It is difficult to discover what are the exact sources from which spring the thrilling feelings of joy and satisfaction with which we look back to the days of our early youth, and to the scenes in which our infancy was passed. It matters not, or at least very little, what are the pleasures to which we have addicted ourselves in after years, what are the delights that surround us, what are the enjoyments which Heaven has cast upon our lot. Whenever the mind, either as a voluntary act or from accidental associations, recalls, by the art of memory, the period of childhood, and the things which surrounded it, there comes over us a general gladdening sensation of pure and simple joys which we never taste again at any time of life. It must be, at least in part, that the delights of those days were framed in innocence and ignorance of evil, and that he who declared that of such as little children consisted the kingdom of heaven, has allotted to the babes of this world, in the brightness of their innocence, joys similar to those of the world beyond--joys that never cloy, and that leave no regret. What though some mortal tears will mix with those delights; what though the flesh must suffer, and the evil one will tempt; yet the allotted pleasures have a zest which not even novelty alone can give, and an imperishable purity in their nature which makes their remembrance sweeter than the fruition of other joys, and speaks their origin from heaven.
I love to dwell upon such memories, and to find likenesses for them in the course, the aspect, and the productions of the earth itself. I see the same sweetness and the same simplicity pervading the youth of all nature; and find in the sweet violet, the blue-eyed child of spring, an image of those early joys, pure, soft, and calm, and full of an odour that lasts upon the sense more than that of any other flower.
Thus it is, I suppose, and for these causes, that, in looking back upon the days of my youth, though those days were not as happy and as bright as they are to many people, I feel a sweet satisfaction which I knew not at the actual time; for those hours--as one who gives a diamond to a child--bestowed upon me a gift the value of which I knew not till many a year had passed away.
My first recollections refer to the period when I was about seven or eight years old, and to a sweet spot in the far south of France called Blancford, not far from the great city of Bordeaux. The chateau in which I dwelt had belonged for ages to my ancestors, and the little room in one of the turrets which was assigned to me, looked towards the setting sun over manifold beautiful green slopes and wooded banks, with now and then a broken, cliffy bit of yellow ground, that harmonized beautifully and richly with the warm tints of the spring and the autumn, and broke not less pleasantly the thick green of the mid year. Upon those banks, and trees, and slopes, the sunshine seemed to dwell with peculiar fondness; and thither came the bright and smiling showers of spring, and the rich, vision-like lights and shades of autumn. Gay hawking parties, and many a splendid cavalcade from the rich and important town in the neighbourhood, diversified the scenery during the bright part of the year, and towards the winter-time the beasts of the forest and the field used to resume their dwelling in the neighbouring woods, and afford sport and diversion to the inhabitants of the castle.
As I have said, that chateau had been for centuries the dwelling-place of my ancestors, ever since, indeed, the arm of Du Guesclin and the wisdom of Charles had expelled the English from the shores of France; but still that chateau was not mine, nor ever likely to be mine; for I was at that time a poor dependant upon the bounty of others, without wealth, rank, station, or fortune of any kind to give hope to my heart or energy to my effort.
The lord of that castle, my poor father's first cousin, had taken me out of compassion to his relation, a poor soldier of fortune, who married thoughtlessly and died young; and as he himself, a lover of pleasure--even of license, at the time he took me into his house, thought only of marriage as a remote evil, he treated me at first with so much kindness, that the foolish persons who surrounded us imagined that a time might come when I should be his heir. Nothing, indeed, was farther from his thoughts. He had always determined, and still held the resolution of wedding ultimately, in the hope of seeing his possessions descend to children of his own.
The accomplishment of this purpose was hastened by accidental circumstances, which placed it in his power to marry a beautiful and wealthy bride, whom he brought home to the chateau in great pomp, and the festivities which followed her arrival are among the first events which I distinctly remember.
Surrounded by friends, and with scarcely a wish ungratified, he might well consider himself a rich and happy man in the possession of one so fair as she was. But beauty was not the only quality which she brought to make him happy, nor riches the only dowry that was settled upon her head. Never did I see any one who combined more graces of person with more fine qualities of the heart; never any one who more merited the love of every one who approached her.
It was evident that she had heard of me before she came, and she greeted me with a warm and kindly smile, which went direct to my heart. She gazed upon me at the same time with a look of deep interest and scrutinizing inquiry, as if she thought to read my character in my face, or to divine what were the feelings with which I met her. Heaven knows that I had no feelings but those of sincere joy. I entertained not the slightest idea that her coming, could have any evil effect upon my fate; that it would in the least change my destiny or affect my happiness. Of course, I was utterly ignorant of such things at that period; the joy that was around me found a ready echo in a heart naturally joyous, and I laughed, and danced, and sang with the rest, more unthinking of the morrow than the bird upon the wing.
If the fair lady of Blancford gazed at me when first she came, my cousin's eyes rested upon me many a time when he saw me so gay and happy. I know not what it was, but it seemed as if my happiness displeased him. I have since learned to know that in the human heart there is often a great difference between remorse and repentance; and that, when we have done a fellow-creature wrong, when we have pained, injured, aggrieved--ay, even when we only entertain the purpose of doing so, we hate that being on account of the very arts for which we should hate ourselves. I do not mean to say that my cousin had injured me by his marriage, for surely he had a right to wed where and when he thought fit. But I am inclined to believe, from facts which I heard afterward, that the first germe of harsh and unkind feelings towards me was produced by a conviction that he had treated me with greater kindness and distinction than he afterward intended to keep up, and that it was his duty to make a provision for me, against which his inclination struggled.
There were other matters, of which I may have to speak hereafter, which increased and perpetuated such feelings. He could not but recollect that, before the death of my father, he had been liberal of promises and generous in words; he had told him that he would breed me up for a soldier; that he would take care that I should have the means of advancing myself; and now, perhaps, his intentions were changed. If they were not, they certainly became so after a short time.
He was, at that period, a gay and gallant man of about five or six-and-thirty years of age, handsome in appearance, specious in manners and words, with no traces of profligate life in his language or appearance, and very well fitted to gain and keep the love of any young heart not thoroughly versed in the ways of mankind. Although his marriage, as most marriages were at that time, had been arranged entirely by the relations of the lady, without any reference to her wishes, yet there is no doubt that she married him with a heart free from other attachments, and even prepossessed in his favour. From such feelings, of course, attachment easily sprung up; and, had he merited it, love, deep, devoted, heartfelt, unchanging love, would indubitably have followed. But alas! he did not deserve it; he took not the means to obtain it; and though the attachment remained, that attachment was mingled with sadness and perhaps with bitterness, and grave melancholy trod fast upon the steps of feasting and merriment.
For my own part, I was of a cheerful and happy disposition, a little fanciful perhaps, and somewhat wild; somewhat fond, occasionally, of solitary wandering and deep thought; but at other periods light and gay as a butterfly. Thus, then, I felt not, scarcely perceived, indeed, that the demeanour of the general servants and retainers of my cousin's house was at all changed towards me; although it was so changed from the very first day of his marriage. But, had it been changed ten times as much; had they treated me with neglect, or scorn, or contemptible malice, the pain would have been more than compensated by the love and tenderness of that sweet lady, and by the constant care she showed me.
She first it was who recollected that, born of noble birth, and connected with many of the great and proud of the land, it was needful that I should hate the common education and accomplishments of the day; and she argued that, if I were poor and penniless as her husband said, and required to make a name and fortune for myself, it was but the more necessary that, by the cultivation of my mind, even in an extraordinary degree, I should be provided with the means of accomplishing the more difficult task that was allotted to me. My strength of body and an eager, active spirit had already rendered me familiar with manly exercises in far greater degree than most youths of my age could boast of. But my mind was totally uncultivated. I could ride wild horses that many a man could not manage; I could fence as well as my little strength allowed me; my aim with the arquebus was true and firm; I know not the time when I could not swim; and my cousin's pages, though considerably older than myself, were unable to compete with me in leaping or pitching the bar. But could neither write nor read, and knew nothing of books or of the world, but by occasional words which I had heard spoken and treasured up in my memory.
No sooner did she find that this was the case, than she herself became my instructress; and oh how kindly did she teach me, day after day, with unwearied patience; her fingers playing with the curls of my hair, and her eyes often bent thoughtfully upon me, as if she were calculating with some melancholy my future destiny and her own. Perhaps I was stupid, perhaps I was by nature inattentive; but the love, the deep love that I felt towards her, made me exert every energy of my mind to give her pleasure and to make her task easy; and, though the undertaking must have been dull, and my progress slow at first, yet she always seemed well satisfied, and cheered me on with words of bright encouragement.
A time soon came, however, when her instructions became somewhat painful to her; apparently there was a languor in her eyes and in her tone, which seemed to me strange; and, without being told to do so, I spoke in a lower tone of voice, I paid more attention to everything she said, I avoided everything that could disturb or trouble her. It seemed to me that she was ill, and nature taught me how to act under such circumstances.
At length, one day, she said to me, "I must give over teaching you for a time, Henry, but good Monsieur la Tour will take the task till I can follow it again." And she put me under the charge of the minister of our little village, or rather, indeed, of the chateau, a good man as ever lived, who had always shown himself fond of me, and who now followed up, with zeal and kindness, that which she had so kindly and generously begun. The whole family, and every one in the immediate neighbourhood, were, as is well known, of the Reformed religion, and my cousin, the Baron de Blancford, was at that time absent with the Protestant army.
Shortly after, however, he returned, sent for, I believe, to be present at the birth of his first child, and great anxiety manifested itself in the household for several days. Fears were entertained for the safety of the lady, and great precautions taken; but at length I heard that the baroness had given birth to a child, and that she herself was proceeding favourably. With my heart full of joy and satisfaction, I ran to congratulate my cousin, thinking that there could be nothing but similar feelings in his own heart. He pushed me angrily away from him, however, exclaiming, "You fool, it is only a girl!"
Not understanding what he meant, or comprehending in the slightest degree why the birth of a girl should give him less satisfaction than if a son had been born, I ran to the room of Monsieur la Tour, and told him what had happened; and then it was, for the first time, that I was made to understand how great was the difference made by the customs of the world between two classes of beings naturally equal. A vague idea, too, of my own circumstances was also communicated to my mind, and from that time the change which had taken place, and which daily increased, in the deportment of my cousin's servants towards me, was marked, understood, and felt painfully. Two days after the birth of his daughter the baron again left the chateau, but he remained long enough to make me feel most bitterly that I was no longer the boy that he had sported with and loved in former years.
The lady soon recovered, and resumed her care of me without a change. She loved to have me with her; she loved to see me play with her infant; and, as month after month proceeded, the child's affection for me grew stronger and more strong, till there was none but her mother that she loved so well.
About a year and a half afterward a son was born; and then another; and from the birth of the first I found that I was no longer an object of consideration to any one except to the good clergyman, whose affection towards me seemed to increase as that of others diminished, and to the sweet lady, who never for a moment, in her love and care for others, forgot her love and care for me. A change had come over the whole household, however; the lover had long been forgotten in the husband, the husband had been forgotten in the man of pleasure. Whenever any short cessation of hostilities permitted him to visit the capital, it was in Paris that the Lord of Blancford's time was wholly spent, and at other periods his days were passed in the pleasures of other great towns, afar from the family which required his care and direction, and from the wife whose love he had cast away.
On her part, she showed not the slightest inclination to depart from his expressed wish that she would remain at the chateau of Blancford. She loved not great cities; she sought not to indemnify herself for her husband's neglect by following the same evil course in which he led: she enjoyed fully and entirely the pleasures of rural life, and found in the duties of a mother the greatest consolation and delight. Once in the course of the month, perhaps, she visited Bordeaux with the state becoming her rank and station, called upon some of the chief ladies of the city, and returned home after having remained there but a few hours. Very frequently, on these occasions, I accompanied her, and the kindness with which she mentioned me to all who were really good and estimable, seemed to bespeak for me their future protection and regard, although she never even hinted at such an object.
I was her companion almost always in her walks, too; and from her conversation I daily gained information upon subjects with which otherwise, most probably, I should never have been acquainted; for she took a delight in forming and expanding my mind, and, while she endeavoured to instil principles even more than knowledge, she illustrated for me the lessons she gave by facts and examples which often drew her on to farther explanations, and which certainly remained in my memory, storing it with much that was curious, interesting, and beautiful. Thus there was scarcely a circumstance which ever happened to me in after life which did not cause me to recollect some example from her instruction which might teach me to know the right from the wrong, to choose the good from the bad, or to return from the evil, when I had been led into wrong, by the shortest and most expeditious way.
In short, though she often fell into fits of musing, she seldom lost an opportunity of giving my mind improvement. If I fixed upon a wild flower, she told me its nature and its qualities; if I watched a passing cloud, she explained to me how sweet and beneficial to the earth's surface are the light vapours that float gently over it, descending in light rain to render everything fertile and productive; and she would explain to me, as well as she could, what were the beneficial effects produced by winds and storms that seemed to my imagination tremendous, pointing still to the all-powerful hand of Providence, shaping still the events of this world with never-erring wisdom directing never-failing might.
From her conversation, from her train of thought, my mind took the peculiar turn which it ever after retained; and even to the present day, after scenes of peril, and danger, and activity; after having gained, by sad experience, knowledge of the world, and become hackneyed and keen in the wisdom of the earth, many of the words that she spoke to me, many of the counsels that she gave, come back upon my ear in all the fresh sweetness of the tones in which it was originally spoken, and I feel myself better, happier, more contented, when thus dwell with her for a moment in the wide tracts of memory, than I do when fulfilling any of the ordinary duties of my state and station.
What she herself could not do to improve my mind the good priest did; he applied himself to teach me sciences; to read other languages than my own, both dead and living; to argue by rule; to write my native language with accuracy; to calculate arithmetically; and to do all, in short, that he himself could do, which was more, perhaps, than my after fate required. It was some years, of course, ere I gained much facility in everything, but ere four years had passed after my cousin's marriage I had become quite a different being. The formidable obstacles that await us at the entrance of every science had given way, and during the following year, which was the fourteenth of my age, I made greater progress than I had done in any other. I had now acquired a taste for the poetry which had descended to us from other days; and from that high and ennobling source I drank long, deep draughts of pure and unmingled delight. I found, too, that there were works of infinite value, full of fancy and of wit, full of instruction and amusement, in other languages besides either French, or Greek, or Latin; and, almost unaided--for my good preceptor knew little of that tongue himself--I made myself a tolerable master of the Italian language, and felt like one who has suddenly discovered a treasure when the works of Dante and Boccaccio, and the newer poems of Tasso, fell into my hands.
Nevertheless, I did not in any degree neglect the usual exercises of which I had formerly been fond. There were always a number of old military retainers about the house, who were willing and eager to teach me everything that could be taught in the profession to which they had devoted themselves. I did not, it is true, follow any study with great regularity, but I followed all and each with eagerness, and zeal, and devotion.
When the baroness could give me up any of her time, she was always the first I sought, and then the good minister La Tour. But he had many duties to perform, and, during the rest of the day, every sport of the field that was going on I followed with eagerness; every instruction I could get in military exercises I sought continually, and listened with deep and profound attention to all that the old officers or soldiers could tell me of discipline and of tactics, or to their tales of terrible sieges, well-fought fields, and marvellous escapes. I was one of the best of listeners; and, flattered by the attention that I paid them, they were always willing to amuse or to instruct me. The courtyard of the castle became the mimic field of battle, the walls the sisterus, the stables the fortifications of a besieged city; and everything that was at hand was pressed into our service, either as the animate or inanimate materials of war. All the tales that they told me were delightful to me, but more especially so were those in which my father's name was introduced, and when I heard deep regrets expressed for his early death, and praises of the promise that he had displayed as a soldier and a commander.
In the mean while, the greater part of the servants and retainers of the household treated me completely as the poor dependant; the little services I required were neglected; any direction that I gave was heard in silence, or replied to with contemptuous lightness; and, in order as far as possible to keep myself from the irritation of petty insolence, I was obliged to avoid all communication with the domestics of the chateau.
In the presence of their mistress, indeed, the servants dared not behave in such a manner, and when her eye was on them they showed me every sort of reverence and respect; once also I remember her rebuking one of the grooms for neglecting my horse, speaking to him in a manner so severe, as to work a permanent change in his conduct, and in some degree to affect his companions.
These slight inconveniences, however, did not in the least depress my spirit or keep down my gayety. Youth's buoyant and happy blood beat in every limb, my heart was light, my cheerfulness unchecked; and, though I learned when any one neglected me to punish by a cutting word, yet it was always done with light and happy gayety, and forgotten almost as soon as it was spoken, at least by myself.
Thus years rolled on, and during the frequent and long-continued absence of my cousin, his children learned to love me with a strong affection; and, taking a model from the domestic circle of a neighbouring family, my imagination pictured for me a future fate like that of a person whom I frequently beheld situated in very similar circumstances. He was at this time a man well advanced in life, and, like me, the cousin of the lord of the castle. But he had gained considerable renown in arms. The father of the family, who was now withheld from active service by the effects of severe wounds, confided to him the leading of his retainers; the children clung to him with reverence and affection; and the two eldest were, even at that very time, trying their first arms under the sword of their veteran cousin. He possessed no property, he sought none; but he lived with people who reverenced and loved him: he had his own honoured seat by the hall fire; his tales were listened to and sought for with delight by all, and his counsel or assistance was asked by the father when any matter of real danger or difficulty arose, by the elder sons in the mysteries of the chase or the mew, and by the younger children in any of the small sorrows or difficulties which were to them as important as wars or sieges.
I fancied myself, I say, like him; winning renown in arms, gaining a station by my own deeds, and seeing the young beings that I loved so tenderly as babes, grow up round me as round an elder brother.
But oh, how vainly, how youthfully did I calculate! My cousin, when he returned to the castle after any of his long absences, had now become harsh and stern. Me he treated with utter neglect and coldness; he saw me dine at his table without addressing a word to me; he met me without any kind gratulation: he heard me wish him joy of his return with scarcely an answering word. When he looked at me it was coldly; and I could not but feel that I was a burden to him.
When I was about fifteen years of age, he one morning took the pains to ask what progress I had made in my studies. The question was addressed to Monsieur la Tour, but in my presence. The clergyman replied with high praise; higher, I believe, than I deserved; and the baron's reply was, "Don't you think you can contrive to make a priest of him, La Tour?"
My blood boiled, I confess, but my cousin turned away without waiting for any reply, having satisfied himself that, by the question he had asked and the suggestion he had made, he quite fulfilled his duty towards me, at least for the time.
I thought, however, of the days when I had sat upon his knee, and when he had said that he would make a little hero of me: that I should be a Bayard or a Du Guesclin.
He was absent after that visit for more than two years; and there were tales reached the chateau of some fair dame in the capital who withheld the baron from his wife, his children, and his duties, and kept him in bonds stronger than the green withes of Delilah.
The health of the baroness had for some time been declining; she had now been married ten years, and of that period she had known a few months perhaps of visionary happiness, two or three years of calm, unmurmuring tranquillity, and six or seven of anguish and sorrow. Her little girl, Louisa, was now nine years of age, the image of her mother in everything--features, complexion, disposition; there was the difference, of course, between the woman and the child, but still there was the same small, taper hand, the same beautiful foot, the same brilliant complexion, the same open, clear forehead, the same thoughtful but ingenuous smile. She was with her mother constantly or with me, and it was she who even at that age first discovered the progress of illness in the being she best loved, and pointed out to me the flushed cheek, the bright and glittering eye, the pale lips, and the features daily becoming sharp.
"Do you not think, Henry," she said to me one day, "That mamma looks ill?" And then she went on to say in what particular it appeared to her that it was so, showing that she had watched her mother's countenance in a way most strange for a child of her age.
When my attention was thus called to the subject, I remarked the change also, and I and Louisa used to watch with care and anxiety the progress of disease. We neither of us knew, we neither of us fully comprehended to what it all tended. It was not exactly fear that we entertained, but it was grief; we grieved to see her suffer, we grieved to see the languor and weakness that crept over her frame.
At length the baron returned, but his return contributed very little to the restoration of his wife's health. He brought with him many gay and riotous companions; the castle was filled with revelry and merriment: he was absent at the chase or in the city during the greater part of each day; and the night went down in songs, and mirth, and drinking. He soon went away again to the capital, and his wife continued withering slowly, like a flower, whose day of brightness is over.
Such was the course of events for some years till I reached the age of twenty, when the health of the baroness so completely and rapidly gave way, that messengers were sent off in all haste to call her husband to the side of her deathbed. He came, and, though he came unwillingly, yet he was evidently pained and struck at the sight of the ruin and decay which he now beheld. He was gloomy and sorrowful, and it might be some consolation to his dying wife to find that, when all was irrevocable, and neither tears nor regrets could recall the past, he mourned for the approaching loss of one whose worth he had not sufficiently estimated, and felt feelings of affection towards her which he had not known till it was too late.
The Lady of Blancford died, and the grief of all, good and bad alike, followed her to the grave; for there was a sweetness, and a gentleness, and a kindness in her nature which touched the heart even of the selfish and the vicious, and made them mourn for her as soon as her virtues were no longer a living reproach to their errors.
At the time of her death, her daughter and eldest child was little more than twelve years old, the two boys somewhat younger than eleven and ten; and well might the father, when he looked round upon their young faces, feel that his hearth was left desolate: well might he regret, in the bitterness of his heart, that he had not sufficiently valued the blessing he had possessed.
That he felt such sensations I am perfectly sure, but he felt them with a degree of sullenness as well as sorrow. Conscience lashed him, but he bore its chastisement with obdurate pride, and murmured at the smart.
I did not see him for several days after the funeral of his wife, and, indeed, since his return he had taken scarcely any notice of me, seeming not even to see me. But, soon after, I saw his eyes fix upon me, from time to time, with a dull and frowning aspect; and to bear such cold unkindness had by this time become a burden to me, which I was resolved to cast off. The one whom, of all others, I had loved best from my early days, was now gone; and, though I loved all her children, and especially Louisa, who now clung to me as her only prop and stay in her overpowering grief for her mother, yet I felt that I could not endure any longer the proud coldness of my cousin, since the tie between him and me, which his wife's care and tenderness had afforded, was broken for ever.
"I have at least my father's sword," I thought; "With that he gained his living, and with it will I gain mine."
But there was much to be thought of, there was much to be done. "What course," I asked myself, "shall I choose what plans shall I pursue?" And much I meditated even these matters, but meditated always alone: for there was none whom I could consult, none in whom I could confide. To Monsieur la Tour, who loved me as his own son, I would not speak of the matter at all, for I knew that he would oppose my going; and my cousin himself, of course, I did not choose to consult; for the proud air of contempt with which he had long treated me, made me feel that his advice could not be such as I could follow without pain; and any assistance that he offered could only be an indignity to receive. I was utterly ignorant of the world, and of the world's ways; and though, perhaps, I was not deficient in natural acuteness, yet life was to me an unknown country, full of thick woods and tangled paths, without a map to show me the road or a guide to direct my footsteps aright.
Although it was now the winter-time, and the sere leaves had fallen from the trees, leaving the woods thin and naked, yet it was in the forest which came near to the chateau that I loved to take my way and dream of my future prospects.
An event, however, occurred one day, which deranged all these plans for the time, and suspended their execution for more than two years. I had gone out, as usual, on foot, and wandered a considerable way into the wood, when suddenly, as I was walking up and down, gazing upon the icy bondage of the stream, and the feathery frost upon the rushes and other water plants, I heard what seemed a loud but distant cry of distress.
It struck me instantly that the voice was a familiar one; and, crossing the stream, I rushed on like lightning to the spot whence it seemed to proceed. There I found the eldest of my cousin's sons, Charles, a noble and high-spirited, but somewhat weakly boy, thrown down upon the ground by an immense wolf, whose fangs were fixed in his shoulder. The animal, it seems, had sprung at his throat, and knocked him down by the force of its attack; but, even in falling, the boy, with noble presence of mind, had struck the animal with his dagger, and prevented it from taking the fatal grasp which it sought, and which certainly would have terminated his existence before I arrived.
A loud shout which I gave as I came up, to scare the beast as fast as possible from his prey, made the wolf instantly turn upon me, with its peculiar, fierce, low howl. I had been accustomed, however, to hunt such beasts in these woods for many years; and, as he rushed upon me, I struck him a violent blow with my sword across the eyes, which almost blinded him, and dashed him down to my feet at once. But, mad with hunger and pain, the beast, even in falling, seized my leg in his fangs, and never let go his hold till he was quite dead. I killed and threw him off as quickly as possible; and then, running to my young cousin, carried him home to the castle without the pause of a moment, although the wound I had received in my leg was extremely painful, and the blood marked my track all the way to the gates.
The boy was but little hurt, and from his wound no serious consequence arose; mine also was of little importance, though it left me lame for several weeks. My cousin, however, on the following morning, thought fit to thank me for the service I had rendered his son; and at the same time he presented me with some trinkets and jewels, which, he said, his wife had requested might be given to me, as remembrances of her. There was much coldness and constraint in his manner while he spoke, and the purpose which I had entertained for some time now broke forth.
"My lord," I said, "I thank you for these things, which I shall always keep and value highly in memory of one from whom I have never received anything but benefits and kindness."
The baron was turning away, but I added, "Stay, my lord; I have yet more to say. It is not often that I trouble you with words, and now shall not make them very lengthy."
The baron turned round towards me with evident surprise at my tone and manner, and with some sternness, but without the slightest touch of scorn, demanding, "What is it you wish to say?"
"Merely this, sir," I replied; "I have been somewhat too long a burden to you. I am now more than twenty years of age, and ought probably to have done before what I intend to do now, namely, seek my own fortunes, and endeavour to provide for my own necessities, without remaining dependant upon any one. I am perfectly competent, I believe, in every respect, to gain my bread as my father did his. I ask nothing of you in any shape; and only now seek to inform you that I will leave the chateau to-morrow, with many thanks for the shelter and bread you have afforded me."
I never in my life beheld the countenance of my cousin express so much surprise. I saw him waver for a moment, as if he were going to turn and leave me with contempt; but the grief he had lately suffered, the chastening sight of death, and the service which I had rendered to his son, gave to a better spirit than that which usually actuated him the predominance for a moment; and, turning round, with a look both mournful and reproachful, he said,
"No, Henry, no; do not leave the poor children now. If not for my sake, for their mother's memory, stay with them still for a while. La Tour will also be with you and with them. But he is growing aged, his health is feeble, his life insecure; my own life, God knows when it may end; and while I am obliged to be absent, and before I have determined what to do with them, I would fain have some kindred blood near. On my return from Paris, which will not be very long, you shall be free to do as you please, and I will promote your views to the utmost of my power."
He spoke with a tone of command which I might have been inclined to resist, had there not been mingled with it a certain degree of confidence and kindness, the value of which was certainly enhanced not a little by its rarity. I made no reply; indeed, I had not time; for, taking it for granted that I acquiesced, he quitted me immediately.
A long conversation ensued between him and Monsieur la Tour, in which he arranged everything regarding the maintenance of his family during his absence, and the proper regulation of the chateau. A portion of the rents were ordered to be paid to the pastor for the expenses of the house; and the worthy man promised never to quit the family for more than one day. My cousin spoke of me too, I found; and, according to Monsieur la Tour's representation, spoke with some kindness. I am inclined to believe, however, that the minister's representations were the cause of his acting towards me ere he quitted the chateau, I may say more wisely, as well as more kindly, than he had previously done.
The regulation of all expenses was confided to the clergyman; he received and he paid for everything. But a portion, though a small one, of the sum allowed, was ordered to be given into my hands, to be employed for my own purposes, and for any military repairs or arrangements that I might think required in the castle. Two servants, at my choice, were to be considered as my own especial attendants; and the baron himself announced to the retainer's assembled in the public hall, that, in case of peril or attack, from the tide of war rolling in that direction, the supreme command of all things was to rest with me during his absence.
No sooner had these arrangements been made, than he himself set out again for Paris, promising to return at the end of six months; and leaving an old and faithful attendant of his dead wife as in some sort the governess of his daughter.
The affection which the baroness had always entertained towards me, had communicated itself to the good old servant I have mentioned, Donine le Mery; and she declared, after the baron was gone, that the greatest consolations she could receive after the death of her mistress were, first, the promise of her lord that she should remain ever with Mademoiselle Louise, and next to see me have the command of the castle. Whatever she sought, whatever she wished for, the good soubrette came to me to seek it; and if Louise herself had been inclined to cling to me with all a sister's affection before her mother's death, she was now ten times more disposed to do so, when she had no other companion to whom she could pour forth undisguised all her feelings and all her thoughts. Her brothers, younger than herself in age, were still younger in mind; and her good attendant, though the best of all creatures, was too far below her in education to permit of any interchange of thought between them.
To me, therefore, the poor girl turned with the full confidence of childhood and unbounded affection. I was the companion of her walks, and of her rides, and of her solitary hours. I remembered her as an infant; I had seen her grow up day by day under my eyes; time seemed to make no difference; she was still a mere child in my sight. I looked upon her as a dear but far younger sister; and I never found that either I myself or any one else could dream there was a possibility that such a change could take place in her feelings or in mine which could be dangerous to the one or to the other.
The end of the six months came, but the baron returned not, and he did not even hint in his letters that such an event was likely to take place. He said that he had been delayed by various circumstances; that the arrangements he had made in regard to the chateau must continue in force till his coming; but he mentioned no period of return, and, in truth, was once more entangled in the meshes of that net, from which he had only been withdrawn for a time by the couriers which had summoned him to his wife's deathbed.
In the mean time the days passed away happily enough. I had gained importance in the eyes of all around me; deference and attention were paid to me by the attendants; and, had I not been disturbed by the frequent thought that the best season of my life was passing away; that the days of youth were flying by in inactivity, when I felt myself formed for action, I could have been well contented there, in the society of that sweet girl to whom I was all in all; and of two generous and high-spirited boys, who loved me with all the strength and energy of youthful affection.
A year passed, and the baron came not. Louise was now growing up towards womanhood; the warm blush mantled more deeply on her cheek; her eye gained a brighter lustre; her lip acquired a warmer red; her mind, too, expanded every hour, as if to keep pace with that fair form, which was each day acquiring additional beauty.
As she wandered along beside me, her conversation was more imaginative, more full of deep thought; and we talked over a thousand things in which fancy and feeling linked our thoughts together, so as to remain inseparable for ever. There was thus formed for me a store of ideas, in regard to which I have since felt--alas! how painfully--that they could never be mentioned, that they could never be alluded to in the slightest manner, without calling up in my bosom the thought of her, of her words, of her looks, of scenes long past, and of departed happiness. Nor, indeed, could it be otherwise with her. We created, in fact, for ourselves, a world of magic aspirations; a straight and even pathway, on which fancy, guided by memory, ran back like lightning from the present to the past.
We talked of her mother and of the days gone by, and we recalled all her sweetness, and her beauty, and her tenderness towards us both; and more than once we mingled our tears together, when we recollected all that she had done to win and merit love, and that the eternal barrier had fallen between us and her, shutting us out from all communication with the loved and the departed. We talked of the future and of the world--the wide, unknown world open before us both. She spoke of it herself with awe and shuddering, as if she foresaw and would have shrunk from the griefs, and cares, and anxieties before her. Often, also, we would have recourse to dreams to chase away apprehensions; she would inquire of me what the great capital was like; and when she found I could in no degree satisfy her, she would apply to fancy, and build up an enchanted city from the gay things of her own imagination.
The bright and glorious universe, too, afforded to both of us a thousand schemes for speculation; other lands would rise up before the mind's eye, clothed with brightness not their own; and when I spoke of Italy or Spain, the vast and beautiful creations of art, a climate of sunshine, a soil of fertility, and a courteous and friendly people, such as I had read in the vague or overcharged accounts of travellers, her countenance would glow brightly, her young eye sparkle, and she would wish to be a journeyer through such scenes with people who could love them or admire them like herself.
Frequently, in our ramblings, her brothers would accompany us, and during a great part of the morning I was constantly with them, acting in some degree the part of their preceptor, or taking a share in those instructions which were communicated to them by masters from the capital of Guienne. They loved me well, too; and, on looking back to that time, I can recollect no one feeling in my own bosom--I cannot believe that there was any one in the bosoms of those who surrounded me--the natural tendency of which was calculated to give a moment's pain to any one of the small but united party which then tenanted the chateau of Blancford.
Such was the state of all things till Louise reached the age of fifteen; and I feel confident that I could have gone on with the same feelings towards her perfectly unchanged, and looking upon her merely as a sister, had not other events intervened which soon separated us from each other.
At this point may be said to end the period of my early life, which--like an old picture, painted at first in vivid colours, soon loses the brightness of its hues, becomes mellower but less distinct to the eye, then grows gray and dim, and then is almost obscured altogether--has now greatly faded away from memory, though the impressions were then as bright and vivid as perhaps any that I have received since.
Two days before the period at which Louise concluded her fifteenth year, messengers from her father, whom they left at no greater distance than Barbesieux, announced his sudden return. His letter contained merely intelligence of the fact, that he would be at the chateau of Blancford at supper-time on the ensuing day. I shall not easily forget the anxiety with which we all waited his appearance, the messenger having informed us of more than the letter that he bore, namely, that the baron had wedded another bride, whom he was now bringing home from the capital, where she had remained, while the wife of another, somewhat too long for her own honour, for the baron's reputation, and for the peace of a husband whom she speedily ceased to mourn.
Hitherto I have given but a general view of all that passed during my early years, but I must now give a more minute account of the event that followed; for, from the day in which my cousin's new bride set her foot within those doors, my fate underwent a greater change than any to which it had yet been subject.
It may well be believed that we counted the minutes as the evening of the second day went by. Every one there present felt that there was a book to be opened before them that night, on the pages of which the future destiny of all was more or less distinctly written. The two boys felt it much, but they felt it with some sort of eagerness, and some anticipations of pleasure. Old Monsieur la Tour looked grave and thoughtful, as well he might; for he was the only one there present who was fully aware of the character and previous history of the person about to be added to the domestic circle at Blancford. I had heard something, indeed, but not all; but, to counterbalance any painful reflections, I had the prospect before me of entering upon a new and more active course of being, and fulfilling the destinies to which the spirit within my bosom called me.
The person who felt the most on the occasion was Louise de Blancford; and nobody could doubt that--though a portion of the happiness of every one there present was in some way to be affected--it was her whole fate, peace, comfort, and tranquillity which then trembled in the balance. The boys would soon naturally seek the tented field, or plunge into the occupations of the city or the court; but she was to remain alone, with the happiness of every moment in the hands and at the disposal of another.
She was at that time as beautiful as a young rose, with a countenance upon which all the emotions of her pure heart traced themselves in an instant as they arose in her bosom; and I could see her eye turn towards me from time to time with an anxious and inquiring glance, which showed me at once the feelings that were going on within, and told me all she would have asked, although no words were spoken. I did my best to comfort her, and to raise up hope of bright and happy things. Perhaps I did so hypocritically; but surely it was pardonable, when I found that cheerful moments were passing away, perhaps for ever, to give her as many as I could till the power of so doing was absolutely taken from me.
It was a bright and beautiful summer's evening; and going out upon the sloping hill which was crowned by the castle, we looked in the direction where we expected to see the cavalcade appear, and watched anxiously for the first spear-head rising above the distant trees.
We waited long, however; the sun descended to the horizon in splendour; the whole sky was rosy with his light; the very air itself seemed to be filled with purple rays; and the woods, and villages, and towers around were all steeped in the same rich and glowing hue. It seemed to speak of hope and bright days to come; and yet, though we were all young, and under the soft guardianship of kind inexperience, our hearts refused to receive the colouring of the bright scene without, and the sweetness of the evening seemed rather to make us more melancholy than to raise our expectations.
The sun went down slowly; the distant lines of the country assumed the most intense blue; the last rays of the setting orb poured through hollow way in the deep masses of the forest, and caught upon a large piece of water at the foot of the hill, rendering one part like a sea of liquid gold, while the other remained shadowed by a wood as black as night. The moon, too, was coming up in the western sky, together with a single star, so pure, so soft, so full of pale light, that it seemed like a drop fallen from the eyes of the departing sun.