Third Edition
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Copyright © 2015 by B. Kim Barnes. All rights reserved.
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Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is Available:
ISBN 978-1-119-07158-7 (paperback)
ISBN 978-1-119-07170-9 (ePDF)
ISBN 978-1-119-07149-5 (ePub)
Cover Design: Wiley
Cover Illustration courtesy of B. Kim Barnes
This book is dedicated to Abigail, Elizabeth, Emily, and Isaac—the next generation of influencers.
Influencing is something everyone needs to be able to do, but it requires a set of skills and understandings that is rarely taught explicitly. Since 1994, when we introduced our “influence fitness” program, Exercising Influence: Building Relationships and Getting Results, participants have asked for a book that they can read for further development. This book, as its name implies, is intended to be a practical guide to developing effective influencing skills independent of the seminar.
The book provides a means for reflecting on your current approach to influencing others, as well as examples, insights, tools, and skill practice opportunities that will help you to become a more effective influencer. You will develop a greater appreciation for the many opportunities you have daily to make your life and work more satisfying and meaningful through influential communication. You can use this book in several ways:
The material in this book is divided into three parts. The first part, Exercising Influence, focuses on developing the skills and understanding required to be an effective influencer. The second part, Planning for Influence, provides practical advice on preparing for, implementing, and reviewing an actual influence opportunity. The third part, Special Issues in Influence, explores important issues that arise in the process of exercising your influence, as well as special applications of influence skills. Each of the short chapters within the sections covers an area that is relevant to influencing in all aspects of life. The remainder of the book includes appendixes with supplementary material.
In this book, I have used several metaphors that offer parallels to this complex topic. Developing influence skills is like fitness training, the planning process is like preparing for a safari, and the actual experience of influencing is like improvisational theater. The process of becoming an effective influencer is a lifelong journey. To help guide us on this journey, I have selected some quotations from Ralph Waldo Emerson, whose wisdom and good sense speak to us across 180 years. Emerson's essays, most of them written in the 1830s and 1840s, are especially full of relevant observations and advice of value to those of us interested in building relationships and getting results through influence. In an 1844 essay, Emerson wrote, “This is that which we call character—a reserved force which acts directly by presence, and without means.” That is as good a definition of the power of influence as we are likely to find.
I'd like to express my deep gratitude to those who have influenced and supported me in completing this third edition of Exercising Influence.
To my colleagues and partners at Barnes & Conti and our global affiliates—my deep appreciation for keeping the ideas and practices in the program and the book alive, fresh, and developing for all these years we have worked together. I'm grateful for your talent, commitment, and creativity every day.
To my writing group—in particular, to Bev Scott and Jan Schmuckler—many thanks for your help in shaping the new chapters. Your willingness to challenge my thinking and suggest resources was enormously helpful.
To the editors and other staff at John Wiley & Sons for making this as easy as it could be—your magic act of keeping a respectful distance, while being there when I needed something, helped this to come together faster than I thought possible.
To the thousands of people around the globe who have attended Exercising InfluenceTM workshops and put what they've learned into practice, your feedback and the gift of knowing about some of the great ideas you've moved into action inspire me every day.
And finally, to my family—especially to the other writers, daughters Heather Davis and Tamara Raetz, and my dear partner and husband, Don Bryant—my love and gratitude for being there, cheering me on, and keeping me grounded.
B. Kim Barnes
December, 2014
Shallow men believe in luck.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do any of these situations sound familiar to you?
If you have ever experienced anything like the situations above, you know that all of your technical competence and skills won't resolve the human issues involved in getting business or personal results that are important to you and others. In the real world, a good idea doesn't necessarily sell itself. People don't always share the same values, priorities, and vested interests, even though they work for the same company, share a profession, or live in the same community or household. If you want to be successful as a leader, manager, colleague, friend, spouse, parent, or partner, you must be able to achieve results through the effort and support of others. This requires a good set of influence skills. You already know a lot about influence—we all use it and are affected by the way others use it. By reading this book, practicing, and reflecting, you will bring the process of influence to your conscious attention and learn to manage it with greater focus, precision, ease, and effectiveness.
As a business or technical leader, you are charged with the responsibility for getting results through others—frequently those over whom you don't exercise direct control. Although this is a common expectation, you may not have received any training or preparation for the tough issues and challenges that come with this territory.
As a member of a team, family, club, or other small group, you know that these groups seldom operate on the basis of hierarchical power or seniority (though you might sometimes wish they would, especially if you are a parent, a committee chair, or a team leader). You may not have many role models for influencing effectively in this kind of environment.
Skillful influencing is more than just effective communication. It's possible to communicate often and clearly without achieving your desired results. Influence skills can be learned, but success as an influencer also requires you to have the ability to read the person and the situation—and the discipline to hold a clear goal in mind while selecting and using the behaviors that are likely to lead you toward that goal. There are many opportunities in daily life to exercise your influence.
A good set of influence skills can lead to
Influence involves sophisticated understandings and a complex set of skills. Some situations are fairly straightforward and require little in the way of planning; others are Byzantine in their complexity. We don't always get to choose which influence opportunities we'll be confronted with. In this book, we'll explore some practical ideas and tools for exercising influence in all aspects of your life. We'll examine recent research about how people respond to influence and how they make decisions. I've tried to cover, at least briefly, the major areas that are useful for the influencer to explore. Not all of them will be relevant to or needed for every influence situation. I hope you'll find enough here to stimulate your interest in influence and increase your confidence as an influencer. The best way to learn it, of course, is to do it.