Introduction
Dating makes everybody feel like a dummy, whether you’re 15 or 115, going out on your first date or rejoining the dating scene after your grandkids have started dating. “It’s still the same old story” — as sung by Dooley Wilson (or as you probably know him, Sam) in Casablanca — “a search for love and glory,” and there really are some fundamental things that do apply. I lay them all out for you, not so that you can be a stud muffin or the hottest kid on the block, but so that you can understand a bit more about yourself, your date to be, and the whole process. Then maybe the old palms will sweat less, and believe it or not, you may actually have some fun.
After all, dating should be fun. It’s not like your whole life or livelihood depends on one date or several dates. The purpose of dating is simple: getting to know someone and letting that person get to know you so that you can decide whether you’re interested in spending any more time together. Nothing more, nothing less. Put aside the notion that you’re looking for a mate or a one-night stand or someone to please your mom. You’re just dating so that you can get to know somebody a bit and let him or her get to know you.
So what are the ironclad follow-these-steps-and-you’ll-never-fail, step-on-a-crack-and-you’ll-break-your-mother’s-back rules of dating? They don’t exist. There are some guidelines, suggestions, and observations, but this whole experience is a bit free form since you’re unique and so is everyone you’ll ever date. So this book is about helping you understand who you are and what you want — some commonly held assumptions, traits, and perils that will allow you to be exactly the person you are. That way, if you’re having fun and your date is having fun, you’re going to want to do it again.
So why such sweaty palms if this is supposed to be fun? Men and women have been getting together for thousands of years after all. No, it’s not because you’re the nerd of the universe and everybody else is way cool. It’s because the way people date — their expectations and assumptions and goals — have changed with the times.
Adam and Eve were the original blind date (and we know who fixed them up). It’s been a lot rockier ever since (ever wonder who Cain and Abel dated?). In the caves, dating was mostly about who had the biggest club (no, not that club) and could carry off the choice woman. I don’t think flowers and candy played a very big part. A few eons passed, and we moved from caves and plains to hamlets to villages to towns to cities, and our courting rituals evolved, but still dating really wasn’t allowed. Marriages were arranged by families for political and economic reasons. Not only did women have no say, but neither did the men.
Today, not only do we get to pick who we want to marry (at least in this country), but we get to audition them, which brings us to dating. In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part). Not only has dating gotten complicated (women can ask guys out), but mating has gotten really complicated as well. And then there’s romance, truly the plague of the 21st century. Romance has made expectations completely unrealistic.
With dating, we’re talking individual style — you and your little quirks, which are going to change over time and from person to person, at least a bit. You’re going to be a slightly different soul depending on whether you’re going out with somebody you met at a bus stop, your best friend’s little sister, or your mom’s law partner’s nephew. So don’t go for somebody else’s style. If you’re determined to mimic your incredibly cool friend, adapt the moves to your style and your partner. The key is to stay light on your feet, be willing to improvise, and believe down to the bottom of your shapely toes that your style is the one that’s right for you. (And if it hasn’t worked so well in the past, this book can help you figure out why and what you need to do to fine-tune your style so that you’re cookin’.)
Before you find yourself hyperventilating over the prospect of dating, remember that there is no single, right way to date or to ask somebody out. And there is no such thing as a perfect experience that will make someone fall madly and passionately in love with you. A date is a unicorn, an imaginary beast that is unique in every situation. But not to worry: This book helps you get it all sorted out so that you can feel like you know what you’re doing, have some sense of direction and some idea of what your date is doing and thinking, and even have some fun.
About This Book
Lots of books have been written about how to be the perfect date — how to mold yourself into a package that no one of the opposite sex will be able to resist. I want you to resist this notion strenuously. Think about it for a minute: If you pretend to be a stud muffin or a Barbie doll or a pretty woman or a man in black and that’s not the real you, and if your date likes what you’re pretending to be, you have to continue pretending endlessly or, when the real you emerges, the deal is blown. Even if you decide to be your best possible self, are you going to be able to maintain that posture endlessly? If not, when you let yourself unwind you may find your date hurt, angry, and confused about how you presented yourself initially and who you are now. The whole thing about dating is maintainability.
I wrote this book to be about real-life dating:
In this book, I tell you where to find members of the opposite sex, explain the difference between good and bad pick-up lines, give you pointers on what to wear and what to avoid, describe the perfect place to begin scouting for the perfect date and the perfect date place, and offer a lot of other information, including how much happier you’ll be if you don’t worry about the “perfect” anything. After all, a little imperfection makes the world go round.
The time frame of this book spans from the time you decide you want to date (or date smarter) until six to nine months after your first date, which is the watershed period: the time when most daters either break up, which means they go back to the beginning, or go on to couplehood. That’s a fair amount of leeway, and it depends on lots of factors that I discuss in the chapters that follow.
Dating stops when couplehood begins; relationships deal with commitment and the M word (marriage) and cheating and money and parents and babies and all that sort of stuff.
Remember: The nice thing about a date is that it’s just a date. It’s an opportunity, a time, a place, and a situation for one person to get to know another person. It’s not an invitation for sex or marriage or to meet Mom or to find someone to produce a child with or to impress your friends or to get your folks off your back or to prove that you’re not a loner. Dating is no big deal. But it can feel really, really scary because it has to do with big-ticket items: the opposite sex and rejection. Yikes! I don’t promise to take all the adrenaline out of dating ’cause that would also remove the fun, but at least I can try to smooth out some of the panic and show you why your palms are sweating and the origin of those tummy butterflies so you can enjoy the ride.
Conventions Used in This Book
The following conventions are used throughout the text to make things consistent and easy to understand:
All Web addresses appear in monofont.
New terms appear in italic and are closely followed by an easy-to-understand definition.
Bold is used to highlight the action parts of numbered steps.
What’s Not Required Reading
I’ve written this book so that you can 1) find information easily and 2) easily understand what you find. And although I’d like to believe that you want to pore over every last word between the two yellow and black covers, I actually make it easy for you to identify “skippable” material. This information is the stuff that, although interesting and related to the topic at hand, isn’t essential for you to know. (That means no pop quiz, but I did go to a lot of trouble to write it, so I hope you read every word. If you don’t, okay — sniff, sniff —whatever makes you happy.)
Text in sidebars: The sidebars are the shaded boxes that appear here and there. They share cool ideas, personal stories, and observations, but aren’t critical.
Text next to the biology icon: I went to medical school; I love mind-body connections. Realistically, technically you don’t have to read this stuff, but I love it and hope you will too.
The stuff on the copyright page: No kidding. You’ll find nothing here of interest unless you’re inexplicably enamored by legal language and Library of Congress numbers. Even I have been known to bypass this stuff after being sure my name is spelled correctly.
Assumptions about You
In writing this book, I made some assumptions about you:
You are straight, that is, heterosexual: Statistically, most people are heterosexual, and my goal is to reach the widest audience. Also, many of the issues between opposite-sex dating and same-sex dating are similar, and most are identical. If you find something that I’ve overlooked, write and tell me what works and what doesn’t for you at www.drjoy.com. You can also see current pictures of me there, find out where and when to hear or see me on the radio and television, get my take on current movies and theatre, and see if I’ve written anything new that might interest you.
You are above the age of consent: This book is a grown-up look at a subject that involves us from childhood, so in reading it, remember that when it comes to the sexual parts, I want you over the age of consent — 18, in most cases. Sex is for adult, responsible folk. If you’re a minor, read the stuff about sex as something you’re going to do someday, but not now (and when you do, take it seriously and respectfully); the rest of the stuff should be pretty useful to you now.
You are dating in the United States: Because dating customs vary widely in different parts of the world, writing a book on dating worldwide is a whole different project. As an anthropologist (yeah, I have degrees in just about everything), I, too, am fascinated by cross-cultural stuff. This book focuses on what I know best: U.S. dating customs. If you are not from the United States, consider this book as a sort of insider’s guide to American dating practices, a kind of roundabout way to see how dating in the United States works.
You are not a predator: You genuinely care about yourself as well as others and getting to know another human being in an intimate and meaningful way.
You wish this book came in a plain brown wrapper: If anybody sees you with it, you say you’re buying it for a friend or you heard my radio program and bought it for a giggle. Even my daughter has been tempted to disown me when a date sees my book in her bookcase.
How This Book Is Organized
I organized this book so that you can find information easily, whether you’re using it like a reference or reading it front to back. I’ve divided it into six parts, each part containing chapters relevant to that specific topic. In addition, I’ve included an appendix of terms and meanings because I think they’re useful but not worth a whole chapter.
Part I: The Starring Roles: Who Am I and Whom Do I Want?
Any successful dating experience starts with you; that’s why the focus in Part I is you — getting you ready to begin the glorious adventure of dating. In this part, I give you pointers on being confident, even if confidence is the last thing you feel; getting yourself ready to venture forth into the dating world; and uncovering some of the less than helpful patterns you may have fallen into so that you can be aware and active and can take more control of your behavior. Also in this part, I help you figure out whether now is a good time to begin dating or not.
If you’re new to dating, have been away from the dating scene for a while, or aren’t happy with the way your dates have been turning out lately, this part is where you want to begin. Even if you read only this part, you’ll still find tons of good information about being a happier and emotionally healthier person.
After you figure yourself out, the next item on the agenda is figuring out who you want, where you can find that person, and how you can make your approach so that you two can get together. I give you the lowdown on great places to meet a potential date and pointers on how to approach Mr. or Ms. Intriguing once you do find them.
Making the initial approach is probably one of the toughest parts of meeting someone new — will he like me? Will she turn away? Will I make a fool of myself? I share tips on what works, what doesn’t work, and how you can maneuver gracefully through the encounter, no matter how it turns out.
Part II: Setting Up the Date
You’ve met someone, you think you two click, and now you’re at the next step: setting up a date. In Part II, you can find surefire tips on how to ask for a date so that you get the answer you want or, if the answer is no, so that you can bow out gracefully with your dignity intact. I also tell you how to deal with the potentially sticky situation of getting (or giving out) a phone number, and what to look for in the place you pick for the date.
Part III: The Big Day: Preparation and Action
It’s date day. You’re probably feeling anxious, excited, hopeful, giddy, and a little queasy. This part takes you through getting ready, from the outside to the inside to the last-minute things you do. In this part, I give pointers on everything from what to wear (and what not to wear) to the things you should carry out the door with you to how you can relax and prepare yourself mentally for a great time.
In this part, I also give you the information you need to make it over the first (generally awkward) minutes of a first date: things like what to talk about and what to avoid, how to flirt, how to listen, and how to gauge how things are going by being aware of body language.
Also in this part, you can find information dealing with just about every scenario you may encounter on a first date. I cover how you can turn an ordinary date into something extraordinary and how you can turn that great time into date number two. I also give pointers on how to navigate through potentially embarrassing or awkward moments, how to end the date, how to deal with the kiss questions (do you or don’t you and how can you tell whether your date wants to, and even how to), and how to step back after it’s over and gain a sense of perspective on the evening.
Since not all dates go wonderfully, I explain how to read the signs of a date going south, and how to handle those not-so-great dates so that you come out looking like the prince or princess you are.
Part IV: The Day After and Beyond
Every date — good, bad, or indifferent — has a day after, and in this part, you can find out how to handle the next day, the next date, and everything that can potentially come after. I also list what things you need to share (and what things you must keep quiet) if your date is turning into a relationship-to-be and when you should share them. I explain the differences between casual, serious, and heavy dating, and how sex can impact the budding relationship. There are also several emphatic words to the wise about silence being golden, especially when it comes to the Internet.
If your date has turned into a relationship and things don’t seem to be working out, I explain how to read the warning signs, what you can do to try to save the relationship, and, when all else fails, how to break up without either of you falling to pieces and how to move beyond the breakup. Finally, a real danger when you’re feeling vulnerable after a breakup is rebound, so I spend a whole chapter explaining what that is and why you must avoid it.
Part V: Playing It Safe and Keeping It Fresh
This part covers how you can safeguard yourself from potentially dangerous situations, from things as obvious as letting a friend know where you’re going to less obvious things like paying attention to your intuition. Also, in this day and age, when people meet online or through dating services or the personals, knowing how to protect yourself when your first date is the first time you meet face to face is especially important. Unfortunately, a book on dating isn’t complete without information about how you can protect yourself from the slight but real risks of dating’s dark side: date rape and stalkers. And I also cover how to protect yourself from yourself in terms of the blab factor, especially when it comes to Facebook and other social network sites.
And this part isn’t just about safety; it’s also about how to keep things fresh when your date turns out to be the first step in a long-term, committed relationship. From sending flowers for no good reason to offering to go someplace that isn’t high on your must-see list, I explain how to show your ongoing appreciation for this person who has become much more than just your date.
Part VI: The Part of Tens
This part contains lists including “Ten Do’s and Don’ts of Internet Dating,” “Ten Ways to Know You’re in Love,” and more. These lists give you good information in quick, snappy bursts.
Appendix
At the end of Part VI, you find an appendix to help you translate common lines like “Can’t we just be friends?” or “You’re too good for me,” so that you can understand what is really being said.
Icons Used in This Book
I include some symbols to make it easier to whiz through the book at the speed of light or to peruse it at your leisure.
Where to Go from Here
You can read this book from front to back or treat it like a reference and hop around, reading only those sections that apply to you. If you don’t want to read through the entire book, here is a brief guide on where you can find information specific to your situation (you can also use the Table of Contents or the Index to find specific topics):
|
If You Are |
Read |
|
Young (13 to 17) |
Whole book, but ignore Chapter 17 about sex. |
|
Inexperienced (that is, have never dated, have done no serious dating, have dated fewer than three people, or have had fewer than three dates) |
Whole book, but go slow. Almost everybody feels like a dummy to start. |
|
Divorced |
During the year you are waiting to resume dating (and no dating until one full year has passed), read Part I carefully, especially Chapter 4 about figuring out who you are, what you want, what went wrong, and waiting. Also read Chapter 19 on rebound. (It’s also not a terrible idea to do some work on self, with or without a therapist.) |
|
Separated |
Don’t even think about dating. Follow the same advice for divorced (see the preceding), only more so, and memorize Chapter 19 on rebound. |
|
Unhappily married or involved |
Chapter 17, Chapter 18 on breaking up, and Chapter 19 on rebound. And don’t even think about thinking about dating yet. Work on your relationship; if it doesn’t work out, you still have to wait a year after the divorce or final breakup becomes final. |
|
Widowed |
If you’re widowed at least a year, follow the advice for divorced (see earlier item). If you’re widowed less than a year, put the book aside, hang out with friends in groups, and look at the cover once a month, but no reading until the first-year anniversary. |
|
Senior |
If all you are is older and aren’t widowed or divorced or separated, start from the beginning and just read faster. When it comes to dating, everyone is in the same boat, regardless of age, so enjoy and be willing to feel inept and young and inexperienced all over again. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe not. |
Remember, this is a reference book, not a bible. Write in the margins, underline passages, dog-ear pages, and put that cool contact paper on the front if you want.
No panicking, no whining, and no comparing. Okay. Let’s go!