Compliments
Rising Above Rudeness
Chapter 3: Presenting Yourself Positively: Dress, Grooming, and More
Putting Together a Winning Wardrobe
Dressing Appropriately for Any Occasion
Getting Spruced Up and Squeaky Clean
Paying Attention to Your Body Language and Posture
Coping with Things That Sneak Up on You
Part II : Fostering Well-Mannered Relationships
Chapter 4: Focusing on Courtesy with Your Family
Being Considerate of Your Better Half
Setting a Positive Example for Children
Acting Politely with Extended Family
Keeping Faraway Relatives Close
Chapter 5: Appreciating the Art of Friendships and Relationships
Widening Your Circle of Friends
Maintaining Your Existing Friendships
Showing Courtesy to Members of the Opposite Sex
Surviving the Dating Scene
Chapter 6: Showing Civility in the Working World
Building Positive Relationships at Work
Handling Unfamiliar Situations
Part III : Converse with Care: Saying Everything Right
Chapter 7: Engaging in Polite Conversation
Initiating a Conversation
Finding Something to Talk About
Listening: More Than Not Talking
Winding Down a Conversation
Chapter 8: Catching Up on Correspondence
Stocking Up on the Hardware of Letter Writing: Paper, Pen, and Other Fun Stuff
Selecting the Right Stationery
Crafting a Well-Written Letter
Writing Letters for Everyday Situations
Addressing Envelopes Appropriately
Chapter 9: Today’s Telephone Etiquette
Making and Receiving Calls
A Wireless World: Minding Your Cell-Phone Manners
Using Voice Mail, Answering Machines, and Caller ID
Providing Telephone Guidelines for Children
Chapter 10: Using New Rules for New Technology
Downloading Some Cyberspace Etiquette
Staying Safe on the Internet
Using Other High-Tech Gadgets Considerately
Chapter 11: Communicating in the Business World
Meeting and Greeting
Addressing Your Staff, Your Colleagues, and Your Boss
Surviving Meetings and Special Events in a Mannerly Way
Talking Business with the Help of Technology
Corresponding in Business Situations
Part IV : That’s Entertainment! Meals, Parties, and Gifts
Chapter 12: Eating Meals with Elegance
Behaving Properly After Everyone Is Seated
Looking at Table Settings
Mastering American and European Eating Styles
Eating Each Course of a Meal
Dealing with Difficult Foods
Making Deals While Breaking Bread
Recovering from Distressing Mealtime Moments and Common Blunders
Chapter 13: Drinking In the Wonders of Wine
Selecting a Pleasing Wine
Examining the Wine
Tasting Wine: An Art and a Pleasure
Getting a Grip on Wine Glasses
Savoring Champagne
Giving a Proper Toast
Drinking Alcoholic Beverages Sensibly
Chapter 14: Hosting a Memorable Event
Injecting Creativity and Organization into Your Party
Extending a Cordial Invitation
Arranging a Tasteful Menu
Welcoming Your Guests and Making a Great First Impression
Ending the Party
Something Special: Hosting a Semiformal or Formal Occasion
Chapter 15: Being a Gracious Guest
Responding to an Invitation
Arriving at an Event
Bringing a Gift
Mingling with Ease
Handling Any Situation Appropriately
Knowing When the Party’s Over
Being a Well-Mannered Houseguest
Following Up with a Thank-You Note
Chapter 16: Giving and Receiving Gifts with Class
Looking at the Basic Responsibilities of the Giver and the Recipient
Walking through the Gift-Giving Process
Giving a Fitting Gift for the Occasion
Expressing Your Thanks for a Gift
Exchanging, Returning, or Refusing Gifts
Part V : Making the Most of Special Situations
Chapter 17: Marking Life’s Major Events
Celebrating the Birth of a Baby
Becoming an Adult
Dealing with a Loss
Chapter 18: I Do! Celebrating Engagements and Weddings
Getting Engaged
Making Arrangements for the Big Day
Issuing Wedding Invitations
Planning Other Wedding-Related Get-Togethers
Celebrating after the Ceremony
Adhering to the Rules of Wedding Gifts
Dealing with Difficult or Unusual Circumstances
Chapter 19: On the Go: Travel Manners for Land, Sea, and Air
Planning a Trip with Minimum Fuss
Getting There Gracefully
Reaching Your Destination and Enjoying Your Stay
When in Rome: Navigating Your Way through International Cultures
Chapter 20: Being Sensitive about Disabilities and Illnesses
Using People-First Terminology
Understanding the Rules of Disability Etiquette
Dealing with Disability Issues in the Workplace
Doing the Right Thing When Someone Has an Illness or Serious Injury
Visiting the Sick in the Hospital and at Home
Talking to Your Children about People with Disabilities and Illnesses
Part VI : The Part of Tens
Chapter 21: Ten Etiquette Tips for Children and Teens
Be Respectful
Speak and Listen Courteously
Share and Share Alike
Look Good and Feel Good
Help Around the House
Meet and Greet with Manners
Practice Table Manners
Be a Good Guest (And a Good Host)
Respect All Cultures
Focus on the Positive
Chapter 22: Ten (Or So) Tips for Tipping Appropriately
Having a Drink at a Bar
Receiving Assistance in Selecting a Bottle of Wine
Being Attended to in a Restroom
Checking Your Coat with a Cloakroom Attendant
Dining in a Sit-Down Restaurant
Eating at a Lunch Counter or Buffet
Ordering Takeout Delivery
Hiring a Babysitter
Having an Appointment at a Hair Salon or Spa
Taking a Taxi
Utilizing a Bellhop’s or Skycap’s Services
: Further Reading
Your time will come. When you least expect it, you’ll receive an invitation to a banquet where each table setting involves more utensils than you have in your entire silverware drawer at home. Your company’s annual holiday party will be designated semiformal, and you won’t even have a clean tie. You’ll buy exactly four steaks for Sunday dinner with your in-laws, and they’ll bring along two cousins you never even knew existed. Life is full of moments when you don’t know exactly what to do — but have no fear, a little bit of etiquette can help you through.
Yes, etiquette deals with which fork to use for the salad course and concerns your behavior at cocktail receptions. But etiquette is a much broader issue. Etiquette is your key to surviving every human contact with your sense of humor and your self-esteem intact, and your reputation enhanced. Etiquette works in supermarket checkout lines, at family picnics, at company holiday parties, on the phone, online, and yes, at wedding receptions.
Remember that there’s no such thing as a vacation from good manners. Politeness works everywhere, all the time, and is all about taking the lead, making guests feel welcome, taking the time to evaluate the needs and intentions of others, and behaving in a way that ensures a pleasant outcome. At home, your polite behavior helps everyone in your family develop self-esteem. On the job, good manners encourage others to work well with you. As you go about your errands and chores, polite contacts with others earn you pleasant and helpful responses. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Your manners are always under examination, and by committees little suspected, awarding or denying you very high prizes when you least expect it.”
Unfortunately today, many people are exhibiting less civility toward one another, and children are following suit with teachers and peers in the classroom. The point is that everyone should do his best to set a good example and put others first. And that’s a point that you hear again and again in this book. Etiquette For Dummies, 2nd Edition, can help you find a way to put others at ease in almost any situation.
You certainly can’t find a shortage of books loaded with the so-called rules of etiquette. This book contains rules, too, but I approach the subject from the perspective of an ordinary person faced with social situations that are just a bit challenging. If you have time to put up your feet and read this book from cover to cover, you can come away with a working knowledge of etiquette in all its aspects. On the other hand, if you just received an invitation to a party and you aren’t sure how to dress or how to behave, you can turn to the appropriate section in this book, find the information you need, and head out to the party with confidence.
I include the following conventions to help you navigate this book easily:
Italics point out defined terms and emphasize certain words.
Boldface text indicates the key words in bulleted and numbered lists.
Monofont highlights Web addresses.
When this book was printed, some Web addresses may have needed to break across two lines of text. If that happened, rest assured that I haven’t put in any extra characters (such as hyphens) to indicate the break. So, when using one of these Web addresses, just type in exactly what you see in this book, pretending as though the line break doesn’t exist.
Feel free to skip sidebars (the shaded gray boxes within chapters). They contain information that’s definitely interesting (to me, at least!) but not crucial to understanding the fine points of etiquette.
As I wrote this book, I made the following assumptions about you, dear reader:
You want to build better relationships with your family, friends, co-workers, and other important folks in your life through good etiquette.
You seek information on how to behave with courtesy and consideration no matter the situation — whether you’re addressing an in-law, answering your cell phone, opening a gift, or attending a special function.
You may want to provide guidance to someone in your life who needs help with the finer points of etiquette.
You may want to have a competitive advantage in a growing work environment, and good manners just might do the trick.
You just want to refresh what you already know or clear up confusions about the complexities of contemporary etiquette — such as the etiquette rules for new technologies.
For whatever reason you’re reading this book, remember to always trust your instincts, because your gut feeling can be quite powerful and can help you come out feeling better about yourself and those around you.
I’ve organized this book into parts and then chapters by specific topics and situations. You don’t need to read any previous section to understand the one that interests you; just plunge in anywhere and get what you need. Following is a description of each part and what you can find in it.
In this part, I focus on you! I explain how to take pride in your own manners, give and receive compliments, and rise above rudeness. I also tell you all about how to keep yourself neatly groomed and how to send the right messages with your body language. And if you need to figure out what you should wear to a semiformal or formal event, or you need to get to the bottom of this business-casual thing, look no further than this part of the book.
Etiquette is all about putting others at ease. The result is that you build better relationships, whether it’s with the members of your family, your friends, or your co-workers. This part walks you through each type of relationship, giving you advice about making all your relationships better. I also address the particulars of gender relations — an especially tricky area in modern times. Do you hold the door for her or don’t you? Do you allow him to pay the tab or not? This part of the book has the answers.
Good communication is essential to good relationships, and thus an essential part of etiquette. This part explains how to handle yourself gracefully on paper, on the telephone, online, and in face-to-face conversations. I also include a chapter on business communication and the particular issues associated with communicating in the workplace.
Many etiquette questions come up when you’re planning to host a party or dinner. This part provides quite a bit of useful material for uncertain hosts who want to provide a good time for all guests. I also explain how to be a gracious guest who will definitely be invited back and how to both give and receive with the best of manners. You also receive a dose of proper table manners and discover the art of selecting, ordering, and tasting wine!
Special occasions are times that put many people into a panic, because “normal” behavior may no longer apply. The chapters in this part address those special situations, such as weddings, funerals, baptisms, and bar and bat mitzvahs. I also cover travel, both local and international, as well as the special etiquette that’s required when you’re interacting with someone who has a physical disability or illness.
This part contains three quick chapters that give you small, easily digestible bits of information. Here, you can find hints on teaching etiquette to children and tips on tipping.
Every For Dummies book uses icons to help you navigate your way through the text and to point out particularly noteworthy information. Here’s what the icons in this book look like and what they tell you:
So what now? You may use this book as a reference guide, reading any section that interests you. But if you’re new to this etiquette thing, I recommend starting off with the basics in Part I. There, you can get the info you need to set a solid foundation for future good manners. Even if you feel like you have basic manners down pat, a little review never hurt anyone.
If you have a specific situation or event in which you need some etiquette coaching, Parts IV and V offer chapters on a variety of topics. For example, if you’ve been invited to a wedding and you aren’t sure what to wear or what to bring, check out Chapter 18. Or maybe you want to host a dinner party at your home; if so, Chapter 14 is where you want to start.
In this part . . .
T his part explores the basic questions of why knowing how to treat each other and behaving in a polite and considerate manner hasn’t gone out of style. I touch on how good manners apply to your life and ways for you to extend courtesy to everyone. You’ll be a model of good manners in no time! And, why knowing how to best present yourself can get you started down the road to better etiquette!