Imagination does not mean inventing things, it means caring about them. —Thomas Mann
Sex and Sex / Planned or Spontaneous? / Male Fantasies / Safe, Sane, Consensual / Ground Rule: Respect
First Scenario: You’ve Known Him for Thirty Minutes or a Hundred Years / Second Scenario: The Stranger
The Right Setting for Good Sex / Presented in the Right Light / Polishing up the Furnishings / What’s with All the Hooks on the Wall?
Rituals and Signals—First Softcore Sex Story with Brad and Corey / Rituals and Signals—First Hardcore Sex Story with Bruce and Joaquin / Sending Signals / Words / Looks / Gestures / Laughter / Clothing / Things / Sex in Clothing—Second Hardcore Sex Story with Bruce and Joaquin
The Eye of the Beholder / Shadow Play—Second Softcore Sex Story with Brad and Corey / Through the Looking Glass / Seeing the Light / A Touch of Passion / Scratch Me, Bite Me! / Interiors / Going Deeper / Slippery Games—Third Hardcore Sex Story with Bruce and Joaquin / Take a Sniff! / Follow Your Nose / Passing the Smell Test / What Does Sex Taste Like? / Lickety Split—Third Softcore Sex Story with Brad and Corey / Can You Hear Who’s Coming? / The Listening Game—Fourth Hardcore Sex Story with Bruce and Joaquin / Switching Gears
Movement and Standstill / Nailing it—Fourth Softcore Sex Story with Brad and Corey / Men and Movement / Men at Rest / Accessing Your Man / Men in Bags—An Interview with Olaf / Confidence and Empathy / The Other Man / Just Go for It? / Voyeurism and Exhibitionism / Live Show—Sex Story with a Foursome / Dominant or Submissive? / Devotion or Submission? / Convincing or Dominant? / At His Mercy—An Interview with Herrmeistersir / Role-Play / Social Studies—Fifth Softcore Sex Story with Brad and Corey / Pleasure and Pain / The Path of Pain / Experiencing Pain / Brotherly Pain / Ballgame—Fifth Hardcore Sex Story with Bruce and Joaquin / Body and Soul—An Interview with Fred / Between Beasts and Gods / Four Steps to Nirvana? / Do Me Quickly / Do Me Right / Do Me Fancy / Do Me Completely (and Utterly)
The secret of happiness is freedom and the secret of freedom is courage.—Pericles of Athens
Men are amazing. Sex is amazing. Sex with men, from brief quickies to entire sex marathons, is incredibly amazing. It is a well-known fact that time does not determine quality, for sometimes the memory of a brief encounter will linger on forever in our minds and loins. From time to time, I find it difficult to analyze the quality, as I quite frequently have no idea why one encounter feels more intense to me than another. However, sometimes I can pinpoint exactly why the sex was so good. The following guide is about this kind of good sex. I wish I had good sex more of the time, but at least I have an idea of how it ought to be and what it needs to include: the right combination of respect and selfishness, movement and standstill, dominance and submission, pleasure and pain, concentration and ecstasy. Sticking it in is still one of high points, but you should also try out other sensations, too—after all, in adult gay sex, anything enjoyable goes. A wider repertoire can be applied with equal success during a quickie with an unknown but incredibly hot guy if the right signals are sent and received clearly—and that’s a learning process!—but it will work out even better with a man you already know, for trust is an important key to carrying out the more complicated and intense sex games, just as important as understanding and accepting rules. Just like real life.
This guide is meant not so much for specialists of particular fields such as bondage or S&M, but rather for anyone interested in playing with variations, for gay men who are sexually active with their partners or in the scene and would like to spice up their sex lives. It is even less suitable for prudes. May they play with their dicks in peace and quiet until they finally find eternal rest. This is for men, young and old, who are really into men—from head to toe! Your willingness to savor the length and breadth of passion between men should be driven by more than curiosity. You should be really into it!
I’m assuming you’ve picked this book up out of curiosity as to whether you might be tempted by the occasional scenario suggested here. If your sex life has given no cause for complaints up to now, so much the better. Subjecting yourself to pressure (for example, the idea that you need to be better than the competition) should not be the reason for reading this book.
The suggestions you will find in this book are examples and have not always been followed to completion, as sex never follows a pre-written script. I’ve included a couple of short sex stories here and there to demonstrate the practical application of the respective chapters and hopefully to whet your appetite. Over the course of reading, you will get to know the two couples featured here. They will certainly offer lots of suggestions on how to continue the stories and to create your own variations using your imagination. As you’ve all had—or would like to have—your own exciting and unusual fantasies, I would be delighted if you felt like sharing any anecdotes or suggestions for improving any of the chapters with me, care of the publisher, Bruno Gmünder Verlag. After all, there’s room for improvement in my sex life, too!
Our real and virtual worlds can cater to nearly every fantasy—all you need is the appropriate place or media. Putting too much pressure on yourself can drive you insane. But in my experience, one single intense encounter can make you so much happier than a hundred insignificant fucks, so why all the pressure? Once you’ve stepped out of the numbers race, you can kick back and wait for your next opportunity. Your own comfort is more important than any film, book, or story that tries to make you believe in the perfect and everlasting orgasm. I’ve nothing against blowing off steam by indulging in the occasional no-strings-attached sex, though. If you have better sex with yourself than with another man, those aren’t grounds for resignation, but after reading this book you will hopefully be inspired to find out once more how sex with a man tastes!
Good sex works best if the liberties you take are in harmony with your conscience. Great sex and a guilty conscience are not compatible. Before you pass judgment on your own fantasies or those of your partner, you might want to ask yourself why. Upbringing, moral values, health risks, fears—all of these may affect whether or not you can enjoy the sex you want without regret. Guilt is a terrible erotic stimulus. Once you are aware of and have accepted your own sexuality, only then can you transfer your own pleasure to your partner. Only then will you really be able to enjoy sex. The more cheerfully you act out your sexuality, the easier it will be to sweep your partner along.
Really good sex isn’t mass-produced, it’s an exquisite experience. It has nothing to do with the everyday fare you eat to satisfy your hunger—that’s why it should be experienced in reasonable doses. But you should treat yourself to a proper helping once in a while!
Greed is completely inappropriate here. Enjoyment takes priority. Practice the art of limitation: Just lie back and feel every kiss, every fuck, every blow of the whip. Each one of these can be an incredible experience. You are under no obligation to work your way through the entire range—that is not an indication of quality. Feeling hungry is enough to turn sex into really good sex, although a whetted appetite will usually do it, too.
While we’re on the subject: if your stomach is full, your body will be occupied with matters other than sexual challenges. Feeling full can place a burden on passion. Add to that the fact that some of your orifices might be needed something other than evacuation. If you’re full to the brim at both ends, accidents can happen that will kill the mood. If sex is in the cards, it’s best to tighten your belt. So, don’t stuff yourself—eat sensibly, eat something that will increase your sense of well-being instead. This can become part of prepping your body for some action. Fruit, a steak, carbs, seafood, a milkshake? Every body has its own particular combination that makes it feel good. If you want to approach your inner animal in spirit, eating raw meat—for example, carpaccio or raw fish—counts as a legitimate way of doing it. Bon appétit!
Consciously savoring sex with another man is even more enjoyable if you plan it first. It’s like preparing a really good dinner: planning, shopping, cooking. And then eating it! Of course, the question is: Are you both ordering from the same menu?
Any sexual fantasy that comes to mind should first be approached conceptually. The easiest way of finding out whether or not something you haven’t done yet turns you on is by playing it out by yourself—that is to say, while jerking off. So whenever you’re in the middle of a solo session, try letting a fantasy you’ve been entertaining for a long (or short) while approach. You’ll find out soon enough whether it heightens or impedes your arousal. Even if a fantasy turns you on now, that does not necessarily mean you need to put it into practice. But it’s conceivable. As long as it’s legal, you can confidently go about bringing it to fruition.
No matter how innocent or dirty your fantasy may be, there is no need to be alarmed by it. I can guarantee that you are not the only person to have entertained something of the kind during a randy moment. Men like to be heroes but, as you may have noticed during the course of your life, they also like to be pigs. They have incredibly dirty thoughts. Be assured: The man you’re currently getting busy with—or are about to—has depths that are just as abysmal as your own! That comes with the territory of being a man. And you’re no exception. There’s no need to feign shame! That’s the great thing about being gay. Welcome to a man’s world! You can get quite an accurate impression of this world by watching a straight porno. Those guys fuck with a helping of selfishness that’s miles away from shamefaced insecurity. They don’t seem to be at all worried about whether their partners like them or what their partners are feeling at the moment, and they aren’t even interested in finding out. So, they just kick off or lie back and let themselves be serviced. Shouldn’t sex between men be even less complicated?
As a gay man, you should be familiar with your partner’s bodily setup—after all, he’s a man, too. Both men ought to be able celebrate what they have in common—that’s way more fun than looking for the differences. So, why not act fearlessly, rather than inhibit yourself with the faulty assumption that you are having sex with an unknown entity?
Sex can only be really hot once you accept that things can be beautifully uncomplicated when you’re both playing at the same level. Then you can start getting down and dirty. We may wish to be gods, but our animalistic side is a much greater source of happiness, passion, and pleasure. People—not just men—are simply animals. We tiptoe around our sexual needs, afraid to plumb those depths that might, in another context, be unappetizing. Slipping into that noble pelt, diving into the depths of carnal lust will ground you and give you the strength to soar.
Drop your inhibitions and live your dreams! You can do it quickly, at a moment’s notice, or gradually, slowly, and carefully, as if stalking your prey. The important thing is the desire to do it!
There are a couple of basic conditions for a happy and successful sexual adventure. One important rule is that sex should be “SSC”: safe, sane, and consensual. These three words, the holy trinity of S&M, also apply to any form of sexual congress.
Sex doesn’t just cover what’s happening with your dick or your ass at a given moment, but principally what’s happening in your gut and in your head. Both your physical and mental well-being are important. Without them, you won’t really enjoy shooting your load.
Safe refers not only to the rules of safe sex, reformulated here in our chapter on Safer Sex, but also to overall physical, mental, and emotional safety. Your partner needs to know that he can have sex with you without damage to body or soul.
Sane may sound boring, and is possibly an elastic term, but basically everyone knows what the word means.
Consensual means that both partners have to give their consent. The opposite of that is rape. If you can’t manage to entice your partner towards a particular sexual fantasy so that he actually wants to do it, you’ll have to come up with something else.
Either this book will help you find arguments to interest him in your fantasy, or it will give you some alternatives that both of you will enjoy just as much. Or possibly even more.
Now for some moralizing, for the first and only time in this book. An important requirement for using the tips and tricks listed here is respect for your partner and for yourself. If your sex life is such that you can’t look at yourself in the mirror after at least one out of three tricks, then something is very wrong. Even if you’re crawling out of the darkroom or your bedroom on all fours, your moral self has to remain upright, otherwise it will break you down. What turns you on or not doesn’t depend on the external action, but rather on the internal stance you take, no matter whether you’re into humiliation, degradation, anonymity, or pain. As long as you can pleasurably incorporate it into your sex life, it’s all good. That doesn’t mean you have to go along with everything. If you feel like a stranger to yourself afterwards, if you’re sad or distraught over a longer period of time, then it’s high time to rethink your sex life. Above all: Don’t let anyone violate your personal integrity and don’t violate any else’s! However rough and dirty you want to play, there has to be enough time and the opportunity to regain your balance, during or after sex, on your own or as a couple. You don’t have to understand or accept everything that happens, but you must never lose sight of your mutual respect, otherwise you’ll have to say good-bye to your dreams of good sex.
Even if the sex isn’t going too well or there’s an accident, you can still treat each other with respect. There is no need to be rude if your partner wants to do something you don’t understand or want. If you have learned to grasp and accept yourself as a unique individual, you can also concede to the other guy’s uniqueness and difference.
If you get the feeling that your sex partner is an asshole who doesn’t respect you or if you don’t respect him, then hands off! There are plenty of other men you can have sex with!
Whenever a couple on a TV show has problems in bed, a friend or professional counselor always advises the affected party to “Try wearing the—alternately—red, black, or short dress! That will really turn him on!” If it were only that easy! I don’t think it’s enough to just hit the right button in order to suddenly have incredibly hot sex with the same partner you’ve just been letting off steam with up till now. Men are—thank God!—complex beings. Let’s say you have piss-related fantasies. So far, you’ve never brought this up with your boyfriend, never even hinted at them. Besides the fact that our fantasies are linked to various types of men—the skinhead, the rascal, the cutie, the slut—your guy will always be the man you first consciously or unconsciously saw him as. You don’t want to be pissed on by him, even in a red garter belt. (Especially not in a red garter belt!) Then you’re going to have to either forget about this fantasy (after all, there are more important things than piss), or else try it out with someone else. You might not have any trouble carrying out your golden shower fantasies with another man. You can’t have every kind of sex with every man. But after all, this is about having good sex, not about acting out a specific fantasy. If the two coincide, so much the better! So, it’s not about finding the right man, but rather about doing the right thing with the man you’re with at the moment, provided that you want to do it with him, of course. That should be enough. If you decide right now that you want to have really good sex, you can do that.
Men are so full of surprises and so exciting that fixating on a single fraction of them is a pointless waste, a self-imposed loss. The guy you’re currently involved with has heaps of secrets for you to discover, even if you’ve known him for years. If you’re having sex, there has to be some intimacy between you—not just physical closeness, but also the willingness to open up to each other mentally. Intimacy creates a framework for getting to know your partner’s sexuality anew, or once again, but from a different perspective. Blessed are those who are able to shift their focus and come up with new ideas to get closer to their partners again and again. You don’t necessary have to get physical right away. After all, sex takes place mainly inside your head. His thoughts and your thoughts are important—every kiss, every touch can summon up mental images to stimulate both of you sexually. You can exchange them, whisper them, or show them to each other. The path towards good sex has to be taken together—it involves a combination of leading, stopping, waiting, and following. Sending signals is important—these are your signposts. If your partner doesn’t understand your signals, you can’t have good sex with him. Good communication is key here. More on that in the upcoming chapters.
Sex with strangers can be an incredibly joyless affair. But an encounter with a perfect stranger can also all of a sudden make you step outside boundaries you have never crossed before, whether with your previous partner or with anyone else. Every gay man has access to plenty of guys and opportunities for experimentation—these can all be found in the customary places and media. As long as you stick to the ground rules (see above: respect!), you can generally rule out doing any lasting harm by experimenting. If you are seriously interested in certain sexual practices and the opportunity arises or catches you off-guard—go for it! Don’t worry, your reputation won’t be damaged by one small foray into an exotic sexual practice. Even if your little adventure does make the gossip rounds, in the world of gay erotica it will be just an anecdote at best—so what? It’s better than waiting forever and then being annoyed with yourself for not having tried it out before. You don’t know this guy, you don’t know the slightest thing about him, he is merely the instrument of your lust. So help yourself! If you want something specific from him, there are plenty of ways to show him.
If you want to experience great sex, you have to sweep your partner off his feet or let yourself be swept away. That’s the great thing about spontaneous sex, you don’t get the chance to deliberate. You go out, take things as they come, and boom! You’re swept off your feet! But what if you’re planning on having sex?
If you’re not comfortable with yourself, cheerful sex is going to be hard to accomplish. It’s a bit much to expect your partner to change your mood for you. But you really want sex now? If you’ve made up your mind to step up to the sexual stage even though you’re not feeling too great, you should first try and improve your mood.
If it’s just a passing state of mind you’re aware of but don’t want it to stop you from hooking up with someone, you’ll probably know one or two ways of getting yourself in the right mood. In any case, you should try to alleviate your stress in order for it to clear a space for anticipation, so that it can grow and let desire lead your spirits back on the right track.
If your mind is already on track, you need to make your body follow. It isn’t easy to be happy with your own body, at least for most of us, especially if you’re letting some dumb mirror set the standard. But since you already know how to pay attention to another man’s sexiness, there’s no need for harsh criticism. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how fat or how thin, it matters how you present yourself. Your personality is what counts. What do you want? Show what you want, as best you can! If you don’t express yourself, you won’t get what you want.
This applies just as much to sex as to real life: The more you’re aware of the relationship between the makeup, the costume, and your lines, the better you will be able to play your role, and the more successful the play will be.
That doesn’t mean you have to renounce your personality and pretend to be someone you’re not—on the contrary: be yourself! Apart from the teeming chaos created by the innumerable characters of the millions of people around you and farther afield, every single one of them also has widely different temperaments and characteristics. All kind of men see all kinds of other men as hot. The important thing is to show who and what you are and what you want. You may find a dress code on how to send out the right sexual signals helpful (see Sending Signals—Sex and Clothing).