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Steven J. Stein, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and CEO of Multi-Health Systems (MHS), a leading international test publishing company. He is a previous chair of the Psychology Foundation of Canada and has been president of the Ontario Psychological Association. Dr. Stein is a former assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto and was an adjunct professor in the Department of Psychology at York University in Toronto.

Dr. Stein co-authored (with Dr. Howard Book) the international best-seller The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success (Jossey-Bass) and is the author of Make Your Workplace Great: The 7 Keys to an Emotionally Intelligent Organization (Jossey-Bass).

A leading expert on psychological assessment and emotional intelligence, he has consulted to military and government agencies, including the Canadian Forces; U.S. Air Force, Army, and Navy; special units of the Pentagon; and the FBI Academy; as well as corporate organizations, including American Express, Air Canada, Canyon Ranch, Coca-Cola (Mexico), Canadian Imperial Bank of Canada (CIBC), and professional sports teams.

He has appeared on over 100 TV and radio shows throughout Canada and the United States. He has also been quoted in numerous newspapers, magazines, and blogs.

Dr. Stein has shared information on emotional intelligence with audiences throughout Canada, the United States, Mexico, Europe, Australia, and Asia. You can reach him for speaking engagements via e-mail at ceo@mhs.com.

I must admit, I never thought I’d write a For Dummies book about emotional intelligence (EI). Although Emotional Intelligence For Dummies is my third book on the topic, it’s my first that applies EI beyond the world of work to home, family, friends, and strangers.

When I got involved in this area of study almost 15 years ago, the most frequent question I was asked, especially by the media, was how long this fad would last. My answer was that as long as there was more than one person in the world, and she or he had to interact with someone else, emotional intelligence would be important.

I want to thank all the people at Wiley that encouraged me to write this book. First, my previous (and ongoing) editor at Wiley, Don Loney, for introducing me to the idea of a For Dummies book. Once I learned more about the nature of this series, I was convinced that this was a great way to spread the word about EI. Many thanks to my editor on this book, Robert Hickey, for patiently keeping me on track and gently educating me on how a For Dummies book needs to be written. And many thanks to my developmental editor, Colleen Totz Diamond, for all her suggestions and support, and making sure the words flowed. Thanks to my copy editor, Laura Miller, and project manager, Elizabeth McCurdy — and, of course, the publicity and marketing people who’ll help make this book a success.

My appreciation also goes to all the wonderful and dedicated people at Multi-Health Systems. Because of their talents and the emotionally intelligent workplace created there, I have the time to embark on projects such as this book.

Of course, many thanks go to my wife Rodeen, for all her support and tolerating all the time I spent on this project, and to my children Alana and Lauren.

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our online registration form located at . For other comments, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax 317-572-4002.

Foreword

When you boil it down, emotional intelligence is the idea that emotions are useful; they are important sources of information. Emotions help us solve problems, and they guide our social interactions. And, importantly, some people harness the wisdom of emotions better than others.

So, who are these emotionally intelligent people? They are individuals you know, and you might be one yourself. If you are the kind of person who is skilled at reading emotions in another person’s face or interpreting your feelings, if you are a person who can put your feelings into words, if you are a person who manages your emotions effectively and helps others to do the same, and if you are a person who uses your emotions to think clearly about something or as clues to what might be going on in social situations, well then, you are likely someone who is emotionally intelligent. And, if you are not so sure whether you are this kind of person, perhaps this book will help you to learn these skills.

In 1990, when John D. Mayer and I published the first scientific article describing a theory of emotional intelligence in the journal Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, we weren’t sure anyone would find the idea that people differ in their abilities to identify emotions, understand these feelings, manage emotions, and use them to guide thinking and action all that interesting or persuasive. We were wrong. Today, in the spring of 2009, while writing this foreword, I typed the phrase emotional intelligence into the Google search engine, and it yielded more than three million hits. Interest in emotional intelligence has exploded, and we know a few things now that we didn’t know two decades ago.

First, we know that you can measure emotional intelligence, and the author of this book, Steven Stein, is chief executive officer of the company that publishes assessment tools in this area of psychology, including a test we developed called the MSCEIT. Second, we know that high scores on the MSCEIT and other measures of emotional intelligence are related to psychological health, effectiveness at work, and fulfilling social relationships. And third, we know that people can learn how to improve these skills in many different ways. For example, our colleague Marc Brackett has developed and tested school curricula that help children learn emotional intelligence (and do better in school).

These conclusions make Dr. Stein’s book especially timely. We know a lot more about emotional intelligence than we did 20 years ago, and he has synthesized this knowledge and presented it here for you in a very engaging and easily grasped way.

However, reading about emotional intelligence isn’t enough. It won’t make you more emotionally intelligent overnight. I strongly encourage you to engage in the exercises described by Dr. Stein in this book and look for other ways to hone your emotional skills — perhaps by reading great literature, becoming more committed to the arts, or simply spending more time observing other people and reflecting on your own abilities, motives, and behaviors. Once you become aware of the skills involved in being a more emotionally intelligent individual, “people watching” will never quite be the same.

There are no guarantees, of course, but I suspect Emotional Intelligence For Dummies will motivate you to adopt a broader view of what it means to be smart, and you will find yourself further developing the emotional skills that allow you to lead a more satisfying life.

Peter Salovey, PhD
Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology
Yale University

Introduction

Emotional intelligence — it sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? Just like jumbo shrimp. People tend to think of others as either emotional or intelligent, but not both. So, just what is emotional intelligence? And why are you hearing about it only now?

Emotional intelligence has a lot to do with being intelligent about your emotions. It involves the ability to recognize your own emotions as well as the emotions of other people. It includes understanding emotions. It also has to do with how you manage your emotions and how you manage other people’s emotions.

Psychologists have known about many of the concepts behind emotional intelligence for years — decades, even. But the knowledge has been scattered, not really well organized or clearly formulated. When two psychologists — John (Jack) Mayer from the University of New Hampshire and Peter Salovey from Yale University — put together a theory that looks at both intelligence and emotions in 1989, the idea of emotional intelligence really started to take shape.

The first scientific paper on the topic was published in 1990. Since that time, millions of copies of books have been sold about it. A number of psychologists, including our own team at Multi-Health Systems (MHS), as well as groups at Yale University, Rutgers University, the Centre for Creative Leadership, and others, have carried out a great deal of research that looks at the impact of emotional intelligence at work, in families, with children, and basically anywhere that people interact with each other.

Organizations have used the information researchers have discovered about emotional intelligence to select and develop their employees and to produce better leaders; schools have used it to create more harmonious relationships among students; and it has been used with families to improve relationships. I hope an understanding of emotional intelligence can benefit you, too. It can help mean the difference between success and failure in many of the things you do.

About Emotional Intelligence For Dummies

What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? Does it really matter? What can you do about your or your children’s emotional intelligence? Or, for that matter, can you do anything to better manage the emotions of your relatives or friends? You can explore these questions, and many others, in Emotional Intelligence For Dummies.

The purpose of this book is to provide you with a clear understanding of what emotional intelligence is about. Emotional intelligence is still a new area of study, and you can already find a combination of folklore and science mixed together through the initial exuberance of the media on this topic. I cover some of the science that explains emotional intelligence, but I go carefully beyond the science by expanding on some of those scientific findings.

Here’s some of the information that you can find in this book:

The most common definitions of emotional intelligence

Information about the most validated tests or measures of emotional intelligence

Interesting ways to think about your own emotional intelligence, as well as the emotional intelligence of people around you

Strategies to improve your and others’ emotional intelligence

The importance of emotional intelligence at home, at work or school, with friends, and when dealing with strangers

One of the differences between obtaining traditional knowledge and figuring out how to improve your emotional intelligence is the importance of active participation. Although you can find out about many subjects passively through lectures and reading, you need to be more active to get a grip on emotional intelligence. Reading this book can help you take the first step towards improving your EQ (Emotional Quotient). You also have to do some of the exercises and activities in this book to make a real difference in your ability to identify, understand, use, and manage your emotions.

Foolish Assumptions

I wrote this book making a few assumptions about you. I assume that you’re a pretty well adjusted human being who wants to improve yourself and possibly some of the people around you. You’ve probably read books about or experienced self-development programs before. You may not have felt completely satisfied with some of these books, tapes, lectures, or Web sites.

You probably want to know what makes people tick. You may have come across people who surprised you with some of their behaviors. You may have wondered why some people who seem to be very smart in many ways have done some pretty foolish and self-defeating things; or you may want to know why some people are overly disrespectful of others. Getting the scoop on emotional intelligence may help you put together some pieces in this puzzle.

Conventions Used in This Book

I wrote this book (with the help of my editor, of course) in the For Dummies style, which makes the information that it contains easily accessible to almost anyone. I avoid using technical language or professional jargon as much as possible. When I do use technical terms, I define them for you.

I include a number of stories that can help make the discussions more real for you. Many of these stories are based on real incidents, or composites of situations and people I’ve known, but I’ve changed the names and circumstances to protect confidentiality.

If you really want to get the most out of this book, get a spiral bound notebook. Use that notebook to carry out the exercises and activities that I present throughout the book. Use your notebook often and reread what you’ve written from time to time to remind you of your progress and set forth your next set of goals.

What You Don’t Have to Read

You don’t have to read Emotional Intelligence For Dummies chapter by chapter, and you don’t have to read all the sections in any particular chapter. However, I do recommend that you read Chapter 1, which gives you a basic idea about the meaning of emotional intelligence and how you can benefit from developing it. If your goal is to change someone else’s behavior (not your own), then you should probably get that person to read the first chapter as well.

You can use the table of contents and the index to find the information that you need and to quickly get answers to your most pressing questions about emotional intelligence. Each part deals with a particular area in which you can apply emotional intelligence. So, if you’re interested in work issues or parenting applications, for example, you can quickly skip to those areas.

How This Book Is Organized

Emotional Intelligence For Dummies is divided into five parts. Here’s a description of what you can find in each part.

Part I: There’s a New Kind of Intelligence in Town

Part I provides an introduction to the idea of emotional intelligence. It explores what emotional intelligence is (and what it isn’t), and it begins to give you some insight into how an emotionally intelligent person operates. You can read about the benefits of developing your own emotional intelligence and that of those around you.

This part also looks at some of the ways emotional intelligence can apply to your life. I give you exercises and activities that can help improve your emotional intelligence. After you follow these activities, you may start to notice a difference in your relationships with other people.

Part II: The Essentials of Emotional Intelligence

In Part II, you can get to the essence of emotional intelligence and what it can mean for you.

I start with the science behind emotional intelligence. Although emotional intelligence is still a new area of study, the field has grown from one published scientific paper in 1990 to over 750 scientific papers in reviewed journals as of the time of this writing. Also, psychologists and graduate students have conducted hundreds of research presentations and have written articles for other research-oriented publications. The number of articles just keeps growing, which demonstrates that this is a legitimate area of study that’s here to stay.

In this part, you can find out a bit about the parts of the brain that are involved in helping you manage your emotions. Then, I address some of the differences between emotional intelligence, personality, and cognitive intelligence.

You can read about the importance of emotional self-awareness — one of the key components of emotional intelligence. I include some exercises that can help you improve your self-awareness, and you can use what you figure out to better manage your emotions. These skills can help you be more in charge of how you feel.

Another essential component of emotional intelligence is empathy. You find out all about what empathy is, why it’s important, and how you can improve it. Empathy is a skill that really differentiates the high performers when it comes to being emotionally intelligent. Finally, you can have more control over the emotions of other people with whom you deal. Your ability to influence others can help you better manage people you’re close to, as well as complete strangers, even during times of stress.

Part III: Taking Emotional Intelligence to Work

You don’t leave your emotional brain at home when you arrive at work. Emotions have a tremendous impact in the workplace. You may encounter difficult people and situations at work, and using your emotional intelligence can help you navigate through these experiences. I show you how to use your emotional intelligence when dealing with a bullying boss, obnoxious co-workers, and disrespectful subordinates.

I also explore the relationship between emotional intelligence and star performers at work. Understanding the importance of emotional intelligence and how you fit the job can help you figure out how you can go beyond personality and IQ in getting the right person in the right job. You can also find out how to deal more effectively with people at work.

This part deals with the relationship between emotional intelligence and leadership. Leaders — meaning anyone who has to get one or more people to follow her — need to be emotionally intelligent. You can learn how to develop the most important leadership skills related to emotional intelligence in this part.

I also talk about the emotionally intelligent workplace. How do you know whether you have one? How do you go about creating one? You can find answers to these questions and others in this part, as well.

Many parents have asked me about the importance of emotional intelligence in helping their kids get through college. A number of researchers and psychologists have done a great deal of research in this area, and you can read about some of it in this part.

Part IV: Using Emotional Intelligence at Home

How are your personal relationships? This part starts out by focusing on your closest or most intimate relationships, such as those with your spouse, intimate partner, or best friend. You confide in or bond with these people the most, out of all your relationships. Maintaining and nurturing these relationships often requires conscious effort. I provide you with steps and tools that you can use to build and enhance these relationships.

This part explains how you can be an emotionally intelligent parent, as well. How well do you manage your emotions when you deal with your children? This part shows you ways that you can improve your self-control, even when your child or teenager seems to get out of hand.

How do you raise an emotionally intelligent child? Everyone wants their children to succeed in life, and you know that, although IQ and ability are important, your child’s emotional skills are every bit as important in his success. This part gives you some suggestions and examples that may be helpful when dealing with your children.

Part V: The Part of Tens

The Part of Tens is a feature of all For Dummies books. In Emotional Intelligence For Dummies, you can find quick lists that give you advice on how to improve your emotional intelligence, how to help difficult people you know with their emotional intelligence, and how to make the world a more emotionally intelligent place.

Icons Used in This Book

A unique and incredibly useful feature of all For Dummies books is the inclusion of helpful icons that point you in the direction of valuable information, tips, and tricks.

This icon points out helpful information that’s likely to benefit your emotional intelligence.

The Remember icon marks a fact that’s interesting and useful — something that you might want to remember for later use.

This icon highlights a danger, telling you to pay attention and proceed with caution.

The Activity icon indicates an exercise that you may want to carry out. Get a spiral bound notebook in which you can record your activities.

This icon indicates technical information, sometimes referred to as psychobabble. I try not to use too much of this language, but for purposes or accuracy, I sometimes need to. You can skip the sections marked with the Technical Stuff icon, although you may find them interesting.

Where to Go from Here

You can read this book in any way you choose. Although I recommend starting with the first part, each chapter stands on its own and can help you better understand, improve, and use your emotional intelligence. If you want to get started working on your own emotional intelligence, go right to Chapter 3. Then, move on to Chapters 5, 6, and 7. If you have concerns about someone in your life and you want to change her behavior, go to Chapter 8.

If you read this book through in its entirety and still want to go further in developing your emotional intelligence, you may want to contact a professional who’s trained in this area. If you’re looking for a professional trained in emotional intelligence assessment or coaching, contact us at eifordummies@mhs.com.

Emotional Intelligence For Dummies®

Emotional Intelligence For Dummies^®