103 ways to find out
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Version 1.0
Epub ISBN 9781409034063
www.randomhouse.co.uk
First published in Great Britain in 2005
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Text © Tim Collins, 2005
Photographs © Tim Collins, 2005
Tim Collins has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this work under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the copyright owners.
First published by
Ebury Press
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Cover Design by Perfect Bound Ltd
Text design and typesetting by Perfect Bound Ltd
ISBN 0091906121
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Printed and bound in Great Britain by Mackays of Chatham PLC
You always read the imprint pages of books 
1 point
Cover Page
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
FAQs
Lifestyle
Style
Social Life
Entertainment
Hobbies
Sex
Intelligence
Knowledge
Childhood
Opinions
Communication Skills
The Certificates
FYI
Thanks to Collette, Mike Hughes, Jim Derwent, Joe Cornish,
Jake Lingwood, Claire Kingston and everyone at Ebury.
It’s difficult to say exactly when it happened.
Maybe it was when everyone started getting web access at home. Maybe it was when The Lord of the Rings went to number one at the box office. Maybe it was when iPods became a fashion accessory.
I don’t know exactly when, but at some point over the past few years, we all became a bit geekier.
It became alright for people in their twenties and thirties to buy console games. It became alright for adults to read children’s books on trains. It became alright to email rather than phone.
But how do we know when we’ve gone too far with all of this?
How do we know when we’ve crossed the line from casual dabbler to genuine geek?
This book can help you find out.
Just tick the boxes that apply to you as you read this book, add up your score, and fill out the appropriate certificate. Then cut it out and show it to your friends. If you have any.
If this book makes you realise that you’re geekier than you thought, please don’t try to hide it. Don’t become one of those contact lens wearers who hide their consoles in drawers and sneak off to the toilet for covert Tolkien breaks. You’ll be much happier if you accept your true nature and come out of the geek closet right away.
Tim Collins
London, 2005
I’m already pretty sure that I’m a geek.
Is it still worth taking this test?
Yes. In fact, if you think you’ve achieved an especially high score, email me at areyouageek@hotmail.co.uk and I’ll tell you where you rank on the nationwide scoreboard. But cheats beware – I might come round to your house to check that you’ve answered each section honestly. Except the ‘Sex’ section.
I’m a girl. Can I take the test?
Yes. I’m well aware that, contrary to popular myth, many geeks these days are female. So, to make things fair, I’ve included a female version of the ‘Sex’ section. Although you might have to stick to the male ‘Sex’ section if you’re a lesbian who has feelings about Gillian Anderson and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
I want to take the test but I don’t want to deface my new book.
What should I do?
The best thing to do is buy two copies of the book – one to use and one to keep in mint condition. However, if you’re a proper geek, you probably do this with every book you buy.
What’s TARDIS an acronym for?
The ‘FYI’ section at the back of the book should give you the answers to any such questions that occur while you’re taking the test. ‘FYI’ is an acronym for ‘For Your Information’ in case you didn’t know. And ‘FAQs’ stands for ‘Frequently Asked Questions’ in case you didn’t even know that.
| You live on your own. |  1 point |
| You live with your mum. | 2 points |
| …and you’re over thirty. | 3 points |
| …and she still makes your meals, wakes you up in the morning and checks your appearance before you leave the house. | 5 points |
| You can’t eat without watching TV at the same time. | 1 point |
| You can’t go to the toilet without taking something to read with you. | 1 point |
| You’ve got out of bed in the middle of the night because you couldn’t resist checking your email. | 2 points |
| While emptying your bin, you’ve spotted litter that dated back more than 30 days. | 1 point |
Bonus Points
You have the following posters on your wall:
| Data from Star Trek | 1 point |
| Buffy | 1 point |
| An Escher artwork | 1 point |
| A map of the world | 1 point |
| A magic eye picture | 1 point |
Bonus Points
Your personal smell can best be described as:
| Lynx | 1 point |
| Tesco’s own brand deodorant | 2 points |
| Savlon | 3 points |
| TCP | 4 points |
| A mixture of stale washing, second-hand books and piss | 5 points |
| If your computer goes wrong, you fix it straight away, but if your washing machine breaks, you leave it for a while. | 2 points |
| The last time you changed your sheets was over a month ago. | 3 points |
| You’ve put aside an afternoon specifically to rearrange your CD collection. | 3 points |
| You’ve put an aside an evening specifically to watch the special features of a DVD. | 3 points |
| You had a pizza delivered last night. | 1 point |
| …and ate the cold remains of it for lunch today. | 3 points |
| You’ve completed a take-away loyalty card in the last couple of weeks. | 3 points |
| You often drink so much coffee or cola that you can’t sleep at night. | 2 points |
| When you can’t sleep, you find yourself jotting down ideas for brilliant new inventions that make no sense in the morning. | 3 points |
| You spend more on eBay than at your local supermarket. | 3 points |
| Look at the ‘call list’ menu on your mobile and write down the last ten numbers you called. |
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
7 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
9 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
| Award yourself one point for every food delivery number you called. |  points |
| Award yourself two points for every sex line you called. | points |
| Award yourself five bonus points if you haven’t called ten numbers yet. | 5 points |
| You’ve drunk a soft drink straight from a 1.5 litre bottle to avoid washing a glass. | 3 points |
| At the weekend, you always log in to your email before brushing your teeth. | 1 point |
Bonus Points
You’ve actually done the following slapstick jokes in real life:
| Walking into a lamppost because you were distracted by something | 1 point |
| Slipping on a banana skin | 2 points |
| Looking at your watch while holding a drink, and spilling it down yourself | 3 points |
| Turning around suddenly while carrying a ladder, and hitting someone with it | 4 points |
| Falling down an open manhole | 5 points |
| You’ve watched an entire episode of Watercolour Challenge because you couldn’t be bothered to reach for the remote control. | 1 point |
| You’ve had an argument with a flatmate about whose turn it was to wash up. | 1 point |
| You’ve had an argument with a flatmate about whose turn it was to phone for pizza. | 3 points |
| You have a child. | —1 point |
| …but you spend more on toys and computer games than they do. | 2 points |
| …and you’ve forced them to watch Spirited Away instead of the latest Disney animation. | 3 points |
| You can drive. | —1 point |
| …but you call your car ‘The Enterprise’. | 3 points |
| …and you say ‘engage’ when turning the ignition key. | 5 points |
| …and you’ve given someone a detailed description of the engine. | 5 points |
Bonus Points
You’ve arranged your CDs in the following order:
| Alphabetical | 1 point |
| Chronological (the order they were made) | 2 points |
| Autobiographical (the order you bought them in) | 3 points |
| In order of the colour of their spines, to create a spectrum effect | 4 points |
| In order of record label | 5 points |
| You’ve used a computer today. | 1 point |
| …and it’s the weekend. | 3 points |
| If your mouse breaks, you feel like you’ve had a limb amputated. | 2 points |
| When your computer asks ‘Are you sure you want to shut down?’ you actually think about it, and feel a bit guilty. | 2 points |
| You’ve clicked on the option that tells you how long you’ve been playing a certain computer game for, and it was more than a week. | 4 points |
| Before eating a tube of Smarties, you pour them out onto the table in front of you and arrange them according to colour. | 3 points |
| You actually quite enjoy the sensation of being addicted to a game and unable to put the joypad down. | 3 points |
| You often think of ways to complete day-to-day tasks slightly quicker, like adding milk to coffee while you’re waiting for the water to boil, or flushing the toilet while you’re still urinating. | 1 point |
| You’ve considered moving to a larger property for the sake of a collection. | 2 points |
| You feel strange if you go for longer than an hour without checking news headlines online, on your phone, or on TV. | 1 point |
| When doing your monthly budget, you put aside less than £5 for clothes and toiletries, and over £100 for entertainment and technology. | 3 points |
| You actually do a monthly budget. | 5 points |
| You’ve bought a Happy Meal or box of cereal because it had a promotional gift licensed from a sci-fi blockbuster. | 1 point |
| You’ve bought something purely for its ironic value. | 1 point |
| …which cost more than £30. | 3 points |
| You’ve listed your religion as ‘Jedi’ when filling in a form. | 1 point |
| You’ve eaten some Kendal Mint Cake. | 1 point |
Bonus Points
The bag you carry with you all the time is…
| …an unbranded rucksack worn by both straps | 1 point |
| …the same Head bag you’ve had since school and have never washed | 3 points |
| …a plastic bag from a comic shop on which the handles are about to break | 5 points |
| You’ve changed an eating plan after being unable to open a screw-topped jar. | 1 point |
| You’ve decided to stay in after being unable to find one of your shoes. | 1 point |
| You celebrate Halloween more than your own birthday. | 3 points |
| You’ve taken a lift to travel one floor, which took longer than walking would have done. | 1 point |
| You’ve gone into Rymans, Halfords or a key-cutting shop just to browse. | 3 points |
| You’ve been to a midnight opening of a shop when a book, DVD or game was released. | 1 point |
| You’ve set up your computer so that you can watch TV at the same time as playing games. | 1 point |
| There are more TVs than rooms in your house. | 1 point |
| …and you keep all of them on all the time. | 3 points |
| When watching TV, you close the curtains, turn the lights off, and sit about three inches away from the screen. | 3 points |
| You feel powerless when someone else in the room is holding the remote control. | 1 point |
| In winter, you often get that horrible feeling when it goes dark outside and you realise you haven’t left the house yet. | 1 point |
Bonus Points
You’ve tripped over the following things:
| A high kerb | 1 point |
| A loose paving stone | 3 points |
| Your own feet | 5 points |