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© 2013 Avy Joseph and Maggie Chapman

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Joseph, Avy.

Confidence and success with CBT : small steps to achieve your big goals with cognitive behaviour therapy / Avy Joseph and Maggie Chapman.

1 online resource.

Includes index.

Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher; resource not viewed.

ISBN 978-0-85708-347-0 (ebk) – ISBN 978-0-85708-348-7 (ebk) – ISBN 978-0-85708-349-4 (ebk) – ISBN 978-0-85708-350-0 (pbk.) 1. Cognitive therapy. 2. Psychotherapy–Methodology. I. Chapman, Maggie, 1954– II. Title.

RC489.C63

616.89'1425–dc23

2013022091

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978–0–857–08350–0 (pbk) ISBN 978–0–857–08348–7 (ebk)

ISBN 978–0–857–08349–4 (ebk) ISBN 978–0–857–08347–0 (ebk)

To our families, friends and colleagues, who support us so brilliantly.

“We are what we think; all that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts we make our world.”

Buddha

Confidence gives you the power to be able to fully focus on your goals without being anxious. This means you do not dwell on potential negative consequences but remain focused on the task at hand. You are not anxious about failure or the disapproval of others, and nor are you disturbed when you fail.

The mindset that creates confidence increases the probability of enjoyment and success. Belief in your ability to achieve a task is influenced by successful experiences that reinforce a more general sense of self-confidence. When we feel confident, we focus on achieving what we set out to do, in the present moment and in a constructive way. If we lack confidence, we may hear ourselves say, “If only I could feel more confident”, “I can't do this” or “I'm not good enough”, “I have never succeeded at anything”, “I don't think I can do it”, “I don't know how I did this” or “That was a fluke.”

Confidence arises from experience and a healthy mindset. A good example of this is when we learn to drive a car. Initially, we have little confidence in our ability, and rightly so, but as we learn and practise the new skills we become more confident in our ability to perform them. We feel uncomfortable when we start learning how to drive but with determination, a focus on the goal and repeated practice we develop a growing sense of confidence in our ability to drive.

Success is felt when we achieve the goals we set for ourselves. Success is a personal experience and it depends on what each of us wants. It is the conscious awareness that we are doing what we want to do in a self-determined way that denotes success. For some, success may be:

• A garden that produces enough not to require a visit to the supermarket.
• Living life fully enjoying each day with a sense of contentment and well-being.
• Buying a house/car.
• Being in a healthy relationship.
• £x millions in the bank account.
• An Olympic gold medal.
• Reaching a target weight.
• Securing a promotion at work.

Developing confidence and success involves identifying what you want and setting about achieving it while overcoming the obstacles as and when they occur. We have identified six key steps to help you realise your goal, whatever it may be. They are:

• Step 1: Identify what you want.
• Step 2: Gather information.
• Step 3: Set achievable goals.
• Step 4: Create a plan.
• Step 5: Take action.
• Step 6: Keep focus on the goal with feedback.

We have seen, over the years, in both our corporate and private practices many individuals who struggle with self-confidence, failure and a perception of failure, as well as a host of other issues. At the heart of the problem with confidence and success is anxiety. Anxieties can be about discomfort, failure, disapproval, uncertainty, perfectionism and so forth. Confidence and success are sabotaged by holding unhealthy beliefs.

The aim of this book is to use the cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) model to help you understand:

• The mindset required to achieve your bigger goal.
• The mindset that creates obstacles to success.
• How to overcome the obstacles by changing your beliefs.
• How to develop confidence.

First though, it is necessary to explain in more detail the basic principles of CBT and the central role that beliefs play in this model.

“It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CBT Theory

“It is not the event but the view we take of it that disturbs us.”

Epictetus

Epictetus eloquently sums up Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT looks at how we think and what we do. It takes the view that emotions, like anxiety, arise from faulty thinking. That is to say, essentially, we are largely responsible for our emotions, thoughts and behaviours.

We tend to speak in a way that suggests events, people, situations or objects can make us feel or do things. Someone could say, “Presentations make me panic.” This is clearly not the case. If this were true, everyone who did a presentation would panic. There has to be something else that provokes panic. It is called a “belief”. Therefore, it is the belief about presentations that provokes those feelings of panic and not the presentations themselves.

In the following steps, we are going to look at specific types of unhealthy beliefs that provoke unhealthy feelings, thoughts and behaviours. For example, a belief such as “I must succeed at all costs because failure would be like the end of the world for me” would provoke emotional disturbance, such as anxiety, and may lead to avoidant behaviour.

Consider the following illustration to understand this concept.

The Simple ABC Model

This simple model illustrates the basic theoretical principles of CBT and the effect our beliefs have on our feelings and behaviours. It also illustrates the principles of emotional responsibility. It reminds us that it is not the event but the belief or view we hold about the event that provokes our feelings and behaviours.

• The event at A can be something that has happened in the past or it may be happening now, or it could be something that might happen in the future. A can also be real or imagined and internal (in the form of memories or images, physical sensations or emotions) or it can be an external event.
• The B is the healthy or unhealthy belief you hold about the event at A.
• The C is the consequential responses that are provoked by the belief at B. These can take the form of emotions, thoughts, behaviours or physical symptoms.

A particular CBT psychotherapeutic model known as REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) teaches us to recognise unhealthy thinking and develop new beliefs and attitudes that lead to confidence and success. Ellis (see box) believed that we have little choice about being human so it is preferable not to put ourselves down but to remember that we have choices and alternatives. We can develop healthy beliefs to aid us in the pursuit of our goals. We can experiment, experience, learn and change what doesn't work. We can develop resilience rather than anxiety about disappointment and failures.

Understanding Unhealthy and Healthy Beliefs

We tend to transform desires, wants and preferences into rigid, dogmatic and absolute beliefs. The word “belief” means a conviction in the truth or validity of something. When beliefs are unrealistic, nonsensical and unhelpful to us, they are irrational or unhealthy. Such beliefs are at the heart of our problems with confidence.

Emotions, Thoughts, Behaviours and Physical Symptoms

You will notice from the ABC diagram that beliefs provoke consequences. These are emotions, thoughts, behaviours and physical symptoms. Since beliefs can be healthy or unhealthy, so too can their consequences.

Three Major Themes of Disturbance

Albert Ellis noted that we tend to disturb ourselves about three major themes:

• The demand to perform well or outstandingly at all times.
• The demand for others to treat us nicely, considerately or fairly at all times.
• The demand for life to be comfortable and hassle-free.

When these demands are not met, we tend to disturb ourselves. This means we feel stuck, anxious, depressed and act in self-defeating ways. Throughout this book, we will refer to these three major themes that give rise to the specific obstacles in each step. The purpose of doing this is to help you remember that essentially all of your specific unhealthy beliefs stem from these three roots.

How to Use This Book

Now that you have had an overview of CBT, it is helpful for you to understand how to use this book to get the most out of it. CBT is about changing unhealthy beliefs to healthy ones. To do this takes time, just as it takes time to learn a skill (like driving). It requires the repeated practice of new healthy beliefs stated with conviction, often while still experiencing negative emotions and discomfort until, as with all learning, it begins to feel more comfortable. The emotional change happens last and requires changes in behaviour as you determinedly apply the new healthy beliefs. Understanding alone will not create a change.

The steps that follow will take you through the six consecutive stages to identify and attain your goal, to achieve the success and confidence you desire. Each step is one small step towards your overall goal. Achieving each step is a smaller goal in its own right. With the achievement of each step, your confidence will most probably increase.

In each step, we have identified common obstacles in the form of unhealthy beliefs that sabotage the achievement of that step. There may be other obstacles that we have not discussed, of course, so there is an exercise at the end of each chapter that will help you identify any unhealthy beliefs and how to challenge them. You may find that some chapters are more relevant to your experience. For example, if you know how to set goals, maybe moving on to one of the later chapters will be more helpful to you.

Three arguments are deliberately repeated throughout the book to help you develop the habit of thinking in a helpful and progressive manner:

The way in which we change our beliefs is through repetition, in a consistent and forceful manner. Identifying your unhealthy beliefs and challenging them with these three main arguments is a key strategy in changing them. It initially feels awkward but with repetition and consistency will, eventually, become a habit and feel effortless. You will learn that the solution to changing your unhealthy belief lies in adopting a healthy belief and behaving in accordance with that healthy belief.

The last chapter will then look at what you do once you have achieved your goal and how to move forward.

The case studies we have used are fictional but informed by actual cases. We have chosen quotes to inspire and sometimes to remind you that whatever difficulties you may be experiencing others have encountered the same issues. Finally, at the end of each chapter, there are some tips to summarise what has been said, just in case you forget!

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”

Anatole France

Success is about achieving your goals, so naturally the first step towards your ultimate goal is identifying what you want. If you already know what you want then you can move to Step 2 in the next chapter; otherwise, this step is about reflecting and exploring what you want to achieve and work towards. It's important to keep in mind that this is not a time to think about what is possible or not. This step is about employing your imagination to guide you to your goal, as the initial step. You are just thinking: you are not taking action at the moment.

You may have never asked yourself the question “What do I want?” You may find yourself thinking, “I don't know. I've never really thought about it.” If you want to experience a more fulfilling life, it is helpful to think about what you want from it. Human beings are naturally goal-seeking, and thinking about what we want can bring some benefits, such as:

• You may experience a sense of control and determination over your life as you consider new possibilities.
• Your mind will be occupied with the question “What do I want to achieve?” This invokes a natural problem-solving ability.
• You may experience a sense of anticipation and excitement as you begin thinking about what you want and the changes you may want to make.

The problem for many of us is not knowing what we really want. This question can only be answered through a period of self-reflection. It is not important that we answer our questions perfectly, but it is important to attempt to answer them and to clarify them. To help consider what is worthwhile and of value to you, look at the life wheel diagram. It gives examples of some areas in life that may be significant to you. It is only a guide and you may wish to add or remove something on the wheel. For example, replace “career” with “retirement” or add “sporting achievement” or “travel”.

Start by choosing an area in your life that you might like to focus on and begin reflecting and writing a description of what it is you would like to achieve in that, and/or any other, area which interests you. There are no right or wrong choices as much will depend on where you are in your life currently: your age and personal circumstances etc. This stage is very much about exploring in a general way. As you move to the later steps, you can make what you want more focused and specific.

As you consider the different areas in your life, it is helpful to ask yourself some questions to help provoke your thought processes. Here are some general questions that may get you thinking.

• What do you enjoy?
• What do you dislike?
• What are your innate skills?
• What are your strengths?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What are the possibilities?
• Which of those possibilities are the most mouth-watering?
• Which do you like most?

Sometimes, it can also be helpful to consider the things you definitely know you do not want in your life before you consider what you do want.

As you begin to decide what area of your life you wish to focus on, you can begin to make your questions more specific to that area. For example, if you want to focus on your career, you could ask yourself some of the following questions.

• Am I happy with my current career?
• What career would I like to pursue?
• Is further training helpful?
• Is retraining a good idea?
• Do I want to travel in my job?
• Do I want to work abroad?
• What do I really like doing?

Keep reflecting and exploring and begin to rule out what you don't want to do until you have identified what you really do want to do.

It is important to remember to apply yourself to this step and take time on a regular basis to think about the question. It is often very helpful to write down the questions and answers when you find them. You can also keep a list of ideas, adding to it as more come into your mind. Taking action – in this instance by writing questions, answers and ideas down – demonstrates a commitment to your desire for change. There is no recommended time to take on this step. The key to success at this stage is to identify what you want, feel excited or passionate about it. Do not set yourself a time limit. This step is creating a vision or aspiration; the steps that follow will guide you to achieving it. For the moment, do not spend time thinking about how this is going to happen. This is the time for what questions. You will begin to know when you are on the right track when you begin to get that sense of anticipation about a particular idea.

Once you have identified what it is you want and desire in your life, you can begin to make it happen by gathering information. When you begin to take action, you begin to experience success, which leads to increased feelings of confidence, which in turn leads to more success.