Copyright 2021, Joan Hamilton
The author gratefully acknowledges the support of the Queen Elizabeth II Health Sciences Centre, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. Thanks to Gwen North for the design and layout of the previous editions.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or used or stored in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying - or by any information storage or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any requests for photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems shall be directed in writing to the publisher or to Access Copyright, The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (www.AccessCopyright.ca). This also applies to classroom use.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Title: When a parent is sick : helping parents explain serious illness to children / Joan Hamilton.
Names: Hamilton, Joan, 1958 - author.
Description: Third edition. | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20210117370 | Canadiana (ebook) 20210117621 | ISBN 9781989725481 (softcover) | ISBN 9781989725498 (EPUB)
Subjects: LCSH: Parent and child. | LCSH: Critically ill—Family relationships. | LCSH: Parents—Death—Psychological aspects. | LCSH: Children and death.
Classification: LCC R726.5. H36 2021 | DDC 362.1—dc23
Cover design: Gail LeBlanc
Pottersfield Press acknowledges the financial support for our publishing activities from the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF) and the Canada Council for the Arts, and from the Province of Nova Scotia. We are pleased to work in partnership with the Province of Nova Scotia to develop and promote our creative industries for the benefit of all Nova Scotians.
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Printed in Canada
Contents
Introduction
Quick overview
What should you do?
What should you talk about?
The disease
The plans over the next while (what is going to happen)
Information from other sources
Ongoing communication
Addressing the future
Examples of ways to address the future (depending on your situation)
How should you respond?
Keys points to consider
1. Things to consider as you talk to your children
2. Examples of what to say
Explaining . . .
... Serious illness
... Disease and treatment
… Disease — Cancer
Cancer treatment
Chemotherapy
Surgery
Radiotherapy
... Treatment — General
... Why a parent is sick
... What may happen in the future
... Change in appearance and activity
... Having some normal times
... Telling their friends
... Visiting the sick parent
... Feelings
... Feeling sad
... Being worried
... Feeling angry
... Feeling guilty
3. A child’s understanding of and response to a parent’s serious illness
Children under 2½ years
Toddlers (about 2½-5 years)
Young school age (about 5-8 years)
Older school age (about 8-12 years)
Adolescents
4. Keeping a bit of “normal” in your child’s day
Visiting in hospital
5. Children’s reactions to a seriously ill parent
When a child’s behaviour doesn’t change
How to respond
Things to avoid
Things to encourage
When a child reacts with anger
How to respond
Things to avoid
Things to encourage
When a child feels guilty
How to respond
When a child seems afraid
How to respond
Examples of other reactions a child may feel or show
6. Supporting your child
Give your child choices
Encourage expression of feelings, fears and concerns
Crying
Anger
Encourage normal activity
Hugs and affection
7. If you have concerns about your child
8. Selected books explaining and dealing with serious illness
Books for children
Toddlers (about 2½-5 years)
Young school age (about 5-8 years)
Older school age (about 8-12 years)
Adolescents
Books for parents
9. When a parent is dying
Examples of explaining probable death
When the parent is unconscious
10. When a parent dies
Saying goodbye and funerals
Grieving
Examples of explaining death
11. How children understand and cope with death
Toddlers (about 2½-5 years)
Young school age (about 5-8 years)
Older school age (about 8-12 years)
Adolescents
12. Selected books explaining and dealing with death
Books for children
Toddlers (about 2½-5 years)
Young school age (about 5-8 years)
Older school age (about 8-12 years)
Adolescents
Books for parents
Key points to consider
Introduction
This book provides parents, grandparents, other family members, babysitters, and friends with some ideas and examples of how to talk to and respond to children throughout a parent’s serious illness. Some of the ideas and examples have come from experts who have written books (see the selected titles in chapters 8 and 12). Other explanations and suggestions are my interpretations of what I have learned from these experts and as a registered nurse caring for cancer patients and their families. The examples in this book describe a parent who has cancer but certainly the principles or ideas apply to any type of serious illness. A mother is used in the examples to describe the parent who is sick.
At a time when so much is happening in a family’s life, you may not have the time, energy and concentration to find the words to explain a diagnosis of a serious illness to your children. If you don’t have the time now to read this entire book, the Quick Overview (pages 8-16) will give you the main points to consider as you talk to your children.
How children respond or react to what is happening in their lives varies a great deal. If a parent has concerns or feels that a child is having problems, that a child is struggling with things in a way that just doesn’t seem right — seek out help. If there is a children’s hospital in your area, see if it has a Child and Adolescent Mental Health program. Professionals there should be able to direct you to someone. Others who may be able to assist you include someone like a school counsellor, a family doctor, a health care professional (e.g. social worker, psychologist, nurse) who is caring for the sick parent, or someone from the Cancer Society or similar organizations.
The information in this book can help families faced with serious illness in two important ways — for some it will confirm or validate that they are on the right track with how they are handling things with their children, and for others it will help guide them through unknown territory.
Joan Hamilton