The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love

About the Author

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Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. is the internationally renowned author of many books including the best-selling Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway, Feel the Fear And Beyond and the award-winning Embracing Uncertainty. Her books, which have been published in over 100 countries and translated into 35 languages, have helped millions of people overcome their fear, heal their relationships and move forward in life. She is a well-known public speaker and media personality. Susan lives with her husband in Los Angeles. Her popular website is www.susanjeffers.com.

Acknowledgments

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I love writing the acknowledgments. It brings to mind many of the wonderful people in my life. When it comes to The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love, the following were there for me each in their own way . . .

Judith Kendra, the Publishing Director of Rider Books, Random House, UK who was the impetus behind my writing this book. Over the years, she has supported my work in every way and I am very, very appreciative. Thank you, Judith and all the other people at Random House who worked hard to make this book a reality.

Tom and SueEllen Strapp of Powersource, my wonderful webmasters. They created www.susanjeffers.com, a very happy and successful website, indeed.

The men’s groups and women’s groups who shared so much of themselves. Their generosity and openness was a true measure of their heart.

The men and women from around the world who flood me with letters of thanks and gratitude. I’m sure that when they write me such beautiful letters or e-mail their thanks, they don’t realize what a gift it is that they give to me.

All my wonderful friends who add to my life in so many ways. It is a wonderful feeling to have so many people, near and far, who support all that I am and all that I do.

My wonderful family: my son, Gerry Gershman, my daughter, Leslie Wandmacher, my son-in-law, Michael Wandmacher, my step-daughter and son-in-law; Anthony and Alice Shelmerdine, my step-son and daughter-in-law, Guy Shelmerdine and Ashley Jacobs, my wonderful sister, Marcia Jeffers and brother-in-law, Bruce Rabiner. My appreciation of them all grows and grows. I am very blessed, indeed.

And most importantly, my husband, Mark Shelmerdine, who is the greatest lover in every way! How fantastic to have him in my life!

There is no doubt that owning your magnificence is constantly to affirm that you are a beautiful being and that your life matters . . . and to live accordingly.

Susan Jeffers¹

This isn’t a book about ending a relationship, it’s about creating a lasting love. But wherever there is love, there is the possibility of leaving, or being left. And I couldn’t finish this book without offering a few suggestions if your relationship is not working out the way you had hoped it would.

Sometimes ending a relationship is necessary; but sometimes it is necessary to take another look. By picking up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass, it is possible that our upset with our mate can be transformed into a new form of connection and love. But if the relationship does ultimately end, remember that we can learn and grow from it all. (You’re probably tired of hearing me say that, but it’s an important concept for you to keep in mind.) While breaking up is a painful experience, it is also an opportunity to learn what you need to work on within yourself in order to get it right the next time.

Many experts talk about unconditional love. Don’t tell a soul, but between you and me, I don’t really think that such a thing as unconditional love exists between mere mortals. At least, I haven’t seen any evidence of it. (I guess the closest we come to unconditional love is with our children, but even there, we are constantly being tested!) Nor do I believe that love should be unconditional.

I believe that love between two adults needs to be earned.

And what sometimes looks like unconditional love is often a bad case of neediness, which causes us to hang on to someone we really would be better off letting go of. ‘But I really love him/her!’ often means, ‘I really need him/her.’

I believe that the most anyone can ask is that we see the light within them that perhaps has been dimmed by difficult life experiences. And maybe that is one way of defining unconditional love – seeing the light no matter what the behaviour. But seeing the light within doesn’t mean that we should stay in a hurtful relationship. ‘I love you and I’m leaving’ is about as unconditional as a very hurtful love should get.

I also believe in letting go of unrealistic or unreasonable expectations, but there are some expectations that are truly justified in a relationship: the expectation that we are treated with honour, respect and a sense of caring. Sometimes these basic attributes of love are not forthcoming from our partner and we have to think again about whether we want to be in the relationship or not.

It is important to understand that there are reasons for honouring ourselves by having an ‘out the door’ policy when it comes to the behaviour of our mate. For example:

Physical abuse. This is a ‘first time, shame on you; second time, shame on me’ situation. If I was physically abused by my mate, I would be out the door so fast, I would leave a cloud of dust behind me. Of this, I am sure. Leaving is not something to hesitate about in such a situation. By the way, this goes for abused men as well. We think of physical abuse as perpetrated only by men. While it is true that more physical abuse is perpetrated by men, some women also physically abuse men.

Whether you are a man or a woman, if your mate is physically abusive, I suggest you leave and shut the door behind you. If you are too frightened to leave because of threats from your mate, or if you believe you ‘deserve’ the beatings, or if you don’t think you can make it on your own, please seek outside help. Don’t let shame stop you; there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is your mate’s behaviour that is the problem, not yours. Certainly physical abuse is the best reason I know of to end a relationship.

Verbal abuse. Extreme verbal abuse is a no-no as well. All of us have been insulting and insulted every now and then, when anger is in control, but I am talking about constant verbal abuse that berates, embarrasses and tries to make us feel less than we are. There is no reason for any man or woman to put up with this kind of abuse.

If your mate agrees to seek help, a reprieve could be had for a short period of time (whereas where there is physical violence, I recommend no reprieve), but no one deserves to live with a person who constantly curses, screams or berates him/her in any way. Anger management courses for your mate or group and individual therapy for both of you can sometimes help. It is very hard to live with the disdain we feel coming from our mate when he/she treats us so badly. That’s not what love is all about.

Addiction to alcohol or drugs. A young man in one of my workshops talked to me after class about his girlfriend: ‘I love her, but she drinks too much. She won’t go for help because she doesn’t even see that she has a problem. I know I’m supposed to be supportive, but if I go along with her drinking, I don’t think this is helping her at all.’ I agreed. He said he has become a nag about her drinking, but he doesn’t know what else to do. I asked him if he was willing to accept her exactly as she is: an active alcoholic. He – wisely, in my opinion – said, ‘No.’ I explained that there really is nothing he can do to change her behaviour. She has to want to change it herself. I suggested that he just say, ‘I love you, but I can no longer be in this relationship.’ And to move on. He agreed he had no choice, and he moved out the following week.

As hard as it is to break up a relationship, it is far more difficult to maintain it when one partner refuses to take responsibility for his or her own destructive behaviour. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t couples in long-term relationships where one of the partners is an alcoholic or drug addict, but it is obvious that these are not happy relationships. Living with an alcoholic or drug addict is very difficult, indeed. If you are living with an addict who is not acknowledging that he/she has a problem, leaving the relationship is justified. Many have found a great deal of help at Al-Anon, which is an adjunct AA programme for the family and friends of alcoholics.²

On a more positive note, if your mate realizes that he/she has an addiction problem and goes for help, the chances are very good that the relationship can survive. I’ve seen it happen often. Many men and women who are recovering alcoholics or drug addicts are proving to be loving mates. Yes, there is always a chance that they will return to alcohol or drugs, but very often they become more spiritual, loving and responsible human beings, especially if they follow the teachings of a spiritual programme such as that of AA. I know a number of recovering alcoholics who have not only stopped drinking but also realized their value in this world and are doing beautiful things. Their relationships thrive.

For good reasons, any one of these three no-no’s justifiably signals that we need to end the relationship. And you may be able to come up with a few more no-no’s of your own. But most relationships do not end for such obvious reasons. In fact, sometimes we don’t even understand why relationships end, which is why I recommend that before you decide to end such a relationship, you take another look. This means you pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass and learn as much as you can about what you need to change within yourself. Remember, if you don’t learn from this relationship, you will most likely make the same mistakes the next time around.

Here are some examples of ‘take another look’ situations in which great learning is possible:

The fantasy ends. ‘Some enchanted evening’ strikes again. Very often we marry a fantasy . . . instead of a person. As might be predicted, one day reality sets in, and our prince or princess turns into an ordinary human being with human limitations and frailties. Our unrealistic, and sometimes unfair, expectations blind us to the beauty that is there and we want to leave the relationship. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
We want to ‘find ourselves’. Sometimes we marry too early, having never had a chance to be on our own. Unhealthy dependencies result and we decide to leave in order to ‘find ourselves’. We have to ask ourselves, ‘Is it really necessary for me to leave in order for me to find myself?’ Maybe yes; maybe no. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
Our ‘dreams’ are unacceptable to the other. I do believe we have to honour our dreams – our hopes for the future. If our mate can’t accept what we want to do in life, we may understandably choose to leave. Earlier I used the example of a woman wanting to be out in the workforce and her husband wanting her to stay at home. If our mate can’t accept our dreams because of his/her own fears, expectations or need for control, we certainly would be wise to leave. Stifling our dreams is stifling our soul – our purpose. I don’t think any person could have stopped me from pursuing my dream, nor would I attempt to stop anyone else from pursuing theirs. We have to ask ourselves, ‘Is it necessary to leave in order to live my dreams?’ Again, maybe yes; maybe no. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
The ‘contract’ changes. ‘You were what I wanted when I met you; now I want something different.’ Sometimes the people we choose are meant for a certain period of our lives and not for another. We grow, and often we grow apart. We change, develop different interests, and sometimes incompatibility is the result. Perhaps there comes a point where it is impossible to find our way back to each other again. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
Our mate’s insecurity pulls us down. It often happens that when one partner begins to grow, the other feels insecure and pulls him/her down. If we do all we can to assure our partner of our love and he/she continues to pull us down, we need to get away from that kind of negative energy. It is demoralizing. If all else fails, leaving may be the best thing to do. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
We focus too much on externals. If our mate has not lived up to our expectations in terms of looks, money and the like, I think we need to raise our standards. By this I mean that we need to focus on the heart and soul of our mate instead of the externals. Is he/she a loving, caring person? We may ultimately decide to leave. But before leaving, it is important to take another look.
Our trust is gone. If we discover our mate has been unfaithful, it is very hard to regain our trust (as you learned in Chapter 9). Our disappointment is understandable and it is very tempting to leave. It is hard to live with someone you no longer trust. Yet it often happens that a couple can pull it together even after one or both of the partners has strayed. I’ve seen it happen. So before leaving, it is important to take another look.
We’ve taken another look! Yes, the time comes for many of us when we have worked on ourselves, we’ve tried our very best to change what doesn’t work, and we’ve communicated our upset to our mate. One morning we wake up and know deep within our heart that the relationship is over. Perhaps our partner continues to treat us in a less than loving way. Perhaps what he/she does is simply not okay with us. Perhaps, for whatever reason, it is simply over. In such a case, we’ve probably taken as many looks as we need to, and it is truly clear to us that it is time to say goodbye. No more looks required!

The above situations offer a wonderful opportunity to practise becoming more powerful and loving within ourselves, to determine where our expectations are unreasonable, to learn how to appreciate the good that is there and to get creative in terms of trying to fix the problem at hand.

It is important to realize that the only way to learn how to be in a relationship is to be in a relationship! Between my marriages, as I mentioned, I had a habit of leaving relationships when trouble arose. My thinking was that I hadn’t yet learned enough to be in a relationship. It finally occurred to me that, while I functioned beautifully on my own, if I wanted to learn how to be in a relationship, I had to be in a relationship! (It’s amazing how the obvious often eludes us.)

In the beginning, before Mark and I got married, there were times when I wanted to leave him, as I left all the others. But this time I was determined not to run but to learn. And I learned so much – particularly that it was my own fears, my own insecurities, that were creating most of the problems. As I worked on becoming a more confident person within the relationship, as I learned how to become ‘safely vulnerable’, as I learned the secret of honest communication, it all fell into place and our love thrived. In the process, I was able to focus on what was really wonderful about Mark . . . and there is so much that is wonderful about him.

Your relationship may or may not work out after a certain period of time. One thing I can guarantee is that if you do everything you can to work it out before leaving, you will rest easier. Dorothy offers a perfect example. For two years after she separated, she and her ex-husband did many things to see if they could work it out: vacations together, individual therapy, group therapy and so on. One day she woke up and just ‘knew’ her marriage was truly over. Because she had made every effort to resolve the differences between herself and her husband, she never looked back and wondered if she had made a mistake. She knew it simply would not work out between them as man and wife. Thankfully, she and her ex are very good friends today. You see, even so-called unhappy endings can transform into a new kind of bond that is very beautiful indeed. In that, it was a happy ending after all.

By the way, if you ultimately decide to leave, don’t punish yourself by thinking you chose the wrong partner. For various reasons, your partner was right at a certain time in your life. I know my first marriage wasn’t wrong. It was absolutely right for the time. It was my vehicle for learning many things about myself and about life itself. There are no guarantees. As we learn and grow from our experiences, we realize that, even if the relationship ends, our lives have been enriched in many ways. In that, ‘It’s all happening perfectly’.

‘Susan, but what if my mate leaves?’ Good question. Yes, it can be the biggest shock of our life if our mate informs us that he/she is leaving. This can be a fierce blow to the heart for both men and women. It is really critical for all concerned to understand that, after an initial period of mourning our loss, we will get to the other side of the pain. When the heart opens it is vulnerable. It can get wounded so easily. But when we know we will always get to the other side, we can be ‘safely vulnerable’, knowing we can handle it all.

It is important to reject the victim mentality and – one step at a time – take responsibility for creating a new and fulfilling life for yourself. Make ‘Happiness is the best revenge’ your motto. With this thought ever-present in your mind, work to increase your self-esteem (which is often deflated when our mate leaves), find new adventures, new experiences and ultimately a new sense of joy. You have to learn how to let go, to forgive and move forwards, looking back only to learn. In this way, you can build a beautiful life for yourself.

Let me reiterate, you have to remember that even though your partner left, the relationship was not a waste. As you focus on the learning, you have a much better chance of getting it right the next time. For this reason, I consider all relationships, even the worst of them, good in that they give us an opportunity to grow.

A word of advice: many signs of pulling apart from your partner appear long before they become a visible problem. It’s important not to let things slide too far down the slippery slope of discontent. Be very conscious, and if you see a problem emerging, tackle it in the beginning. Early help can save many a relationship.

Whether we leave a relationship or are left, a period of upset is only natural. How could you share a life with a person and not feel a hole in your life and in your heart when the relationship ends? But as you set about creating a rich, whole, beautiful life for yourself, the hole in your heart and in your life is quickly filled. Remember, there isn’t only one drink of water in the proverbial desert. Once a relationship ends, there are many opportunities to find love again. And always remember that the more loving you become, the easier it will be to find someone to love.

LOVE LESSONS

1. AGAIN . . . NO BLAME. If the relationship ends, it is tempting to blame our mate for all that went wrong – or, just as bad, to blame ourselves. In America, we have so-called ‘no-fault’ divorces. I like that. We got together, it didn’t work out and we are now ending it. If we can restrain ourselves from blaming our mate, we can open our hearts to their humanness, knowing we are all doing the best we can; we can look inside and see what we can improve within ourselves to make it better the next time around. Trust me when I tell you, until you stop the blame, you won’t be ready for a healthy relationship.

2. LEARN THE SECRET OF BEING ATTRACTIVE TO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. Mark and I had an illuminating experience the other night. We were at a large dinner party, happy to be sitting next to a lovely woman who was vibrant and seemingly very likeable. As the evening progressed, she told us she was recently divorced. As she began speaking about her ex-husband, a transformation took place. Her anger was unleashed and this very beautiful woman turned ugly right before our eyes! Her venom made us want to move to another table!

It is important for many reasons that you deal with your anger. Your anger is your clue that you are refusing to take responsibility for your choices in life. In this woman’s case, she surely wasn’t taking responsibility for any of the choices she had made! Trust me when I tell you that you cannot be attractive to an emotionally healthy member of the opposite sex if your anger dims the love within you. So learn all the techniques for dealing with anger within the pages of this and my other books, particularly Opening Our Hearts to Men (yes, it’s great for you men as well). You’ll be healthier, happier and much more attractive!

Remember, even if your mate leaves, even if your mate has hurt you deeply, even if you decide to leave an unhappy situation . . .

you, and only you, are in control of your reactions to all that happens to you in life. React in a way that gives you power, peace of mind and love . . . all of which make you beautiful as a human being.

3. LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness is essential if a relationship ends. It may take a little while, but the sooner we forgive, the better . . . for our happiness and even for our health. In Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway, I presented an exercise that I find very effective in helping us to forgive. It goes like this:

Find an empty room and turn off the telephone. Put on some soothing music. Sit down in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Visualize someone who brings up a lot of anger or pain in you. Picture them in front of you. First, surround them with rays of healing white light and tell them that you wish them all good things – everything they could possibly want in their lifetime. Thank them for whatever they have given you. Keep doing this until you feel your negative emotions clearing.³

Trust me when I tell you that this is not easy, but I think you already know that. In fact, you may be wanting to throw this book at me! If your experience doing this exercise is anything like mine, you will find yourself going through rage, tears and anger. ‘Wish him/her good things?! No way! I want him/her to suffer!’ But as you continue repeating this exercise over a number of days, you will be amazed to find yourself reaching the point where you truly can forgive. You come to the realization that we are all just doing the best we can relative to who we are as human beings.

It is important to drop the anger and forgive so that you can move into future relationships without carrying the heavy baggage of past relationships. To forgive is a very necessary step in fulfilling our Higher Purpose, that of becoming a more loving person.

4. GET HELP. When things are truly difficult, therapy is always an option. Understand that there are good therapists and bad therapists. A bad therapist may mean well, but he or she may be operating from ideas that do not support the best of who you are. My idea of a good therapist is one who does not make you a victim of your mate or anyone or anything else, but rather makes you feel you are a strong human being who is capable of making appropriate changes in your life. Any therapist who encourages you to blame instead of taking responsibility for your life is not one I would recommend you go to. Sometimes therapists increase anger instead of healing your heart. I’ve often seen it happen.

The truth is that we are NOT helpless victims at the mercy of external circumstances. We are all capable of creating powerful and loving solutions to all the problems in our lives. A therapist who helps us to recognize our own inner power is a wonderful therapist indeed.

5. WRITE YOURSELF A REMINDER LETTER. If you are clear that your relationship is not going to work out, write yourself a long letter about why you want it to end. Detail the feelings you had when you were hurt in any way. I did this before leaving my first marriage, and whenever loneliness or fear took over after I left, I picked up the letter to remind myself why I left in the first place. It truly was a great reminder and gave me strength to create a new life. I have suggested this idea to a number of people who have found it very effective.

Remember that just as we can learn from a relationship, we can also learn from the break-up of the relationship. Your unhappiness after a break-up doesn’t mean you should be back in the relationship. It only means that there is a hole in your heart that needs filling. It is time to fill your life with many things that make you feel good about yourself. You can’t think of anything to do? I’ll give you a suggestion. Just look around. There are so many things that need to be done to make this a better world. Start there. As you begin to help this world in your own way, eventually you will begin to feel whole. The neediness disappears, and life is good. It’s a powerful place to be and puts you in a much better position to create a beautiful new love. Onwards!

Addendum

Take Another Look

Other books by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

(in alphabetical order)

Dare to Connect: reaching out in romance, friendship and the workplace^*

Embracing Uncertainty: achieving peace of mind as we face the unknown^*

End the Struggle and Dance with Life: how to build yourself up when the world gets you down^*

Feel the Fear . . . And Beyond: dynamic techniques for doing it anyway^*

Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway: how to turn your fear and indecision into confidence and action^*

Feel the Fear Power Planner: 90 days to a fuller life

Freeing Ourselves from the Mad Myths of Parenthood^* : Letting go of the guilt and trusting who you are (originally titled I’m Okay . . . You’re a Brat)

Inner Talk for a Confident Day^*, Inner Talk for a Love That Works^*, Inner Talk for Peace of Mind^* (the Fear-less series)

Life is Huge: Laughing, Loving and Learning from it All

Losing a Love . . . Finding a Life: healing the pain of a broken relationship

Opening Our Hearts to Men: taking charge of our lives and creating a love that works^*

The Little Book of Confidence

The Little Book of Peace of Mind

Thoughts of Power and Love^* (quotes by Susan Jeffers)

^*Also available in audiotape

Audiotapes from Live Appearances:

The Art of Fearbusting

A Fearbusting Workshop

Flirting From the Heart

Opening Our Hearts to Each Other

www.susanjeffers.com

Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition.

Bell Hooks¹

Love, mysterious love! You must admit I’m very brave attempting to explain something that people have been trying to explain for thousands of years, but I decided to feel the fear and explain it anyway! You would have thought that after all this time we would have figured it out. But about real love most of us are in the dark. And even if we are in a great relationship, there always seems to be so much more to learn.

One of the reasons real love seems so hard to understand is this: we in Western society have constantly been fed misleading pictures of what real love actually looks like. Let me remind you of what is considered the greatest love story ever told, Romeo and Juliet, the tale of two dysfunctional 14-year-olds who would rather kill themselves than obey their parents! How this story became the model of ‘the greatest love story’, I will never know.

And then there are the fairy tales that omit so many essential truths about love. If you have children, I’ll wager you felt it your duty to read them the classics Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White and the like – just as your parents once read them to you. Hmm. Think about it: fairy tales always focus on some version of our hero and heroine falling madly in love, walking off into the distance and supposedly living happily after. But do they live happily after? Maybe they do; maybe they don’t.

This doesn’t stop young people today from hoping. For example, the news recently featured a lovely charity in the US called Becca’s Closet.² Among other services, it provides dresses for young women who can’t afford them so that they can attend their graduation ball with their classmates. As one young woman was modelling her beautiful new dress, she exclaimed, ‘I feel just like Cinderella.’ I thought to myself, ‘Some things never change!’

One of my favourite Broadway musicals is Into the Woods.³ One of the major characters in this delightful play is Cinderella and, true to the story, she gets to marry her prince. But the play dares to take us into the future, where we learn that, alas, the Prince has a roving eye and the relationship ends. What a blow! What happened to living happily ever after? Certainly whatever magic it was that brought them together soon disappeared. But all is not lost, as Cinderella learns a very good lesson. She will have to look at love in a much more eyes-wide-open manner the next time around. Could this be our new version of a happy ending?

And then there are the multitude of stories we hear about ‘love at first sight’. Let’s look at it logically: how can you love someone when you don’t even know them? That ‘stranger across a crowded room’ could be someone you should definitely avoid. And we can’t forget the misleading concept of ‘falling in love’? Don’t we realize that when we fall, we can get hurt? As Dr Phillip McGraw humorously points out:

We describe the start of new romance as ‘falling’ in love. ‘Fall: verb, to go from high to lower ground, usually in an out-of-control fashion.’ Hmm, it’s also a word we use to describe times when we’ve been suckered, as in, ‘I was so stupid to fall for that!’⁴

Yes, it seems we are stupid to fall for that – which can be explained by the mysterious fact that love at first sight can feel so good – while it lasts. I remember it well: I was walking down the street one day in New York. The freshness of spring was in the air and all was well. It was during the period between my marriages and I was feeling particularly free and happy. At some point, I noticed an extremely handsome man walking in my direction. He was hard to miss. Our eyes connected and . . . WOW! All my passionate urges came to the fore. We maintained eye contact until we passed each other by. I smiled, took a deep breath and said to myself, ‘WHAT was that?’ I had walked only a few steps further when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around. And there we were, face to face. At that very moment, it happened: we ‘fell in love’. And thus began one of the most passionate and crazy six months of my life.

But, alas, as time went by, whatever created this passionate and crazy attraction wore off. The spell was broken. And as always happens when the spell is broken, we woke up to reality. Our humanness was revealed to each of us, and since neither of us understood the process of creating real love, we were soon embroiled in constant bouts of judgment, anger, annoyance and other such love-destroying emotions. The situation worsened until I reached the point where I no longer wanted him in my life. I remember the relief I felt when I asked him to leave my flat and never contact me again. As the door shut behind him, I once again smiled, took a deep breath and said to myself, ‘WHAT was that?’A very good question, indeed.

Over the years, I have come to call this kind of love ‘enchanted love’. Indeed, enchantment can be defined as a spell that comes over us. And that’s exactly what seems to happen when we experience love at first sight. It is mystical, exciting, passionate and delicious . . . BUT it is not real love. I don’t have a clue as to why enchanted love occurs. It is amazingly irrational. What is most confusing is the fact that so many couples who are caught in its spell are definitely not good candidates for a long-term relationship.

Interestingly, a number of sources report that the spell that seems to come over us when we are in the throes of enchanted love is actually caused by a peptide called PEA (phenoethalymine) that is created within the body. (How unromantic is that!) Some attribute it to a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which is also created within the body. Both of these ‘love potions’ somehow create amazing feelings of passion, energy, joy and all good things. Hmm. Maybe the love potion theory is true; maybe it isn’t. Even if it is true, I haven’t seen any explanation as to why these potions suddenly pop up in your body when you gaze into the eyes of a complete stranger. Definitely, more research is necessary!

It is also reported that these love potions always wear off, usually in six months to two years, which is just as well. Enchanted love is a destructive kind of love in that it is all-consuming and messes up other areas of our lives. We ignore our friends, our jobs, our plans, our beliefs and other of those things that contribute to the richness of our lives. (Does this sound familiar?) As George Bernard Shaw once said of such a love: ‘I can’t imagine anyone wanting such a debilitating emotion to last forever.’

I agree. I have often joked that when you see that proverbial stranger across a crowded room you should turn around and run the other way. In reality, it is certainly possible to turn enchanted love into real love. I’ve seen it happen many times. It requires that we first allow the spell of enchanted love to wear off. As reality sets in, we can see more clearly and then decide if we want to move forward with the relationship – or end it. If we choose to go forward, it is then that the journey to real love truly can begin. In such a way, enchanted love can ultimately become real love, but, for obvious reasons, it is not wise to get married when under the spell of enchanted love. It may all fall apart when the enchantment wears off.

It is also important to point out that real love doesn’t require an initial period of enchantment. In fact, some of the best examples of real love are between two people who weren’t particularly attracted to each other when they originally met.

I’ve heard many happy couples report that in the beginning their mates were ‘not their type’. Certainly when I met Mark, my second husband, he definitely was not my type. He jokes that when we first started dating, I wouldn’t even invite him in for a coffee and cuddle. But, little by little, I saw what a wonderful man he was. The happy ending was that he eventually got his coffee and his cuddle, and our journey to real love began.

And what is real love all about? One of my favourite pictures of real love comes from Robert Johnson. In his book, WE, he talks about ‘stirring-the-oatmeal love’. He says:

To ‘stir the oatmeal’means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty, in simple and ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment, or an extraordinary intensity in everything. Like the rice hulling of the Zen monks, the spinning wheel of Gandhi, the tent making of Saint Paul, it represents the discovery of the sacred in the midst of the humble and ordinary.⁵

‘The sacred in the midst of the humble and ordinary’ – beautiful! When I read this, I was overcome with a deep sense of ‘knowingness’. After many years of marriage, Mark and I experience so many ‘stirring the oatmeal’ moments together. Something as simple as sitting down to dinner at the end of the day with the candles lit and a toast to each other that says ‘I love you and I thank you’ gives us a true piece of heaven on earth. How did Mark and I come to the place where just eating dinner, watching television, taking a walk, enjoying our neighborhood and doing all the ordinary things that people do brings us so much joy? Certainly we didn’t reach this point overnight. It took years of learning.

I have at times heard the erroneous concept that you shouldn’t have to work on love. ‘If you have to work on it, it isn’t real love.’ I disagree. The reality is that we are all human beings who are very often run by the weakest and most insecure part of who we are – our Lower Self. Our goal in a relationship is to learn how to rise to the most powerful and loving part of who we are – our Higher Self. This takes time; it takes focus; it takes an open mind; and, most importantly, it takes an understanding of what loving another person really means. If this understanding isn’t there, very often the relationship breaks down.

So many relationships start out with a commitment to love each other forever. But when the so-called honeymoon stage wears off and life interferes, the relationship often ends. Bob’s story is typical. He got married at a very early age. Just six weeks after his wedding, he and his wife were out to dinner with some friends. Someone joked that he should enjoy it while it lasts, as so many people end up divorced. He remembers responding to his friend, ‘That will never happen to us.’ And he truly believed the marriage would never end. But it did end. Five years later. What happened? He and his wife grew apart as petty differences interfered with their togetherness and they never learned how to put themselves back together again. What Bob and his wife didn’t know was this . . .

Commitment doesn’t mean you stop learning how to love. It is quite the opposite: commitment is where the really important learning needs to begin.

Read this last sentence again . . . and again!