Mars And Venus In Love

There is something for everyone in Mars and Venus in Love. From bestselling relationship expert, John Gray, an astonishing collection of first-person stories from couples who have made his principles work for them.

John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus titles have brought a powerful message to millions of people across the world.

But how do his methods work? How can they be put into practice? After the incredible response to his books, John Gray thought the success of couples who have followed his example might inspire others like them.

Mars and Venus in Love offers fascinating true-life stories of how relationships really work – and how problems can be overcome. Readers will recognise themselves and their own relationships in this absorbing collection of heartfelt personal stories – which offer hope, advice, forgiveness, encouragement and humour for every couple. They will inspire everyone to work towards developing fulfilling, healthy and loving relationships.

A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships

Her love, vulnerability, wisdom, and strength have allowed me to fall in love with her again and again.

AS THE AUTHOR of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, I have the regular benefit of hearing inspiring success stories from individuals and couples. Practically each day, someone will recognize me and come up with a smile on his or her face thanking me for writing “that book.” For years I was amazed. I knew that my seminars were transformational experiences and helped to save thousands of marriages, but I didn’t realize that simply reading a book could have the same effect.

In a presentation, with thousands of people listening to me speak, I can watch an idea or a little story sail out into the crowd and see faces here and there light up, like lightbulbs. I tell a story and with hardly a pause see people around the room unmistakably and instantaneously transformed. There is a wave of recognition and a tremendous relief, followed sometimes with a burst of laughter that for most reflects the following reactions:

• He knows what I’ve been feeling. Other people must have felt that too. And here I’ve been feeling like I was the only one in the world who just couldn’t get love right.

• The way he told about that couple’s problems, it sounded so regular, not crazy at all. Does that mean the way our marriage has been going might actually be normal?

• Pheww! I’m not alone. Other people have felt that too.

• Aha, that’s why that happened. Now it makes sense. I can deal with this. It’s not so hopeless.

These “lightbulb” experiences are no small things. They’re quick, but they aren’t transitory. People’s relationship problems are probably the most isolating events they experience. They are hard to define and talk about, particularly in a way that invokes compassion and understanding from our partners. When things aren’t working and we don’t know how to put it into words or understand what is happening, then naturally we begin to feel doubts.

In the time it takes for a single lightbulb to go on, people here and there throughout the audience are visibly transformed by one message or another—the one that makes a difference to them personally:

• We’ve gone through that! There’s nothing wrong with us!

• That describes me. I’m not alone.

• I’ve always thought that love was enough, but I guess there are things we needed to know to make it work.

In my seminars, I invite individuals and couples to stand up and share examples from their own lives. The insights I relate from understanding the differences between men and women are certainly very helpful, but what crystallizes these ideas best—most quickly, dramatically, unforgettably—are their stories.

As participants begin to share personal examples of how they have used these insights to improve their relationships, everything suddenly comes together. A story shared by one that directly relates to others causes faces to shine with joy, inspiration, and relief.

Mars and Venus in Love is a book of personal examples of relationships that work—a collection of true-life tales. You may not recognize yourself in every one, but there’s bound to be several that will crystallize your own truth, showing you something about your own love story that might have been eluding you for a long time. With each story you will share the clarity and love that others like yourself have found to make love work in their lives.

These stories come directly from individuals and couples who have shared in my seminars as well as from letters to my office. Each year, I receive thousands of letters, spontaneously written, telling love stories. The people who write these letters are husbands and wives or lovers or seekers-after-love; their relationships have seemed to be on the verge of ruin, but they have been saved by what they discovered in my work.

Some are readers or listeners who have loved their partners deeply, but who have—through my books, tapes, or seminars—found ways to enrich their love relationships beyond all imagination and expectation. Some are single people who had longed for love in their lives, but had never quite attained it—until they learned to identify and appreciate the differences between men and women.

Sometimes, at the end of a letter they would write, “If you think my story could help others, please feel free to use it as you wish.” One day, in thinking about it, I realized that it was a very good idea. If true stories and examples could have an instantaneous and permanent transformative effect in face-to-face encounters in my seminars, why not assemble an array of them in a book?

Mars and Venus in Love covers the basic ideas presented in my books, tapes, and seminars, but in a real-life way from the inside, giving you the opportunity to see yourself in the stories of others and to recognize your patterns in the circumstances they describe. In psychological terms, the book gives you a safe and private opportunity to identify with others, but in everyday terms it shows you in a hundred different ways some comforting realities:

• that problems in love are normal,

• that there’s nothing wrong with you if you have difficulties in your relationships,

• that almost everyone who tries to love has problems getting it right,

• that even big mistakes like infidelity can be forgiven and healed,

• that even where people are deeply in love, their relationships won’t work if they don’t recognize certain truths about men and women,

• that women and men really are different,

• and that the key to falling and staying in love is to recognize and embrace those differences.

While some of these stories are heartwarming, others are fun and humorous. What can be more satisfying than hearing of a love affair on the brink of ruin that suddenly revives and comes to life? Trying to understand how this happens is what keeps us sitting at the kitchen table long after brunch is over, pouring another cup of coffee and turning over the details of the situation—our own or somebody else’s—one more time. I’m hoping that the experience of reading this book will be for you like lingering over the end of a meal, thinking about love, and suddenly lighting up—like a lightbulb!—with the realization that “Oh! That’s me!” or “Look at this, honey! They’re talking about us!”

I MAGINE THAT men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day, long ago, the Martians traveled in their spaceships to Venus. When they arrived it was love at first sight. Both Martians and Venusians fell madly in love, married and lived happily ever after—that is, until they decided to visit Earth …

At first everything was perfect, but after some time the effects of Earth’s atmosphere began to take hold. Both men and women experienced “selective amnesia.” They forgot they were from different planets.

Without an awareness of how they were different, the Martians began to think the Venusians needed to be fixed, while the Venusians thought the Martians needed to be improved. As they set out to “change” one another, the love they originally felt started to disappear.

Although most of the Martians and Venusians forgot they were different, some were spared. These lucky ones remembered that they were from different planets. With this special insight they continued to grow together in love.

Although most of the Martians and Venusians forgot they were different, some were spared. They continued to grow together in love.

This one realization—that men are from Mars and women are from Venus—has been the missing key for thousands of couples to experience increasing love, better communication, and lasting passion in their relationships.

When we mistakenly think men and women are the same, then suddenly our relationships are filled with unrealistic expectations. Women assume men will do the things women do when they love someone. Men assume women will react the way a man would react when he loves someone. Without clear insight into the ways men and women respond differently, it is no wonder that our feelings get hurt and we end up battling with the one we love most.

When we mistakenly think men and women are the same, our relationships are filled with unrealistic expectations.

Through understanding and remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we begin to interpret our partners’ behaviors and responses in a new light. The old war between the sexes becomes instead the misunderstanding of the sexes. Something very magical takes place in our relationships; our hearts are filled with the warm glow of forgiveness and inspired by a new sense of power to realize our hopes and dreams.

Suddenly our relationships look very different. We see that our partners are struggling to be loving and in their own way doing their best. With this new insight, we are able to recognize our partners’ many attempts to be loving. The clouds of confusion, frustration, and disappointment begin to clear and suddenly their actions and reactions start to make sense.

When we can see clearly our partners’ loving intention, our relationships automatically begin to change. Instead of feeling rejected or unappreciated, we begin to see the love that not only was always there but is still there.

With this important insight, thousands of couples have discovered how to rekindle the love in their relationships in their own unique ways. Throughout Mars and Venus in Love we will explore their heartfelt and inspiring stories. In their own words, we will share in their successes and learn from their mistakes.

The stories in each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. While many of these ideas are already outlined and explained in my other books, hearing these stories will assist you in pinpointing some of your own feelings and experiences, and in some cases give you new ways of creating the relationship you want.

It is important to note that not everyone will directly relate to each of these stories—nor should you. Not everyone fits these general descriptions of how men and women are different. These stories were selected because many men and women do relate. As you find yourself or your partner described again and again, you will have a reference point for discussing these ideas with your friends and family and in your intimate relationship.

In chapter 2, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” the stories explore how a deeper understanding of the ways men and women differ generates lasting love. Simply remembering that we are different from one another frees us from feeling rejected and unappreciated, and inspires a willingness to take the time necessary to understand our partners and get what we need.

The stories in chapter 3, “Men and Their Caves,” illustrate how a woman’s understanding of a man’s healthy need to withdraw into his cave can dramatically improve a relationship. Many women have discovered that accepting a man’s need to withdraw at times frees him to be a better listener. And other women find that when they accept a man’s need to withdraw, he comes out more often.

In chapter 4, “Speaking Different Languages,” the stories illustrate how differently men and women communicate—and how different is their understanding of why we talk at all. Both men and women use language to make points and solve problems, but women also use language to discover what they want to say, to talk out their feelings, and often to experience greater intimacy. The stories here show communication improving dramatically as men and women come to understand these differences.

Chapter 5, “The Martians Are Coming,” relates stories of relationships so wounded that they were on the verge of dissolving—and yet, based on new insights into the differences between men and women, were healed and began to flourish. Here we see women and men growing in love and finding ways to get their needs met and to meet their partners’ needs, where before all was confusion and resentment.

Chapter 6, “Greetings from Mars and Venus,” shows the different ways in which women and men give love. Without a clear understanding of these differences, we are frustrated and disappointed in our experiences of love. The stories here serve as real-life examples showing men the importance of making a woman feel cherished, and women the value of expressing appreciation for their mates and their accomplishments.

Finally, in chapter 7, “Mars and Venus Together Forever,” we look at particularly difficult problems at the heart of some marriages—abuse, addiction, deceit, and infidelity. The stories here are memorable not only for what they show about the profound effect of such problems on love, but also for their revelations of the paths away from heartbreak and toward strong, healthy, loving relationships.

In each chapter of Mars and Venus in Love, you will discover new ways to integrate and apply this new understanding of the differences between men and women. Each story will bring an increasing awareness of how to solve the inevitable problems and conflicts that arise not only in our intimate relationships but in all relationships.

By hearing these relationship stories, to the extent that you can see yourself or your partner in each story, your own understanding of what makes relationships more loving will be automatically reinforced. As you focus on what makes relationships work, those qualities spontaneously become enlivened.

As you discover what may be missing in your relationship, instead of just feeling a loss, you will be inspired by new possibilities of finding fulfillment. As you begin to laugh at your own mistakes or your partner’s mistakes, old resentments are released and your heart is filled with the magic of love and forgiveness.

Whether you are inspired by these success stories or simply grateful for the love and understanding you already have, sharing in the personal transformations of people like yourself—as they grow in their ability to love and respect each other—is a nourishing and enriching experience.

MEN AND WOMEN are different. So different that at times we could be from different planets. Remembering this single idea frees us from blaming our partners and helps us to take the necessary time to understand our partners’ needs. Rather than perceiving our partners’ different ways of acting and reacting as signs of weakness, or as neurotic tendencies that need to be corrected, we can begin to love and accept our partners the way they are. In each of the following stories, men and women share how helpful and reassuring it is to begin understanding the differences between men and women.

Barbara told me this: “Roger and I are wonderfully in love today but it was not always that way. We had constantly felt a tug-of-war feeling. There were so many things that he did that bothered me. When I read Men Are from Mars, it was like John Gray had been following us around in our home. What we thought were our own conversations were written in his book. I had thought it was just us. To know that others were having the same experiences was immensely helpful.

To discover that many other couples are having the same experiences freed us from blaming each other.

“To discover that many other couples are having the same experiences freed us from blaming each other. Each time there was a problem I no longer concluded that something was wrong with Roger. I didn’t feel powerless to get what I wanted and most important I stopped interpreting Roger’s behaviors as signs that he didn’t love me.”

Nell wrote, “My husband, Stuart, is the strong silent type. He is very Martian. I could never know what he was feeling and it made me incredibly insecure. I felt I had to know. How could we ever connect if he didn’t share? How could I make things better if I didn’t know what was bothering him? I knew something was wrong and if he didn’t talk about it, then things were only going to get worse. And sure enough, we didn’t talk and things got worse.

“I never imagined that my trying to get him to talk was making him pull away more and more. When I read about how Martians go to their caves, it helped me understand how in my attempt to make things better, I was making things worse. When I began to back off, everything changed. Stuart started being in a better mood. When he was out of his cave, he was much more attentive and interested in me. I know without this one insight we would still be at war.”

Chuck said, “Learning to listen was the most important gift I received from understanding women are from Venus. I had always heard that communication was the most important element in a relationship and I thought I was a great communicator. As a matter of fact, I am a professional communicator—a radio interviewer. Why, then, was my wife so frustrated with me? Why had she stopped talking to me?

“I, like most men, became focused on solving the problem. Every time she would talk about what was bothering her, I would jump in with my solutions. I would try to clarify her thinking, correct her feelings, and attempt to solve her problems by offering solutions. I was attempting to solve her every problem except the one problem that she really wanted solved. She was really needing me to ‘just listen.’

“She had been saying that for years, but I never really understood what she meant. I thought ‘just listen’ meant I should let her finish her point before I give my solution. Now I ‘just listen’; I refrain from giving solutions, and suddenly she feels ‘heard.’”

Marge recounted, “When my friends kept insisting that I read John Gray’s books, I resisted at first. I didn’t want to hear a man telling me what more I should be doing to make my relationship better. Why is it that women are supposed to do all the work to make a relationship better? I was tired of doing more and I wanted my husband, Philip, to do something for a change. Although I didn’t like it, I took my medicine.

“I stopped doing more for him and stopped asking him to do more for me. I dedicated the next month to doing what I liked doing, instead of focusing on changing him.

I stopped cleaning up the kitchen and after the kitchen got real messy he would start to clean it up.

“I stopped trying to get him to talk. He then started asking me questions about my day. I stopped asking him about his day. After a few weeks he started telling me about his. I stopped cleaning up the kitchen and after the kitchen got real messy he would start to clean it up. I would leave all his clothes on the floor and eventually he would pick them up. Although this was not my ideal, it was working.

Appreciating his actions was like some secret magical love potion; immediately he was relieved and at peace.

“I practiced voicing my appreciation for whatever he did. Even though I didn’t want to wait for the kitchen to become a mess before he would clean it up, I did. When he cleaned things up, I smiled and said, ‘It looks really great.’ Appreciating his actions was like some secret magical love potion; immediately he was relieved and at peace. I would have never imagined how much easier it could be. With this one change in my behavior, he changed. Then I started to feel in love again.

“Yes, I had to make a change, but it was not what I thought it would be. I had to let go of wanting things to be a certain way. Yes, our house is messy. Yes, he stays in his cave sometimes for days. But when he is out, we are in love and this is priceless to me. Yes, it is hard for me to hold back from doing everything and then resenting him for not helping or caring; but when I experienced that it works and that we are more in love than ever, it became much easier. It is well worth the price.”

Judy shared, “Between the two of us we have had six marriages. This is the third for each of us. Now, in three days I’m going to be fifty-two years old. If I’m not going to have the best possible relationship after all this time and all this work, why have one at all? I’d rather be on my own than have a compromised relationship. When Ken and I married, I was forty-two, Ken was fifty-one. Adults! Grown-ups! We married to make the next level of commitment in both of our lives: by marrying, we were showing each other the level of commitment we were interested in having. And not having!

“After fifteen years, my first marriage ended in divorce. I just had no knowledge about how to have a good relationship. My parents fought all the time and showed very little respect for each other. I thought that because I was intelligent I could do something different, but it happened all over again.

“After getting a divorce, within a year and a half I was married again. He was a nice man, but again it didn’t work. At least this time I didn’t stay fifteen years. Although I was confused, it was becoming really clear to me that I just didn’t know how to do it.

“Then, Ken came into my life and everything changed. We met while attending a seminar on communication with John Gray. For the first time in my life, I started to understand men and what was happening in my relationships. I think I started to learn how to talk to men so that they would listen. When I stopped giving him helpful advice all the time, he started to listen to me. Now we’ve been happily married ten years and I know why.

“We communicate, and we know how to honor each other as different sexes. We know how those differences work. I no longer assume that it should be easy for Ken to understand me. Sometimes I don’t understand myself, so how should I expect a Martian to? When he listens and tries to understand me, I really appreciate that he tries.

I thought if he loved me, he would automatically want to connect with me through communication.

“Before Ken, I would just expect a man to listen and understand. I thought that if he loved me, then he would automatically want to connect with me through communication. I didn’t know that men connect through doing.

“When Ken feels like he is doing something for me, then he starts feeling connected. Passively listening makes a man feel like he is not doing anything to help. He easily becomes bored, impatient, distracted, or uninterested. Through sharing my appreciation for Ken, he is reminded that he is helping. It not only makes him happier, but it also reminds me not to take his support for granted.

“I also don’t expect myself to automatically accept and embrace all our differences. It is tough sometimes, but now I feel compassion for me for having to deal with someone so different from myself!

Although we are different, his way is just as valid as mine; I don’t need to be fixed nor does he.

“Remembering men are from Mars and women are from Venus helps us to respect our differences and not try to ignore or deny them. Ken and I went through the eighties, when men and women were supposed to be exactly the same. Now we know that is not right: we found out that we weren’t the same at all. But we also learned that one was not better than the other. Although we are different, his way is just as valid as mine; I don’t need to be fixed nor does he.