Cover
About the Book
Also by John Gray
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
January: Resolve, Excel, Desire
January 1: The Seasons of Love
January 2: Realizing the Potential of a Relationship
January 3: Creating Relationships That Support Personal Fulfillment
January 4: Keeping Love Fresh
January 5: Building a Relationship
January 6: The Wisdom of Pausing and Preparing
January 7: Why Women Relish Desire
January 8: Is There a Part of You That Wants to Have Sex?
January 9: How We Stop Loving
January 10: A Mans Responsibility
January 11: The Ebb and Flow of Passion
January 12: What to Do When a Man Is Upset
January 13: Falling in Love Right Away
January 14: Love and Hate
January 15: It Sounds Worse Than It Is
January 16: Breaking Up with Love
January 17: Why Couples Are Having Less Sex
January 18: Personal Responsibility and Self-Healing
January 19: Change Is Hard Work
January 20: Relearning Love
January 21: The Wisdom of Waiting
January 22: Releasing Negative Feelings
January 23: What Men Really Want
January 24: Women Love Sex
January 25: Avoiding Painful Arguments
January 26: Chemistry Is Not Created
January 27: What Do You Say When a Man Is Upset?
January 28: Share and Share Alike
January 29: Keeping the Magic of Romance Alive
January 30: Equal Partnership Creates Lasting Passion
January 31: A Mans Purpose in a Relationship
February: Understand, Embrace, Commit
February 1: What Makes Relationships Difficult
February 2: Dealing with Doubt
February 3: Money Can’t Buy Love
February 4: The Importance of Timing
February 5: Understanding the Cave
February 6: Why Men Pull Away
February 7: Men Are Like Rubber Bands
February 8: Women Are Like Waves
February 9: Signals That He Is Out of the Cave
February 10: How Men React to the Wave
February 11: Why Women Need More Talk
February 12: Why Marriage?
February 13: What Romance Says
February 14: The Importance of Commitment
February 15: Women and Romance; Men and Sex
February 16: The Art of Listening
February 17: Marriage vs. Friendship
February 18: What a Man Can Do When It’s Difficult to Listen
February 19: Two Kinds of Men; One Kind of Behavior
February 20: Passionate Monogamy
February 21: Reacting to Stress
February 22: Making Little Changes
February 23: Feelings Are Not Facts
February 24: Remembering Our Differences
February 25: When a Man Doesn’t Need Help
February 26: Wearing Different Glasses
February 27: Overgiving Is Not Dysfunctional
February 28: She Needs Validation, and He Needs Approval
March: Imagine, Experience, Protect
March 1: The Four Doorways to Intimacy
March 2: The Golden Twenty Minutes
March 3: The Unfolding Process of Sharing
March 4: Why Romance Works
March 5: What a Man Can Do for a Woman
March 6: Our Dark Sides
March 7: The Art of Listening to a Woman
March 8: Mind Reading
March 9: Why Romance Is Important
March 10: Why Women Become Overwhelmed
March 11: What Makes Sex Better
March 12: Stress and the Emotionally Absent Man
March 13: The Fifteen-Minute Delay
March 14: A Mans Confidence
March 15: Forming Opinions
March 16: Emotional Self-Defense
March 17: Male Tunnel Vision
March 18: Growing Together in Love
March 19: Active and Receptive Interest
March 20: A Woman’s Responsibility
March 21: The Springtime of Love
March 22: How Women Can Deal with Tunnel Vision
March 23: Learning from Our Mistakes
March 24: Women Are Still from Venus
March 25: What Makes Women Happy
March 26: Moving in the Right Direction
March 27: Asking for What You Want
March 28: The Self-Assured Woman
March 29: How We Lose the Attraction
March 30: When to Talk About Sex
March 31: What Makes a Man List en
April: Passion, Courage, Forgiveness
April 1: Apologies and Forgiveness
April 2: Giving Up Blame
April 3: Women and Sex
April 4: The Soul Mate Challenge
April 5: Sex at Its Best
April 6: When You Suppress Your Feelings
April 7: Advanced Bedroom Skills
April 8: Releasing Your Negative Feelings
April 9: Keeping the Passion Alive
April 10: In the Bedroom Women Are Like the Moon, Men Are Like the Sun
April 11: When Questions Are a Turnoff
April 12: Why Sex Is So Important
April 13: How to Avoid Arguments
April 14: He Wants to Sleep on It, but She Doesn’t
April 15: Sex and Passion
April 16: Sex and Decision Making
April 17: Passionate Monogamy
April 18: What Drives a Man
April 19: Great Sex
April 20: Women and Quickies
April 21: Creating Healthy Intimacy
April 22: Writing a Sex Letter
April 23: Complementary Needs
April 24: One Secret to Making a Woman Feel Loved
April 25: The Seven Secrets of Lasting Passion
April 26: Communication Is for Women What Sex Is for Men
April 27: How to Rekindle the Passion
April 28: Healing Repressed Feelings
April 29: When Her Pleasure Becomes His Pleasure
April 30: It’s Not Your Fault
May: Harmony, Diversity, Appreciation
May 1: Resonance
May 2: People Are Different
May 3: Everyone Is Special
May 4: Good Intentions Are Not Enough
May 5: Soul Mates Are Not Perfect
May 6: What Women Admire in Men
May 7: How a Man Thrives
May 8: Fear of Being Different
May 9: How Sex Is Different for Men and Women
May 10: Balancing the Masculine and the Feminine
May 11: Appreciation Is Contagious
May 12: Remembering Our Differences
May 13: Differences Are Magic
May 14: That Delicate Balance
May 15: Love and Compatibility
May 16: Give Trust, Not Advice
May 17: Two Steps Forward and Then Back Again
May 18: Women Expand, Men Contract
May 19: How We Are Different
May 20: The Magic of Doing Little Things
May 21: When Women Aren’t Interested in Sex
May 22: Finding Balance
May 23: Honor and Respect Lead to Fulfillment
May 24: Inner Potential
May 25: Conventional Relationships
May 26: Giving vs. Receiving
May 27: She Needs Devotion, and He Needs Admiration
May 28: Unity in Diversity
May 29: Sharing Dark Feelings
May 30: Making a Difference in the World
May 31: The Need for Balance
June: Investigate, Communicate, Accept
June 1: Accepting You
June 2: Doing Less but Supporting More
June 3: The Importance of Communication
June 4: How to Communicate Without Blame
June 5: A New Dilemma
June 6: What Makes Sex Great
June 7: Four Magic Words of Support
June 8: Expressing Your Negative Emotions
June 9: The Prime Objective: Listen
June 10: The Male Need to Be Accepted
June 11: The Essential Key: Telling the Complete Truth
June 12: Romance and Communication
June 13: How to Listen Without Blaming Back
June 14: Breaking the Language Barrier
June 15: Polarity Sex
June 16: Giving Men the Right Message
June 17: New Communication Skills
June 18: The Need to Change Him
June 19: When to Talk with a Man
June 20: Good Communication
June 21: It’s Okay to Make Mistakes
June 22: The Summer of Love
June 23: How to Get a Man to Listen
June 24: Communication and Motivation
June 25: It’s Not What We Say but the Way That We Say It
June 26: Asking for What You Want
June 27: She Needs Understanding, and He Needs Acceptance
June 28: A Woman’s Lifeline
June 29: Time Alone
June 30: Spinning Out and Spacing Out
July: Instinct, Imagination, Initiative
July 1: When a Man Moves Faster
July 2: Why Men Argue with Feelings
July 3: When Women Give Points
July 4: The True Meaning of Equality
July 5: The Therapy of Great Sex
July 6: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
July 7: Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
July 8: Mental Attraction for Men
July 9: How She Unknowingly Turns Him Off
July 10: Initiating Sex vs. Conversation
July 11: The Need for Clear Signals
July 12: Why He Wants a Relationship
July 13: A Man with a Slow Hand
July 14: Mental Monogamy
July 15: Psychological Differences Between Men and Women
July 16: Opening the Car Door
July 17: Silencing Your Feelings through Addictions
July 18: When a Man Can Control His Passion
July 19: Mental Chemistry for Men
July 20: Healing Negative Feelings
July 21: When Men Stop Initiating Sex
July 22: Wallets and Purses
July 23: Patience Is Divine
July 24: Romantic Getaways
July 25: Cause and Effect
July 26: How Men Take Credit
July 27: Taking Time to Heal
July 28: Masculine Violence
July 29: Why a Man’s Feelings Change
July 30: Preparation
July 31: Men and Feelings
August: Create, Achieve, Empower
August 1: The Power of Love
August 2: The Art of Empowering a Man
August 3: How We Influence Each Other
August 4: What Men Need
August 5: Giving Up Judgments
August 6: When the Clock Keeps Ticking and He’s Not Wearing a Watch
August 7: To Ask or Not to Ask
August 8: Illness
August 9: Women Give What Women Want
August 10: Different Interests Create Chemistry
August 11: Finding Our Oneness
August 12: Sharing Your Love
August 13: The Power of Attitude
August 14: Love and Submission
August 15: Negative Self-Talk
August 16: Don’t Say, “Well, I Disagree. I Think …”
August 17: Healing the Resentment Flu
August 18: Learning through Listening
August 19: When and How to Practice the Anger Process
August 20: A Time for Hope
August 21: Bringing Out the Best in Her
August 22: Empowering Forgiveness
August 23: What Happens When You Love Yourself
August 24: Making the Choice to Respond
August 25: A Healthy Relationship
August 26: Learning to Become Resentment Free
August 27: Creating Change
August 28: Verbal Reassurance
August 29: A Woman’s Worth
August 30: Discovering Our Purpose
August 31: Change and Grow
September: Knowledge, Expression, Balance
September 1: What Are You Really Feeling?
September 2: Stress Management for Men and Women
September 3: When a Man Is on His Female Side
September 4: When Martians Don’t Talk
September 5: How Women Go Out of Balance
September 6: Labor and Love
September 7: Why Men Appear Self-Centered
September 8: Maturity Means Greater Wisdom
September 9: Misinterpreting a Woman’s Being Overwhelmed
September 10: You Don’t Have to Say Anything
September 11: Feelings Are Your Friends
September 12: Balance through Attraction
September 13: When Women Can’t Be Venusian
September 14: Attraction Needs Polarity
September 15: Sharing Responsibility
September 16: How to Get a Man to Just Listen
September 17: Communication, Intimacy, and Romance
September 18: How Men Give Points
September 19: The Awakening of Our Inner Qualities
September 20: When Men Feel and Talk a Lot
September 21: The Autumn of Love
September 22: How She Offends Him
September 23: Why Talking Helps Romance
September 24: “You’re Not Listening”
September 25: Men Need Solutions; Women Need to Share
September 26: Why We Argue
September 27: The Importance of Eye Contact
September 28: How Men Go Out of Balance
September 29: How a Woman Changes
September 30: Disagree with Him, but Don’t Disapprove of Him
October: Attract, Flirt, Respect
October 1: The True Challenge of Love
October 2: Attraction
October 3: Women and Physical Attraction
October 4: Men Feel Physical Attraction First
October 5: How Men Unnecessarily Feel Rejected
October 6: What to Expect in a Relationship
October 7: Adjusting Our Expectations
October 8: Living in the Promise
October 9: Women and Soul Attraction
October 10: How to Attract Mr. Right
October 11: How Men Experience Intimacy
October 12: Why Very Attractive Women Get Very Annoyed
October 13: Friendship, Autonomy, and Fun
October 14: Women Love Great Sex
October 15: How to Initiate a Conversation with a Man
October 16: Men Pursue and Women Flirt
October 17: “Men Want Only One Thing”
October 18: When a Woman Opens Her Heart
October 19: When Love Fails
October 20: Men Who Talk Too Much
October 21: The Female Need to Be Respected
October 22: Opening Our Hearts
October 23: Setting and Respecting Limits
October 24: What Makes a Woman Special
October 25: The Power of Touch
October 26: Men Love a Woman with a Smile
October 27: Emotional Attraction
October 28: Remembering Our Differences
October 29: Temptation
October 30: Love, Romance, and Monogamy
October 31: Wise Men and Women
November: Trust, Happiness, Forgiveness
November 1: She Needs Reassurance, and He Needs Encouragement
November 2: Male Forgetfulness
November 3: She Needs Caring, and He Needs Trust
November 4: When a Man Makes a Mistake
November 5: Partnership and Service to a Higher Purpose
November 6: Why Men Are So Sensitive
November 7: Realizing the Potential of a Relationship
November 8: The Male Need to Be Appreciated
November 9: Nongoal-Oriented Talking
November 10: Love Has No Requirements
November 11: All Feelings Are Important
November 12: The Power of Forgiveness
November 13: The Male Need to Be Trusted
November 14: Complementary Needs
November 15: Understanding Our Changes
November 16: Feeling Pain
November 17: Finding Happiness in Reality
November 18: When She Is Receptive, He Will Thrive
November 19: The Symptoms of Stress
November 20: How We Find Our Partners
November 21: Self-Blame vs. Blaming Others
November 22: Lightness and Fun
November 23: A Woman’s Responsibility
November 24: Staying Open
November 25: How Men and Women React Differently to Stress
November 26: It Is Normal to Make Mistakes
November 27: Dealing with Anger
November 28: Freedom to Say No
November 29: Healthy Dependence
November 30: Good Endings Make Good Beginnings
December: Give, Nurture, Love
December 1: Love: The Central Need
December 2: The Union of Soul Mates
December 3: Emotional Housekeeping
December 4: Great Sex for the Relationship
December 5: Getting to the Goal vs. Enjoying the Ride
December 6: Successful Giving and Receiving
December 7: How a Man Feels Love
December 8: Love Motivates Martians
December 9: The Need to Be Cared For
December 10: How Men Receive Love Differently
December 11: Practice Makes Perfect
December 12: Practicing Compassion
December 13: Why Women Feel They Give More
December 14: The Twelve Kinds of Love
December 15: The Logistics of Foreplay
December 16: Symbols of Love
December 17: Pleasing Her
December 18: When a Woman Is on Her Male Side
December 19: How You May Be Unknowingly Turning Off Your Partner
December 20: Giving Support at Difficult Times
December 21: Every Relationship Is a Gift
December 22: The Winter of Love
December 23: God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
December 24: The Gift of Love
December 25: How We Express Our Soul
December 26: How to Ask for Support and Get It
December 27: Love and Need
December 28: The Seed of Greatness
December 29: When a Man Takes Charge
December 30: Learning to Receive
December 31: Real and Lasting Love
Acknowledgments
Copyright
Also by John Gray, Ph.D.
Mars and Venus Starting Over
Mars and Venus on a Date
Mars and Venus in Love
Mars and Venus Together Forever
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom
What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You
and Your Father Didn’t Know
There's no doubt about it: the relationship between men and women is extremely complex. We often forget just how different the sexes are, and become frustrated and confused by a loved one’s behaviour.
In this delightful book of days, John Gray’s expert relationship advice is distilled into powerful, daily inspirations that remind us of the contrasts between Mars and Venus, and allow us to resolve conflicts in our relationships.
Includes comforting and helpful advice on:
These beautiful reflections will lift the spirit, and inspire you to create fulfilling, healthy and loving relationships.
This book is dedicated with deepest love and affection to my wife Bonnie. Her consistent love, support, strength, and wisdom have inspired me day by day to be the best I can be and share what we have learned together.
POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST problem in relationships today is our tendency to assume that our partners are like us. We mistakenly believe that if our partners love us, they will think, feel, and behave in certain ways. If they are bothered by something, we assume that our way of dealing with problems is best for them. This is rarely the case. With a greater understanding of how men and women are different, we can avoid unnecessary frustration and disappointment.
Remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus helps us give up our resistance to differences and find acceptance. Rather than succumbing to our tendency to want to change, improve, or fix our partners, we can instead take time to understand them. By remembering that we are supposed to be different, we not only find peace and comfort, but we gain the necessary insight to give and receive love successfully with our partners.
The Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of Days contains 365 daily inspirations to remind you each day of the basic differences between men and women. Reading a short daily reminder is just enough to point you in the right direction toward understanding and working with the differences instead of feeling powerless or stuck.
With this additional support, every day can be an opportunity to grow in love.
Although the Mars/Venus principles make sense, they are still not easy to remember and put into practice. They are still new. At the times when we need these insights most, we tend to forget. Usually we just need a little reminder to trigger our positive feelings of trust, acceptance, understanding, and appreciation for the opposite sex. By remembering how we are different, we can always come up with a more effective way to give and to get love. As you read one of the short inspirations each day, you will feel supported in your journey of making love and romance a priority in your life.
In the process of learning something new, there is a natural learning curve. With practice and application, new knowledge becomes automatically a part of you.
To master the principles of the Mars/Venus approach to relationships, we need to relearn them many times.
My own experience was first discovering these ideas and then putting them into practice. As time passed and problems arose, I realized I had forgotten to put into practice what I had already learned. After refreshing my memory, I changed my behavior, and things were better for a while. Then, once again, problems would come up and I would have to remind myself of the relationship techniques I had forgotten. After several years of this process, most of the ideas I teach have become second nature.
Generally speaking, to learn something completely new takes learning it, forgetting it, and then recognizing that we have forgotten it a number of times. Then it becomes second nature. Well, in this Book of Days you will hear it 365 times. By checking in every day for a year, you will give yourself the perfect opportunity to master these new relationship skills.
The Book of Days will help remind you of the most important ideas in the Mars/Venus collection. Many of the inspirations are taken directly from my previous books with a few modifications and updates. This book is immediately helpful and supportive to those who have read my other books, but it also stands alone. For those who have not read the other Mars/Venus books or listened to the tapes, these inspirations will not only be helpful but will serve as an excellent introduction to the simple and basic ideas that have helped millions of individuals and couples.
As you grow in this understanding and insight, you will be better equipped to deal with the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise in relationships. This does not mean that as you make progress problems will go away. It means that instead of gradually closing your heart and giving up, you will be able to deal with problems in such a way that your heart and love become stronger.
It is in overcoming love’s challenges that we can grow together in love.
Listen right now, deep in your heart, to your soul’s sincere desire to love and be loved. Make a commitment to yourself to read your daily inspiration, and you will eventually reap your reward. Even though you deserve a loving and lasting relationship, it still takes some work. Let these daily inspirations help you create the relationship of your dreams.
Thank you for letting me make a difference in your life, and thank you for taking the time to create more love in this world. May you continue to grow in love and share the light in your heart.
John Gray
August 1998
JANUARY IS A time of new beginnings, a time to set our intentions with renewed confidence and innocence. It is a chance to start over. With the last year behind us, we can begin once again, fresh and free. We can question every part of our life and recommit ourselves to achieve and fulfill our soul’s desire to love and be loved.
January begins with a sense of exhilaration. We are filled with resolve: “This will be my best year. This will be the year that I discover true and lasting love.” Or “This will be the year that, together, we will learn to strengthen our relationship.”
The excitement of a new year fills us with a desire to excel. We resolve to take time to consider our own feelings. We try to listen with clarity to our loved ones. We seek the knowledge of what pulls us together. We strive to create deeper and stronger bonds between us.
Yet we know that we will be presented with numerous challenges throughout the year. When these challenges arise, we should keep in mind that a relationship is like a garden: it must be cared for faithfully each day. To tend our garden successfully, we must consider over and over again the unique needs of each of our plants.
A relationship is like a garden: it must be cared for faithfully each day.
Likewise in our relationships, we need to remember that our partner’s needs are often different from ours. Just remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus will help you recognize our important differences. With a greater understanding of our differences, we are free to create harmony instead of conflict and realize our sincere desire to make love and be happy together.
Every one of us can create the loving relationship we want, need, and deserve. If you believe that love exists for you, you’ll find the power to manifest your dreams. With an open heart, you are able to act in accordance with your highest purpose: to love and be loved.
A RELATIONSHIP IS like a garden. If it is to thrive, it must be watered regularly. Special care must be given according to the season as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. Similarly, to keep the magic of love alive, we must understand its seasons and nurture love’s special needs.
To be successful in our relationships we must accept and understand the different seasons of love. Sometimes love flows easily and automatically; at other times it requires effort. Sometimes our hearts are full, and at other times we are empty. We must not expect our partners always to be loving or even to remember how to be loving. We must also give ourselves this gift of understanding and not expect to remember everything we have learned about being loving. The process of learning requires not only hearing and applying but also forgetting and then remembering again.
Next time you are frustrated with the opposite sex, remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Even if you don’t remember anything else, remembering that we are supposed to be different will help you be more loving. By gradually releasing your judgments and blame and persistently asking for what you want, you can create the loving relationships you need and deserve.
CORRECTLY UNDERSTANDING THE way men and women think and feel differently doesn’t ensure that a relationship will be free of problems. But it does assist us in lovingly finding a solution.
When we are not getting what we need, we become overly judgmental and critical of our partners. Instead of dwelling on feelings of rejection and resentment we need to focus on getting what we need.
Whenever we are blaming our partner, it is a sign to back off and release our dependence on our partner. By temporarily filling up with love from friends, family, and ourselves, we will be less critical and judgmental. Our judgments and criticisms push away our partner’s love. By being more autonomous, we can create a lasting, loving relationship. When we become too dependent, even a soul mate will seem like the wrong partner.
WOMEN TODAY NO longer primarily need men to provide and protect on a physical level. They want men to provide on an emotional level as well. Men today also want more than home-makers and mothers for their children. They want women to nurture their emotional needs, but not to mother them or to treat them like children.
I’m not saying that our parents didn’t want emotional support; it was just not their primary expectation. It was enough for Mom if Dad worked and provided. It was enough for Dad if Mom managed the house and kids and didn’t constantly nag him.
What was good enough for our parents isn’t good enough for us. We are no longer willing to make such enormous personal sacrifices. We demand and deserve lasting happiness, intimacy, and passion with a single partner. If we don’t get it, many are prepared to sacrifice the marriage. Personal fulfillment has become more important than the family unit.
There is nothing bad or narcissistic about wanting more than our parents did. The truth is that times have changed, and our values have changed with them.
In most cases, the solution is not divorce nor is it self-sacrifice. Instead, the answer lies in learning how to create relationships and marriages that support our personal fulfillment.
People today are not less loving. Instead, they seek to give and receive even more love.
Until we learn new skills for creating lasting romance, relationships will be disappointing and divorce rates will remain high.
OVER TIME IN a relationship, we often begin to take our partner for granted. Men stop planning dates and giving them compliments while women stop acknowledging and appreciating the little things a man does to make her life easier. After the honeymoon is over it is too easy to assume that our partner will automatically feel loved and supported. We stop planning ways to express our caring and appreciation.
To overcome this tendency, a wise woman remembers to express her delight whenever possible to a man’s attempts to please her. She doesn’t dwell on his mistakes but focuses on appreciating his intention to be supportive. Likewise, a wise man remembers to do the little things that say she is special. By thinking ahead in consideration of her needs and wishes and occasionally planning dates and romantic getaways he provides for her the support she needs to feel loved.
THERE ARE FOUR keys to creating mutually supportive and rewarding relationships:
These four keys can unlock the potential within you to create loving relationships and fulfill your hopes and dreams. They will help you realize why your relationships have had problems in the past, and provide a foundation to build stable and life-enriching relationships in the future.
OFTEN A MAN is offering solutions and a woman wants just to be heard. With advanced relationship skills, a woman can assist him in giving her the support she wants. By learning how to pause and then prepare him to listen, she can continue without getting interrupted by his solution.
The sooner a woman makes it clear that she doesn’t need a solution, the easier it will be for her mate to shift gears from the “fixing”mode to the “hearing”mode.
For example, if a man has been listening and begins offering solutions, the woman can pause and let him know that she doesn’t need his solutions. It is as simple as saying, “Thanks for the advice but I just need to get this out. You really don’t have to say anything.” When she is done, she should remember to thank him for listening. For example, she could say, “I feel so much better now, thanks for listening.” Or if it was a difficult conversation and things are still unresolved, she could say, “I know this is difficult, but I really appreciate your taking the time to understand my point of view. It helps.”
THE MORE A woman is focused throughout her day on caring for and giving to others, the less aware she is of herself and her own sensual desires. She may be in touch with other people’s feelings but out of touch with her own.
Just as a man forgets feelings, a woman forgets her sensual desires and longings. The practicalities of day-to-day survival and living take precedence over her deeper and more sensual desires. The more pressured or overwhelmed she is, the harder it is for her to relax and enjoy life’s simple pleasures.
For a man, the sexual experience is the fulfillment of his desire; for a woman, it is the buildup and then the release.
When a man focuses on a woman in a caring and attentive way, he frees her to experience herself again. When a woman feels temporarily relieved of her pressure to care for others, she can begin to feel her sexual desires. A man’s romantic attention to details designed to please her automatically begins to open her up.
By receiving the caring, nurturing, and sensuous support her female side craves, she begins to feel her sexual yearnings. Sometimes it is as though she doesn’t even know she wants this stimulation until she gets it. The act of skillfully giving a woman what she needs helps her to discover her needs, and then she begins to long for more.
WHEN A MAN’S partner seems uncertain about having sex, instead of giving up, he should say, “Is there a part of you that wants to have sex with me?”
Almost always she will say yes. He may be surprised sometimes by how quickly she will respond by saying, “Sure, a part of me always wants to have sex with you.” This will be music to his ears.
She may then proceed to talk about all the reasons she doesn’t want to have sex. She might say, “I don’t know if we have enough time. I still have to do laundry and some errands.” Or she might say, “I’m not sure how I am feeling. I have so much on my mind right now. I feel like I should devote time to finishing this project.”
When a woman seems uncertain about sex, it doesn’t mean no.
As she continues to talk, he should remind himself that she is not saying no. She just needs to talk, verbally sort things out, and then she can find her desire. Many times after sharing several reasons why she is not in the mood, she will then turn around and say, “Let’s do it.”
Without understanding how a woman is different, a man can easily feel turned off when she is talking about the reasons she doesn’t know if she wants to have sex. As long as he hears that a part of her wants to have sex, it is much easier for him to hear about the parts of her that don’t want to have sex. Even if she finally discovers that she doesn’t want sex, she can say, “We could have a quickie if you want, and then sometime soon we can be more leisurely about it.”
WHEN WE FEEL blame toward our partner, it is difficult to accept, understand, and forgive their limitations and imperfections. Only through learning to love them in stormy times can we grow together. Anybody could love someone who was perfect.
Whenever we are pointing our finger at our partner, three fingers point back.
At times when we are blaming our partner, we need also to look inside, listen to our feelings, and reflect on how we contributed to the problems. We cannot expect our partners to hear our feelings until we can come from a loving, forgiving place.
The test of love is caring for a person even though we know them to be less than perfect and have experienced their daily limitations. We claim that we want to be loved for who we are. But can we really love our partners for who they are? Learning to really love is a gradual process requiring both patience and learning to communicate in a loving and non-blaming manner.
FOR A MAN to enjoy a good relationship with a woman, he must adjust his expectations. Instead of thinking his work is over when he comes home, he must realize that having a relationship is also a part of his work. There will always be obstacles to overcome in sustaining a loving relationship. Too often men assume that once they are married, the work of having a relationship is over.
A great relationship requires a balance of work and play.
A wise man consciously works at the relationship, which helps his partner relax and enjoy more. This makes them both happier. A successful relationship is a balanced mixture of work, play, alone time, and together time.
A man’s major responsibility is to counteract his tendency to be overly focused and strive to be caring, respectful, and committed to understanding his partner’s feelings and needs, while maintaining his masculine sense of self. By gradually learning to hear her feelings, he will become more motivated to support her and will become aware of his own needs in the relationship. As he puts forth a deliberate effort, she is able to relax more.
IT IS HEALTHY and natural that the wave of passion in a relationship should rise and fall. Just as it is normal not to feel in love with your partner at times, it is also normal not to feel sexually attracted to your partner.
Times when you don’t feel sexual attraction are like cloudy days when the sun doesn’t shine.
A cloudy day does not mean the sun is not there. It just means that it is temporarily covered. Cloudy days are the times when temptation knocks on our doors. When attraction is blocked in a relationship, many times we feel attracted elsewhere.
At such times it is best not to worry. Rather than feeling frustration, take matters into your own hands. Satisfying yourself sexually is the basis of a healthy sex life. Becoming too dependent on our partner can eventually stifle sexual attraction. To fuel a great sex life, it is important occasionally to satisfy our needs without depending on our partner.
WHILE WOMEN PROCESS their feelings directly through talking, men need to do something while silently thinking about their feelings. Only after first thinking about his feelings will it benefit a man to talk about his feelings.
Generally speaking, a man feels the need to talk mainly when he thinks it will help convey information to solve a problem. If someone has offended or hurt him, he may feel the urge to talk to convey what was wrong or what should change.
A man greatly misunderstands when a woman who is upset wants to talk about it, because he mistakenly believes that she is saying he is wrong and should change. Why? Because when an emotional man feels the same need, he is blaming and accusing. Men must learn that when a woman shares feelings, no matter how angry and accusing she sounds, she is really asking for empathy.
With this new understanding, a woman can appreciate the wisdom of not persisting in trying to draw a man out when he is angry or doesn’t want to talk. Not only should she not question him, she should take special pains to postpone conversation gracefully, even if he is willing to talk while emotionally upset.
When a man gets angry, a discussion quickly escalates into a painful agument.
It is helpful to assist a woman in expressing angry feelings if a man can listen without getting angry back. Yet it is not helpful to assist a man in getting his anger out. Instead, give him time to cool off. Watch TV or go to a movie. After pulling away, he will then be able to have a more compassionate discussion.
SOMETIMES A WOMAN will see something or even imagine something about a man that triggers a surge of confidence in her. She feels, “This is the man of my dreams; he is the one for me; he is perfect for me.” It is as though she falls under a spell. In this state, she responds to him as if she were already getting everything she could ever want. She is lovingly responsive and receptive to whatever he does. The excitement certainly brings out the best in her and makes her very attractive, but it can also prevent him from continuing to feel a strong attraction for her.
She feels so satisfied by his presence that she begins to think, “He is so wonderful, what can I do to be worthy of him? How can I make sure he likes me? How can I be most attractive to him?” These kinds of thoughts then lead to action. As she proceeds to pursue him, he becomes less interested in her.
A wise woman is careful to not pursue a man more than he is pursuing her.
A wise woman approaches the situation differently. Even if she does fall in love, she is careful to remember that even though it feels as if she is in an exclusive relationship with her ideal partner, she is not. Even if he has the potential to be the man of her dreams, he is not yet. She needs to remember that they are in stage one. He is not even exclusive with her, nor does she really know him, and they definitely are not engaged to be married. It is vitally important for a woman to remember what stage their relationship is in and respond appropriately to that stage. Having a clear awareness of the stages of dating helps us to keep this balanced perspective. Even in an exclusive relationship a woman needs to practice not giving more or she will inevitably get less.
TO LOVE A person doesn’t mean we will always agree with them or even feel good about them. It doesn’t mean we will like all of the things they do or don’t do. Nobody is perfect. Whenever you like a person, there will always be some things you dislike too. And if you really love someone, it inevitably happens that sometimes you not only dislike what they do but you hate it. For most people, “hate” is a dirty word. It’s thought to be taboo to feel hate toward your partner. That’s only allowed during divorce proceedings!
Hate is really just a symptom of obstructed love. When you love someone who does something that is hard for you to love and accept, for some the natural reaction is to hate that behavior. And you want to change the person so that you can love them again.
All suppressed resentment culminates in hate. If you don’t give yourself permission to feel hate sometimes, it gets repressed, and along with it you repress your ability to love fully.
Feeling hate is a sign that your feelings are blocked. Dwelling on feelings of hate is not useful, but being aware of it can point the way to releasing our blocks to loving. Underlying hate are always feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. By looking a little deeper than the surface feeling of hate and exploring the four healing emotions, you can once again feel your feelings of love.
Unresolved anger and resentment gradually turn to hate.
When you can’t share and express your negative feelings, they build up and get blown out of proportion. Or you may work very hard at repressing them and think they are forgotten. They may be forgotten, but they still have an effect—you are cursed to overreact emotionally in your relationships or push others away with hate.
WHEN A WOMAN shows feelings, a man tends to minimize them. He thinks he is helping her to feel better. Men often say things to each other like “Don’t worry about it” or “It’s not such a big deal.” Though this may work on Mars, it doesn’t work on Venus.
Most men don’t instinctively realize that by just listening to a woman’s upset feelings, they will automatically become more positive, accepting, and trusting.
A wise woman realizes that a man will make her feelings much more important if she doesn’t demand it. Instead of minimizing her feelings, he will relax and listen. Preparing a man by saying “It’s not really a big deal. I just want you to consider how I feel” will enable him to listen much more attentively than before.
At other times, when a woman wants to initiate conversation, a good technique to use to prepare the man to listen is to say, “I have a lot of feelings coming up, and I would like to talk about them. I just want you to know in advance that it sounds worse than it is. I just need to talk for a while and feel that you care. You don’t have to say anything or do anything differently.” This kind of approach will help him to listen with empathy rather than try to figure out what to do.
MANY TIMES WHEN we want to leave a person, we start gathering evidence to justify saying good-bye. We start keeping a mental list of all our partner’s “crimes,” and then one day we spring it on them: “Here is the evidence. You are bad. I have been abused, and so I have a reason to leave.”
Before ending a relationship, it is important to resolve the buildup of negative emotions toward your partner and to feel the love and gratitude again. When the love in a relationship gets repressed due to a continued lack of communication, you are bound to feel less love for your partner. Just as you cannot tell if you are right for each other without love, so you cannot tell if you are wrong for each other without feeling the love and seeing the reasons why you got together in the first place.
You do not have to stop loving your partner to leave them. If you are honest with yourself and have resolved your resentments toward your partner, you will always feel love toward them. Breaking up with love helps prepare us to find love once again.
Just as an open heart reveals the right person, it also reveals the wrong person for us.
Some relationships are right for us to learn certain lessons or to grow in a particular way. These relationships prepare us to find the right person to share our life with. In a growth relationship, our partner is right to help us take a step of growth, and then we are ready to move on. This insight helps us to move on without having to build up a case against our partner. Loving someone doesn’t mean we must spend the rest of our lives with them.
COUPLES TODAY ARE having much less sex than the media suggest. Yes, a lot of hungry men and women are out there wanting sex, but once they are married a few years, other things become more important, and sex is overlooked.
The primary reason for this loss of interest is that men feel rejected and women don’t feel romanced and understood in the relationship. A woman does not instinctively realize how sensitive a man is when she isn’t in the mood for sex. A man does not instinctively realize how much a woman needs romance and good communication to open up and feel in the mood.
For men not to feel rejected, couples need to create free, positive, and easy communication about sex, particularly about initiating sex. When a man repeatedly gets the message that his partner loves sex with him, his sexual desires can remain healthy and strong.
When a woman feels that a man is skilled in sex, and he supports her in the relationship, her sexual desire can remain fresh. Good communication and loving support in the relationship are most important for a woman. For a man, a good relationship is certainly important, but many times what makes the big difference is his sexual success with her.
When sex diminishes, most couples don’t realize there is a problem.
When couples stop having sex several times a week, rather than assuming they are just not interested anymore, they need to recognize that they are blocked. An important part of a healthy relationship is regular sex, two or three times a week. Less sex means that you could benefit greatly from sex therapy, sexy movies, and reading sex manuals together.
“Use it or lose it” most aptly describes a lasting sex life.
If you want a healthy body over the age of forty, you need to exercise. Likewise, if you want to keep the fires of passion, you have to keep having frequent sex. Women don’t realize how important sex is to men. If they don’t get it, men gradually lose interest and sexual vitality. Fortunately, with therapy it can be awakened once again.
AS WE CONTINUE to open up and have our emotional needs met in a relationship, our unresolved past feelings ultimately begin to surface. When they rise up, they don’t say, “Hi, I’m your anger with your dad”; instead they are directed at our partners.
It is ironic that when we feel most loved, the unresolved feelings from past experiences of not being loved begin to affect our moods. One minute we are feeling passion, the next we are considering divorce. We always justify such radical shifts by our partner’s behavior, although it really isn’t primarily about them.
Blaming your partner is looking in the wrong direction and aggravates the wound.
When past feelings begin to surface, they generally make us feel uncharacteristically negative. We may feel a lot of blame, criticism, doubt, resentment, confusion, ambivalence, judgment, and rejection. For a moment, we regress to feeling and reacting the way we did as children, when we didn’t feel safe to react freely. When such feelings surface, it is vital for us to work on taking responsibility for being more loving and forgiving.
We should not expect our partners to be our loving parents. That, as we know, is a surefire passion killer. At those times, we need to parent ourselves, or work with a surrogate parent therapist in counseling. It is up to us, not our partners, to reparent ourselves.
When we start blaming our partners for our unhappiness, it is a clear signal that our own “old stuff” is coming up. Although we feel especially entitled to demand more from our mates, we should demand nothing. It is a time for self-healing. It is a time for us to give ourselves the comfort and understanding our parents may have failed to give us.
Remember, to expect our partners to make us feel better is to put them in the role of parents. The more dependent we become on them to change before we can change, the more stuck we will be. By parenting ourselves, we are free to release them from being the targets of our blame.
CHANGING FOR THE better is sometimes hard work, but at each progressive step it will also become easier, more rewarding, and more fun. Once learned, these skills will enrich all aspects of your life and relationships.
The most important relationship skill of all is anticipating temporary setbacks and acknowledging the necessity of relearning a lesson until it becomes second nature. This understanding gives us the hope to be patient and the forgiveness to be loving.
Although learning new skills may seem overwhelming at times, the process is also very exciting. As you begin to practice new relationship skills, the immediate and tangible results will give you continued cause for hope, encouragement, and support.
With your very first step on this journey, your relationships can dramatically and immediately improve, and with more practice, they will keep on getting better.
By learning these essential skills, you can achieve lasting passion, intimacy, and happiness. Passion does not have to dissipate. The happiness shared during the courting process does not have to fade. Intimacy can deepen into a source of increasing fulfillment.
IT’S EASY TOthree